In the edge of year 2010

Two days before new year's eve, two men with whom I had romance with re-emerged, as if welcoming the new year isn't challenging enough.

But that's really what happens with life. It could give you the best and worst memories of all time.

The year 2010, to me was a mediocre year... It wasn't as mental as 2007, serious as 2008 or even free as 2009.

Flashback to the last new year's eve...

I was preoccupied with what dress I was going to wear for the new years party, how many suitcases I could fit my six years life in, last travels that I should make, future career and the romance that I was involved in.

Lots of things I needed to sort out. They were just so many that I could barely sense the emotion that ran through.

It would have been upsetting since I would leave the country where I had spent my last six years. It would have been saddening since I would leave the very friends that had become part of my life.

It would have been everything else but being thrilled for the plans that him and I made.

"You'll meet my brother and we'll go to the sushi place in Brooklyn. The one that I really like."

Those plans didn't occur. Instead, I was strolling New York City with my very very bestfriend and listening to 'Speechless' by Lady Gaga.

"I can't believe what you said to me last night when were alone, You threw your arms up and baby you gave up..."

My heart was broken.

"I can't believe you let him ruined our plans. It should've been about us."

I looked into my bestfriend's eyes and listened to his words. He made his dissapointment obvious to me. Those last days were supposed to be between him and I cherishing our friendship.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Attempted to smile but I knew that he was aware that my mind was somewhere else.

Somewhere... hoping that my romance would soon realize that he broke his promise and that I waited to meet his little brother.

"Let's go to Little Italy and have your favorite, Fettucini"

My bestfriend took my hand and I knew that I was foolish for trading our six years friendship for some romance that started only a month ago.

But hey, being a fool whose heart been broken hadn't hindered me from continuing whatever I had with the very man who broke my heart that new year's eve. Amazingly enough, we had our affair continued for 11 months after I left the country.

Romance could end. Men could leave. But your bestfriends... they're here to stay.

And that's my bestfriend, Aure, who is still my very bestfriend even after I dissapointed him so many times.

Him and my other bestfriends spread around the world had colored my colorless year.

Now...hours before the new year, 2011, comes...

Here I am sitting at some hairdresser's salon, thinking back of how my life is this year.

"Plenty of challenges but I'm blessed"

That'd be this year's description.

So with less worries in mind, well aside from i-hope-this-hairdresser-wont-screw-up-his-cut, I could only pray and hope that in new year's eve next year... I could say:

"God, You're Grand and this is the best year I've ever had so far and looking forward for more blesses from You, My Almighty."



Yours truly.

Dear you, the unknown number

"Unknown number" I read. As if every unknown matters in my life doesn't suffice. But hey, that's life where predictable isn't quite the description.

I wouldn't mind, really. I like when people paying attention and decide to phone me. It's always a thrill when your phone rings, you see on your phone screen who's calling and you get to decide if you're going to pick it up or not.

And for most of the time, unless you're some kind of people I blacklist due to misdemeanor or trying to sell me stuffs, I would usually pick up your call.

Hey, I even picked up a phone call from my very own version of Mr. Big, whom I blacklisted. Yes, I'm a huge fan of Sex and The City... Thus, I code a former love who had strung me for years...a 'special' name like that John guy who has strung Carrie for 6 years in Sex and The City.

As I mentioned, he's actually in my blacklist... So picking up his call wasn't intentionally. I deleted his number... But of course, when the phone rang.. my curiosity to pick up a call from an unfamiliar number defeated my memory...

But then again, you can only enlist so many phone numbers in your brain.


Anyway, yes... I usually pick up calls. And certainly calls from 'unknown number' become my favorite ones since it bring such vast chances of guessing who, among my dearest mates residing abroad, would phone me.

Alright... dearest mates might be understated... I should also say romance interest... A romance interest who might care enough to phone me all the way here...

If this occured two months ago... I would have identified the caller easily as I was involved in a long distance affair... However with this cold winter and cold heart... I would have to guess who the unknown number is.

This could be a fun game and we could name it, "Guessing the unknown"

But seriously at this very moment with no one crosses my mind... I could only hope that the unknown number would call me again.

So to you, the unknown number, please do call again. I promise I won't be throwing out garbage when you call so I can actually hear my phone rings and pick up your call.


Yours truly.

Once upon a time in the la la land...

We were happy once. You know, like a normal couple who were infatuated. Emails were our messenger and that special sound from my blackberry became something that thrilled me... I'd be fully in alert, it was another email from him. It was real, what we had.

But like other stories that I am familiar with, the curtain was soon closing... Time and place had witnessed us growing apart. The story was no longer appealing as it only offered tears and heartache.

Then I moved on... like an actress who's desperately looking for the next act. And, I just knew where I wanted to go... it was to him, my very favorite one.

I always always seek for him everytime life is unkind. With him, I find myself. As insane as it sounds, he's a true reflection of me... I see myself in him and he sees himself in me.

And, somehow...life wasn't so bad anymore...

But that's not how life works and you can't always hide from it. He would soon leave and find someone else... who's real for him and not some kind of 'reflection' that only stays temporarily.

He needs love and I can give him that. I am more than capable of that... But all I need for him to do is just have more faith in me and us.

He did not. He preferred to move on. Without me. Without us.

And then, like the sun rays warms the winter... life decided to introduce me to someone new...

It is easy, simple but yet complicated with him... Laughing becomes so easy. He does bring me back from my dull scenes.

But again... the maze of the story is just so bewildering that I am frightened... it will just drag me back to that familiar place where tears, dissapointment and heartache will embrace and befriend me.

Twirled Story

It is how it is... something is just irreversible. You exchanged gaze, number and the world was suddenly about you and him... But time has the power...and it does show if it is or isn't meant to be.

It took me awhile to finally able to write about this... I'm still agitated with his promise of the future or even with his way of affecting my life.

...and I'm still readjusting my heart to be once again in sync with my head.

It is visible although I have to rely on loads of works to preoccupy both heart and mind. That's the only time when I find them in line with each other.

Frankly, I have been back in the maze, which I couldn't comprehend myself.

It's like you are there but your heart and mind are nowhere to be found...

Take it one step at a time... I don't have the capacity to rush as long as mind and heart refuse to cooperate.

I'm trying to focus... But his face and our time together still pop up uninvited. Hence, letting mind and heart wander are sound ideas.

The wind is blowing fairly hard now... My eyes are struggling to tear...and I find a little ache in my heart.

I'm not interested in anything... not even a laugh...

I feel slightly dead inside.

But I suppose, anything...even slightly a dead soul...I would endure to at least help me going through this 'cuore infranto'...

barin who breaks my heart

He said, "come...take my hand." I refused to listen, my hands were still. "Come...I'll be gentle. You will be fine with me" he offered his hands. I looked at his eyes... Those grey eyes somehow were telling me that everything's going to be fine.

I could feel his fingers through mine and from that moment on, I knew that he would be my prince.

He saved me from the darkness that I had become. He had made me believe that a happy ending tale might exist. He had me smile everytime I was down. He gave me breeze everytime I lost hope. He had me thinking that he was everything that I had ever seeked for. He made me believe that him and I wasn't just a dream. It was almost real.

Almost.

My Barin breaks my heart. He makes me shade tears over all those pieces that once were sown by him,...

My Prince, my gentleman who once saved me, sucks the last air from me...

He took my ability to believe.

He took my dream away.

He took away my armor for I can no longer defend myself from amorphous and hatred.

The dream fairy had reminded me... "Somehow, someday... it will happen. The darkness is inevitable and Barin is no longer a gentleman."

For once, I refuted her... "No. You missunderstood him. He never promises me anything. But he's a barin...he's a gentleman for he will never break this heart..and look at his eyes, he doesn't fool me. He's the truth. He saved me and will always be my saviour."

But as we're welcoming another winter... One could only realize that it is coming...the familiar coldness and darkness.

Oh, it aches.

The pain just makes you hope that you could just skip every seasons by closing your eyes.

You just pray that this will be the last time you're sitting here and crying...

And there's just sometimes...when,you just wish that he was never there, picking you up and offering you his hands.

Infamous Wedding Fantasy

Wedding, marriage, engagement and even children suddenly sound more familiar than ever...

It's like everyone's doing it.. Starting from my very bestfriend who decided to marry her 4 years-boyfriend, friends from high school who suddenly race to marry each other, mates from the university to even a colleague of mine at the office...as if wedding is the new facebook...everyone, anyone is gotta sign up.

It still surprises me everytime I find that some people at my age thinks that wedding is a 'possible'verb...

They say that you wouldn't know how it feels, until you try it...well, that's what I did...although with every limitation that I have, the furthest thing I could do was imagining myself to fall deeply in love with someone and then getting all excited to walk down the aisle...

For some cases, it works...

But it was not as simple as I thought it would be...imagining to be wed was rather challenging.

In my fantasy, I saw these several dresses from traditional Javanese wedding dress 'dodot' to white gown with little fur on the hair...but somehow, I couldn't see my face on the bride's face... Heck, I even saw that the bride has blonde hair...so I suppose that's not me...

How odd! I imagined someone's else wedding when I was supposed to fantasizing about mine.

Let's try to think about the groom... Some familiar faces appear but everytime I put each face on the-already-imagined-tuxedo, none was matched!

Okey, I am truly aware that wedding isn't JUST about the party... so I started to imagine on the life after the party... I was going home to this house...

In my fantasy, I could see a nice sofa there...but I couldn't find my imaginary 'husband' anywhere...

Perhaps, in my imagination, he was out of town...or even out of the country, helping kids in Uganda...

Okey...it wasn't working...and frankly I am still uneasy with any verb that requires long term and settle.

I am still trying to decide of how I should feel towards my married-mates... Should I be mad that they give up their potential for some fairy tales? Should I be dissapointed because we don't follow the same rules anymore? or Should I be all happy knowing that they finally figure out the-ONE-puzzle?

As a good friend, of course you'd opt for the third option.

Perhaps the question you have now is: do you believe in marriage?

Well, the answer is yes I do. I believe that marriage is the destination for two people who fall in love.

I guess what I am dealing now is... I don't see it yet. I have yet found that one person who will just sweep me off my feet and make me madly in love with him...

Thus, I have yet seen marriage/ wedding/engagement/children as my destination.

But...perhaps someday, I will.

And when that moment comes, I want you to be the witness...

To you, the kind people

I was trying to digest every scenes, emotions, motions and everything. Honestly, I emotionally came unprepared. Every minutes on the way there, my mind was struggling to get my soul back... It has been travelling a lot lately.

"We cook the foods every forth weeks." explained the lady who was helping with the kitchen.

My emotion suddenly dragged me back to Washington DC...on the exact moment when I was applying to volunteer feeding the homeless...

The scene of me talking to the kitchen supervisor while surrounded by white bearded men, surfaced.

"You might get night shift from 9 to midnite" said the supervisor to me. I contemplated and promised to let her know my decision.

But the imagery of me walking alone every night among the homeless people frightened me. I bailed out...instead, I decided to sleep comfortably in my apartment watching some stupid shows.

"I've been doing this for four years." said a young woman with same age as me. I felt like a thunder just stroke me.

"Four years?" I disbelieved. This young woman who came from Padang would spend her every forth week to take a busway, walk in a dodgy alley, feed the homeless and even befriend with them.

She put me into a shame cave. I could barely see her eyes when she talked enthusiastically about her friends, the homeless people.

20 minutes of walking and our small group arrived at this site where at least 10 homeless were sleeping at. The sound of construction works was banging somberly in the background.

Mix emotions were just rushing in when I saw some of them willingly awaken from their sleeps only for food...

But deeply I know my head was trying to block any kind of emotions... Everything has to be logical and has solutions...

It worked. Instead of pity, I was enraged to the government who has done nothing but jailing the homeless and was mad at the old homeless man when he told me that he refuses to return home because he likes to wander around and even more, I started to despise anyone that's doing a charity...only for a show.

It was obvious, to me, rage was the closest emotion to get to the logic and sober mind...

"Do you want to join us teaching the kids every Sunday?" the question brought me back to reality. One of the group member asked. I looked at his eyes and it just broke my heart. His smile was sincere.

"I am interested in it and definitely will think about it" I replied and I meant it.

He smiled, again.

"I am 24 years old but I have never thought that I would be a taxi driver." The scene of a taxi driver who told me his life story the night before, rushed in..

"But that's life..." he continued with smile and no dissapointment tone.

He too was kind, or close to naïve.

I learned last night that... the homeless did not break into my stubborn heart..but those people who are sincerely kind in not only helping the less fortunate but also looking at the world in a forgiving way did.

You and I owe it to them...because of them, we are still fortunate too see that kind and sincere people do exist...

...And they certainly make the world a better place, even for the bitter one.

It was there, four years ago

I paced back and forth, looking at my watch. Time's ticking happily. Ping! A sms was coming in. "Care to night outing?" read the sms. I had been going out almost every night. Bar hopping was a familiar word. I put my mobile phone down on the table. Mariah Carey's My All playing in the background. My tears were warm on my cheeks.

"Should I postpone my flight?" or even better,

"I might just go to uni tomorrow and ask if I could extend my stay for another semester"

But another thought rushed in,

"Okey, be logic here! Just go home and if its meant to be, it is meant to be"

The latter I decided to do. I departed from Melbourne on November 12, 2006.

It was a wise decision, I suppose. Although the question of, what would've or could've happened if I stayed longer? sometimes still occurs in my mind.

He and I still converse, though not often. But it's amazing that we're still in touch, despite the fact that we have yet seen or known when we'd see each other again.

He's important to me and my life. He was my deal breaker. I owe him for making me feel that I was attractive enough and that I was worth it. Because of him, I knew how it felt to be treated like a Lady. He's a gentleman.

He was my 'turnover and life changing experience'.

He was my rainbow that shining through my doubt.

He was my breeze of hopes when I thought I was nothing.

He, a humble and true hero of my personal life, is Justin.

Days before I departed from Australia were uneasy. We only met a month prior... but it took him a week before finally asking me out.

He's a rare individual... a little odd compared to guys at his age. He'd limit his interaction with people because he's worried if he thinks too much. Strange, but I understood him.

"On the brighter side, you wont get too frustrated with me for too long" he once wrote to me.

He was fully aware that I'd leave soon. We both were just trying to make the most of everything.

A friend of mine took a photo of us candidly and the words that photo speaks thousands words just applies. We both were infatuated.

It is how it is now... I am here and he's an ocean apart. We both are working for our future.

I wish for time to cross our path sometimes in the future.... 'till then, I'd like to wish him a very merry life.... because I care about him and because he, more than anything else, deserves it.

"A smile and good life for you Justin!"


P.s:

Oh, have I mentioned that we both have the same birthday?

Day 1: starting on romance rehab

The story would have been full of joy... I would have repeated the story in a big full smile painted in my face... The sparkles on my eyes should have spoken every beats in my heart.

But that is not the case. Instead, you may find me pacing back and forth, listening to all mourning lullaby and even more pondering about this... A particular tale of him and I.

Our virtual reconnection went good. Terribly went smooth and well in fact. After months and months we've written to each other and befriended with social media, we finally had the courage to 'see' each other again. It was unexpectedly like how it used to be...

Him being himself and me being myself.. Time and distance have only made us understanding each other even more...

It almost felt like, I have never left.

Stories, laughs were shared... For a moment, I felt that perhaps, him and I was a foreseeable tale.

With a rather challenging track record of relationship, a slight victorious feeling almost sneaked in when I realized that months and months apart...we are still in touch and involved in what we call, long distance lovers.

But of course, distance is distance...and time is time...

I'm here and he's there.

Based in this rather painful and challenging fact that I decided to refuse being merry for our continuous relationship and that perhaps, I should take a break from romance.

For at least 14 days.

Yes, just name them... I'm insane, paranoid, worried-much, etc, etc... Well, ladies and gents, those accusations pretty much suit me.

Should I be honest, I'm frightened of the possibility of another broken heart.

Hence, the romance rehab that I decided to enter starting from today.

Inspired by "Love Cleanse" promoted by this twitter user "TheDailyLove", I decided to stop: obssessing about romance, flirting, talking about any guy that I have crush on, (hate to admit) stalking anyone's social media, etc, etc...

Instead what I should be doing is: focusing on my fabolous self!

Bravo! Should've figured that out awhile ago! Haha

So, that's what I'm doing now...

Day 1 is definitely a challenge as there has been urge to mention my crush's name in every freaking conversations I have...

But, someone has to start from somewhere... That somewhere includes replacing songs that have been in my playlist for months with new songs, deleting photos in blackberry and even brushing up on my Italian (I need to keep my mind preoccupied with other things)

I'll reinvent about things to think or do tomorrow.. This kinda time requires lots of creativity!

Ah, can't wait for the next 13 days!

Seems like I'll be blogging a lot.. Please do bear with me.


*Bismillah

Nothing but the truth...

The view is captivating... the city lights, blue and gold are beautifully aligned with the crescent moon and this one bright star. The rush of cars contrasting to the the quiet wind blows seem to be amicable towards each other. Tonight is just beautiful.

I want to capture this view, forever. I want to show it to you and say, "Sayangku, you know... the distant city lights and the high crescent moon remind me of you."

But like any other beautiful things in life you can never keep, I am certainly aware that even the best camera would never be able to capture this scene and this exact feeling. I just wish that my brain has enough capacity to capture this view and lock it somewhere and never to dissapear.

It has been awhile, I might say, that I allow my mind wanders. I have drowned myself into the excitement of clock tickings and rush of the needs to keep walking...

I thought and thought... I talked and talked... I walked and walked...emotionlessly.

Until you came around again and thats when I was shaken by the possibility that I might have buried my mind from thinking of you.

The wind is blowing harder when I am writing, I suppose it seems to agree.

We were never through, I must acknowledge. I was unfair to you and to us. I was too frightened with the possibility of picking up pieces of my heart.

I know that you'd laugh at my fear and say, "Silly, who said that I have forgotten you?!"

Even when I am writing this, little part of me is dissaproving. "What are you doing this for? You're so weak!"

Apparently I am and I loath this state that I am in now.

I honestly want to be one of those free souls who can just love and hurt and love again with no fear.

But I am far from that. I plan to leave before I can let myself falling someone. I plant all those sad and tragic ending stories in my head before I can let someone in.

I am damned scared to be true to myself.

And this little soul of mine is whispering, "That's it... You're good. You can stop now."

Thats what I will do, to stop and somehow hoping for that someday you'll stumble on this blog and realize that whatever the masks that I've put on, I put because I fear of losing you.

A letter to you

Dear you a lover of mine,

I still feel the rush but for my emotion sake, I close my eyes and remind myself of any other image where it is safe from you, all fond memories and plans that we build.

People ought to follow their paths, I believe. And once upon a time, the universe crossed your path with mine.

Everything was easy, unlike any other things I knew.

Everything was possible, unlike any other things I believed in.

My bitterness met your I-wont-let-you-down attitude.

My heartache swept away by your maybe-I-really-do-like-you demeanor.

For sometimes I thought this could be whole different story. But just like any other ending I am familiar with, time drags us to different places and crosses our path with someone else.

It is a leap that I decide to take for a very selfish reason, I am too frigthened to patching up my bruised heart and to seeking for amicable words if I ever see you again.

These tears are clouding my eyes. They were held for a while, when I was acting all strong of substracting you from my life. Honestly, I dont have that power.

My breath feels heavy, obviously you had some kind of medicine to make my heart race faster.

I am sunk in this bitter melodies, in hope that I can swim through this sorrow. Sadness shouldnt be dragged too long, I learn.

You said to me, "You can say goodbye now and tomorrow and the next day"

I frequently change my mind and you are aware of that. But this time, I just hope that you would forgive me for this one-sided of farewell. I know you would never fond of this.

This is the goodbye that should have come out from my lips months ago. This is the goodbye that should have been part of us for awhile.

Secretly I wish for the tide to turn and the universe would redraw stories of you and I. But it's impossible to let myself be addicted to you for any longer. I pity my heart.

I'd like you to be happy and I'd like myself to be merry to see you happy.

Thank you for the time, laughter and hopes.

I will miss you dearly.


Sincerely yours,

Your lover

Bewildering maze

That is just the thing about love, or I think in this case love is too strong of a word, so I'd just use crush or infatuation. But then again, will crush-type of feeling stay for months? It is obvious that I am indecisive about how I feel... and ofcourse, it is only because one is too afraid to face the reality.

Reality is reality, the state of being real according to Dictionary online. So I suppose it is not about dwelling the past or even trying to plan out the future. It is about what is happening, what you're feeling and what you're thinking NOW. ADESSO.

It's a concept that lately, my brain has tried to re-digest. I so idolized the past and frightened of the future that I sometimes didn't feel my presence in the very moment.

Therefore, hoping to drag myself out from my comfort zone where only the past and future exist, I am writing this piece. I am always better in written words to elaborate what really is occuring in my mind. In fact, I am always fascinated by how words can describe something so usual to sound so beautiful and intriguing. Thats the power of words. And, thats why I choose this medium, hoping to conclude my mind in the most simple but yet beautiful kind of way.

Now, how do you write "lost in my maze of thoughts" in a more beautiful way?! Well, I suppose maze is proper since I really cannot seem to find the way out once I am in. Advices on how to deal with it, like millions of way out are offered..

"Just go with it, enjoy what you have", "Seek for an alternative and make yourself merry" or even "Get over it!"

But yet, I am still here trying to locate where I am.

As a person who's been in and out of love quite too often, you'd think that i'd know what to do... i'd master this. Honestly, that's what I thought. I was over confident and thinking that I'd know. I had the maps of romance that I wrote myself with tips and tricks from the very own experiences.

But of course, the universe gives the route that I am unfamiliar with. It is all strange looking of environment... It is so distant but feels so close. It is so captivating but yet it is intoxicating. It is so cruel but it just is alluring. It is so real but yet feels so delirious.

That's the kind of romance I am in now.

He is the strange looking maze that the universe delivered to me and yet, I volunteered myself to jump in. And months later, I am still here holding my-unused-past-romance-experiences-map trying to comprehend or at least, unravel way to comfortably walk in it. If that even possible.

The question is no longer about how to exit, but more about, "Should I leave? or should I stay?"

You know, this is the very time when I just wish that my future or past can swallow me. The state of being real, or so called reality, is just too bewildering.

If I were a year younger, I would be singing through the maze. But, at this age, I am exhausted but yet frightened.

Frankly, I am afraid that I already have had the answer for all these times. I am afraid that the only thing that can take me away is the map that has always been in my hand.

The map was not inapplicable to begin with, in fact, it is probably so applicable and precise for this very story.

But certainly, deep inside I am frightened that the map will only show me way that I am too familiar with. A way, no-other-than a way out.

Trauma of Promises

It hit me that if there was any trauma I have, it'd be trauma of promises.

Tonight is just like any other nights, except I finally managed to bring myself to go to the mosque.

Then it was the time for the preaching. This imam started with all the good that this Holy Month brings...but it wasn't until he mentioned the word 'trauma' that I started paying attention and without me knowing, my mind rushed back to the past.

It was exactly August 21, 2003 when I departed from him to pursue my dreams. I was overwhelmingly sad but his promises gave me strength and belief that what we had would defeat oceans and time.

His promises had fed me and even allowed me to construct such a wonderful dreams, which I frequently had mentioned in this blog.

Little that I know, oceans and time beat us. His promises sounded more like mocking words.

It was the beginning of a new definition and sensation that promises bring...

Promises start to alarming me instead of giving me hopes.

Promises are identified with lies instead of happiness.

Promises can only mean nothing but the spoken words.

But it isn't until tonight that I realize that he has made me trauma with promises.

The Uncertainty

It is amazing how you could lose your words when you are required to write about topics that have always been the center of your blog. While ofcourse in some other times, you've always tried to find a way to sneak in and write in your blog even when your boss has sent you a kindly reminder for not going online for non-work-purposes.

It is always the story, isnt it?

You would think that you're prepared for everything in life. But when such opportunity like writing about you're passionate about present or when your past decided to add you in Blackberry messenger, your brain starts to question your ability to cope with that.

Yes it certainly is challenging. It is life's character that always prefers uncertainty that sometimes catches you off guard.

Thus, you can blame the uncertainty for bringing your past back to you. Unfortunately, it is also the same thing that took your dream away seven years ago.

Seven years apart and ofcourse the uncertainty caught off you guard with your past replying, "It has been too long since we last met, so in the end, there is nothing to miss," when you messaged "I miss you"

See, that same thing "the uncertainty" has just dragged you down just as fast as it lifted you up .

You just can never be too certain.

But at least there's always that "Haha. I even forgot that we ever met" kind of answer.

Ah new guy, same dick!

Its an awakening call. It feels like someone has punched my heart, in the morning. Just what I was wishing for.

Trying to think of what is a better word for broken heart, but instead I could only find a fool and misery to substitute the words.

I wasn't a foolish, he did offer me a romance. I wasn't in misery, he had me merry.

But this morning, these two words are sounding louder than ever.

It is never easy but I guess I am used to it. I'm just hoping that I'm immune to the pain. Therefore in the future, there is no memory lane that will hold me back from taking a leap to fall in love.

I'm used to this, I keep reminding myself. But I suppose, this tiny hear ache is playing dominantly in my thoughts.

Move on, oh how I just hate that word! Can I just move on with you? A little part of my heart screams to give us another chance...

Damn, you've even charmed my heart...

But no. This is the time like any other time for me to keep my head up and say, "I will be fine" and inhale my freedom that I once surrendered to you.

Life is life and I am picking up this broken pieces of my heart.

A guest star in my movie

Every story always has two sides of POV... But unfortunately with the past still being himself and the universe still keeps the distance, you will only hear this story from me.

It is easy to reminisce but it is sometimes damn difficult to accept that something or someone might only belong in the past. Yes, no matter how keen you are to bring it to your present... somehow the past has stronger gravity that will pull that something/ someone away from you...

Life, I realize, has its own mind and time. It is now teasing me to think that he might still be my mr. Big and that I might get that "it-took-me-awhile-here-but-i'm-here-now" kind of finale.

But ofcourse, the more I try... the more skeptic I become. Whatever that is happening now, he's only a guest in my movie.

I start to think that afterall, perhaps there is a reason why he has always been only a temporer in my movie...

An ended life...

That thought has crossed my mind more often... It seems that it almost convinces me that it perhaps the only way to appease this ache.

They say it is about being ready, but to me... it is about being keen or desperately want... When you want it desperately, that's the only thing that keeps replying in your mind...and you can just do it... Hell or heaven seem surreal because the only place you want to be at is anywhere but here...

Tears become the real bestfriend...ache become the regular heart's visitor...

Answers don't mean anything anymore when there are too many questions.

You ask to yourself if perhaps in a second, smile could paint your face and there is no more ache...but then life pulls you and brings you back to what's so called present.

Your eyes open but your lips still whisper:

I wish, I pray for no more ache.

What is life really? I'm trying to find the answer everyday in my life in every faces that I see.

They say, life means nothing when there's no one to love or love you, and when dreams are no longer exist. Well, I guess my life has had no meaning for awhile.

They also say that your life brings something to the world. Really? Which world do they talk about? which world that needs me? Because I'd love to see and feel needed.

Bitter or whatever you may call me...I am numbing my feelings anyway.

I am trying not to feel anything. Cuz' frankly the only thing that I can feel is hopelessness and frighten.

I tell myself, "Hold on.. Don't feel anything. Wait, just wait until God is kind enough to bring you back in His arm"

Headache and works and life

About thirty minutes ago, I was writing my blog when my computer died on me. The blog started with something like this:

Here I am sitting, trying to breathe through my stuffed nose... bla bla bla..

It was the beginning of another sobering episode of my life recorded in this blog. Thankfully, about 10 mins ago I found something to laugh at... I had not laughed that hard... It's reducing headache, which has accompanied me all day...

Then here I am in a more lightened mood... trying to convey what my mind wants to say...

Let list words that usually stressing me out:

1. Miss/ Long
I dont reckon that I miss or long for anyone currently. My recent pasts have popped up out of nowhere and befriended me. They did make me merry, impermanently though... Things will just remain the same, regardless how I've wanted to change it...They're million miles away, I am here. They pursue their dreams, I am busy make a living and busy to seek for what I want.

2. Future
Yes, I am a bit freaking out with the reality. Reality wants to suck me in. Will the place that I have always dreamed of be the place where I will reside in the future? Have I made the right decision? Had I tried hard enough?

3. Some other personal things
That includes everything that I have kept in private for love sake. This, I truly realize have played the largest part for my headache lately.

4. Friends
Gosh! I havent found a friend whom I can just share stories with... I am a bit cautious. Thanks to my friendship history. I know some people are sincerely kind but it is just hard for me sometimes to just letting myself go.
However, I would not complain any further about this as I have my very very best mates around the world, who have been there for me even they're million miles away...

There, I am a bit unfocus... pardon that. My headache is just returning

Alright, I am just going to leave it here...

This does full of shits... literally!

What is life really? Well mine is pretty much full of shit!! And yes, I feel slightly better after I wrote that...

I almost cried for a reason, which has reminded me that people you love, can just make or break you...

They can make you super merry and give you courage that you've never had... but there are sometimes when they can also make you feel like shit and the loneliest person despite the fact that you're surrounded by crowd...

When there's only that wistful feeling left, you have options to participate in your emotion or to let it go...

And for this particular issue, I am just going to let it go... I dont give a shit!

Here is what I have learned... some people you love, you can never change... the only thing that you can change is how you reckon about it...

It sucks and I have to admit that pride used to go on my way... but then I thought to myself, as long as I didnt start the fire, I could only give a shit about it!

Yes... I have buzzed many shits words here since I couldnt find any better words to elaborate what I wanted to say (I searched for the similar-but more appropriate word of shit on thesaurus and the result was NIL)




**Let me breathe for abit... been running for awhile and obviously been disoriented...

when reality becomes too real

I don't really use the word "lonely" in my life for an obvious reason, I didn't reckon it was applicable to me. Until today.

The word has found me. I damn deteste it! Its like I want to be honest with myself but yet part of me defies it.

Perhaps I am just too emotional. Perhaps I had always been in denial. Whatever the reason is, loneliness is palpable.

To God, would you please hold my hand?

Me and Waiting and I am Pissed off!

Here I am waiting, and waiting is never listed as my favorite word.

If it was, perhaps I wouldn't be flying solo... Perhaps, I would be travelling hand in hand with someone whom I liked but had made me wait... Perhaps, I would tolerate anyone who moved on slower phase than me... Perhaps, I would take my time doing nothing and enjoy my vacation...Perhaps, I wouldn't be here waiting...

But waiting in fact is the verb that I've tried to avoid. That, and being in uncertainty. Those would catch me off-guard and make me unhappy.

When you make people wait and if it is because of your own bad time management, it shows disrespect.

Yes tons of excuses I've heard. The rubber time culture, the-infinite-traffic-jam, etc etc.

Well how about trying this alternative, consider about all possibilities before you leave including "traffic jam, late trains" shits, calculate the time, and leave accordingly...

Waiting for 2 hours? How does it make you feel?

NO GOOD! Perhaps start valuing other people's time would be an alternative?

Walking through the rain

It is raining outside and it has always been raining every night lately...As I am writing this, I see how the rain describes some current events in my life: sometimes it soothes me but there are many times when I wish I'd just stay home.

It could be your frenemies indeed.

And just like the rain, you can't really stop some events in your life to occur... They are inevitable, regardless how painful they are to you.

Life, you can't just choose to get in and out anytime you want...

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"

This I remind myself everyday...

You need ridiculously big faith... But sometimes you find yourself wondering, "Really? Can I make it through the rain?" and when you seek around, you don't find any signs.

Worse, your necessary faith takes time to be found...

Your eyes seemed to be immune regardless how desperately you want to cry. You listen to your own words repeating every wisdoms you have heard, but somehow they all just sound strange.

It is like you're there but your soul is no where close.

When this happened, one could only beg that Alloh didn't trust her enough to go through this alone, she needed HIM more than anything.

And So I pray...

It is amazing how a course of life can change in a matter of days. Yesterday, I was all ready to plan my vacation trip and suddenly today everything seems more and more uncertain.

We can never plan our life, can't we? This is why I always admire gambler or optimist. How could you be certain when you know that life is unpredictable? And how could you be fine if things don't go your way?

I'm not a risk taker when it comes to my future. I have to be certain about what will be ahead of me for I to jump into a situation. I usually think of as many scenarios as I can find... I apply "prepare for the worst" for everything, including my expectations to people and the way I perceive my future.

On the surface, people misunderstood me as risk taker and that is usually because I have traveled to some unfamiliar places and stuffs...

In case of travelling to some strange sites with no language I speak, I reckon as long as I know what I want and some basic things like where I will stay and such... I will be fine.

I need a purpose, I will figure things out later.

Purpose makes me feel that I am in control. That keeps me from getting insane.

But ofcourse, life is way too powerful even for someone who has two or three back up plans... It always manages to throw you offguard.

"Shit does happen!" and all you can do just keep reminding yourself, "you'll make it!"

Yes it is tough especially when the world seems to be unkind and the future seems unpromising...

When that happens, I find peace in my past...

A friend of mine asked me if I ever let go my past... I answered, Yes I have but there are sometimes when revisiting the past becomes the only way for me to going through the present.

And at this very moment, that is what I am trying to do... revisiting my past...

But somehow, this time, I fail to find familiar faces and here I am, alone.



IL MIO DIO, please give me mercy.

Dance in the different life stage

I finally have the time and energy to update this little blog... Life has been in fast speed... I commenced my new job as a PR and it has only been my second day...but, I have been pretty drained.

The good news is my colleague promised that I could still have social life and go clubbing despite the crazy work hours... That's a relief, I guess.

I am liking my job, so far. But I'm pretty sure that this phase of learning new things has exhausted my brain and energy...

So exhausted that I slept away my Saturday night.

It feels damn good though when you get sometimes to just relax for a bit after your long hours of running around... But honestly, I'm liking myself to be busy and keep going...

I have also progressed in meeting new ppl and actually made efforts to hang out with them... Only some of them, but it is pretty good considering that "mingle" was something that I refused to do sometimes ago...

I'm taking my time but I'll get there eventually.

I have started giving direction to ppl who's giving me ride home... Though sometimes it would take me longer to get home... A little lost here and there happens...

As you can notice, my attention has been divided into many things...I am trying to digest things slowly so I don't overwhelm myself.

Its bad enough that on my first day, all the paperworks that I would have to do in the future, made every single bones in my body ache only by looking at it!

Yes, welcome to the real freaking world! -my friend told me.

Ahh this is the world that they have been talking about! I though to myself. It does not seem distant anymore, in fact,I am living in it now!

As for the romance update, I suppose its on break for the moment... Well unless my heart decides differently...(Based on my experience, it could happen in a blink of an eye)

But as I'm having this brief moment to write this, I am praying that my existing experiences have made me wiser and stronger in handling this so called real world.

After all, I am still trying to find my new tune but you can damn be sure that I am ready to dance in this real life stage!!!

A little thought amid the business of working

I cant believe it happened again... I am here, writing about things that I should have stopped writing about a week ago. That, according to the rule: "It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them"

Apparently it is not always true. I have not gotten over it or him yet... it is even longer than the amount of our dating period. Our relationship is between, "it was something and somewhere inside, I am still hoping that it would turn out to be something..."

And ofcourse, he is unaware of this fact... the particular fact that elaborates how I truly feel and what I want from him. This I-dont-miss-you gal has sent I-havent-thought-of-you-emails and I-am-too-busy kind of online chats.

Until last night, somehow I had failed to escape from the thoughts of him. I couldnt sleep.

So, I told myself that it was okey to send him a I-miss-you kind of e-mail. To my surprise, I did it.

I went even further, today, I initiated our online conversation. Having all ready to sneak a little I miss you kind of messages during our conversation, I called his name and at the same time told this little heart "Its okey, go ahead... let go"

Conversation went smoothly, he is always kind and says the right thing. Honestly, that makes me wonder if I could trust every single words he has said.

I know he is a nice person. period. to everyone else too. period. So being unkind, I dont think, would be his style.

I should stop questioning. I am learning to have some trust in him and to other people. I should stop questioning people's motives.

But the thing is, everytime I let myself go and trust people... there is always someone manages to bring me back to my skepticism... I remember once-a-mate-of-mine says to me, "Maybe your expectation on me is too high" when I asked her why she was being damn selfish.

People are people.

Oh what the hell!!!! I can never know the truth, as much as I wanted to. Surely I've got tons of questions about "him and I" now or even "him and I" before...

But just like any other affairs I have had in the past, those questions would only make us go silent and ofcourse, make me go crazy.

But unlike me in the past, to him, I am going to stop questioning. At least, I will try...my best. I just hope I dont have a-too-high-expectation on him.

Here I am, in a rather calm afternoon, back at home. Merry that I finally got to see my brother who went backpacking to Bali. Members of this small family is all here. Certainly something that occurs rarely as soon as kids grow up and have their own thoughts. Suddenly going out sounds more familiar than going home.

To see my-in-the-process-of-growing-up brother and to have sometimes to think, were the reasons I decided to return home last minute and went through all those-waiting on the line just to sit on the floor on the train home.

It was so pathetic that I had to sit on the floor and paid the same freaking amount of money that those people who were sleeping on the reclined seats paid. Yes, apparently I would do anything just to escape from the capital-jungle city.

And once I met my mother in the train station, she wonders, "why don't you just take the airplane?"

I don't think that two hours traffic jam will worth 45 minutes of plane ride.

I am never really a big fan of short distance flight, since it always goes this way: you start enjoying your reclined seats, admiring the scene from your window, letting your thoughts wander while accompanied by your very favorite songsm... and then "PUFF!!!" the seatbelt sign on and the very voice of the captain comes up announcing "flight attendants on landing position"

You have to end the unfinished thoughts and pack your belongings.

That is why I would rather take the train. Those moments that I probably could only enjoy in the airplane for a very short period, I can experience for at least 5 hours.

Moreover from those long rides, I sometimes have stories to tell. Like yesterday...that hectic moment introduced me to two fun/ crazy people. Hence, the non-stop-chit chat all the way.

But no worries, amid the noise of the train and our own chit chat, my thoughts never failed to escape.

And it was rather surprising, especially there is interesting people involved!

I had this guy, surely attractive, telling me about his impressive career and showing interests in my life by asking me tons of questions... And all I could say was "ya udah gitu aja" translates "that's it" everytime he followed up with other questions.

I was fully aware that there was flirtation effort he made. And if I were me-a year ago, perhaps there would also be a flirtation effort coming from me. But that wasn't what exactly happened last night.

I actually had to try showing interests!!! It wasn't going natural!

I knew I was attracted to him, but somehow I felt exhausted.

He wrote his number on my palm... And I didn't put his number in my cellphone although I had my blackberry handy on my hand. It was rude.

I realized that I was just so drained and I still am.

I think everything that has happened to me romantically has made me a-crush-proof.

And even the heartless guy, who was my mr.big for 6 years, confirmed and stated how I have become numb.

Maybe I have or maybe I am just too preoccupied.

Second day in this jungle, can one actually settling down?

Season six, episode "ONE" of sex and the city just brought me back to where I was couple weeks ago... Reminiscing and longing...Those two words, I thought, have evaporated..

Here goes again the melancholy... For this, I would like to blame the freaking rain that has prevented me from going out.. and my recklessness...of all 94 episodes, ofcourse I would choose that... Damn it!

But right 30 mins ago, before watching that exact episode to be exact,I actually was feeling just fine...

I worked, I had a good nap and my favorite food delivered...I guess you can only understand the meaning of relaxing when you barely have time to sit and be by yourself...

I always appreciate my 'loner' time... You know, the time when you can just be by yourself and do whatever you wanna do...without having to converse or even compromise with other people and their needs...

Being alone and all reminds me of the question that people have thrown around me since my returning, and its only been 2 weeks...

"When are you going start to settle down?"

And I am sure that the settle down here means romance wise. The questions, I believe, would go along with these: "why don't you start thinking about settling down with someone?" "Has the idea of getting married crossed your mind?" "Why don't you date an Indonesian?"

Well the last question, I actually, have heard a lot from people...

But honestly, I am not even certain how to answer all of those questions and I am pretty sure that there is no right answer.

I am enjoying my life the way it is now. Yes, sometimes I get my hearts broken. Yes, sometimes I do wanna have someone whom I can go home to. I am fully aware that my life is imperfect...

And I might not know when I can end people's question of settling down...

But all I know for sure is, I am 23 going on 24 this year and my life has just begun.

And I believe that everything will fall into places at the right place and on the perfect time.

Future and Past in the Present Inquiry

Heart of the Matter sung by Indie Arie is playing on the background... Today is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday and I will be off to another city, doing God knows what.

The future still becomes the infamous inquiry and decision to be made. I am taking my time; I stall from making any further headache and heart race everytime the thoughts of where I would be, appeared. I am waiting.

Waiting for that sign to shade some lights in this hazy situation... I know what I want, but this crucial time could decide whether I could end up living my dream or even seeking a new dream...

Well, that is future for us... us here meaning any homo sapiens who lives and dreams and in certain age has to decide where shall life be taken to?

Enough about the future... the more I speak about it, the more my hands itch to write more about non-sense....

Now back to reality.... well in this real world, at least my world, has invited the past to peek in my present... Why did I do that?!

It all started when I unpacked every letters, gretting cards and diaries that I've ever had... and there, in the mid of my unfinished diary, laid the list mobile numbers of my mates including my past.

I was fully aware that 'the list' could be the gate to my past... and hoping to befriend my past, who has refused to be amicable towards me these past years, I decided to take a shot.... I sms-ed him...

Somewhere deep inside, I was hoping that his cellphone's number had changed so my message wouldnt get anywhere and dropped in the mid of Indian ocean.

But ofcourse, about 15 mins later, 'DING'.... I received a reply from him.

He sounded eloquent, like always, and rather just-okey-with-his-life... as I am writing this, I am trying to recall how he was when I met him... I guess he hasnt changed much...

It took me hours to finally sent another message... I was uncertain with my own action, I feared that this lets-be-friend kinda action would just be like opening a pandora box. You just never know.

I was hoping that I could have a little trip down the memory lane and perhaps find an inspiration...

Couple back and forth smses later, I started to realize that neither the future nor this subtle invitation to my past can answer my question now: where is my life heading?

Here I am, laying on this bed and trying to laugh at the tv show that I am watching... But obviously, laugh doesn't come easy when you try hard...

Life brought me back home, along with inquiries from people about the future plan that I (might) have...

Yes, questions, questions and more questions...

I was type of person who was pretty certain about where I was heading in my life, but the course of life has taught me differently...

The wisdom, "shit happens" and ofcourse "everything happens for a reason", sounds more familiar and comforting at last...

The last phrase, I am currently trying to find the answer of...

The world might fuss over my future, but frankly I fuss over my heart.

He walked into my life and I question, "did we really happen for a reason? Or was she the butt of some universe joke?"

And I'm praying that the answer would come soon, a merry one, I hope.