Here I am, in a rather calm afternoon, back at home. Merry that I finally got to see my brother who went backpacking to Bali. Members of this small family is all here. Certainly something that occurs rarely as soon as kids grow up and have their own thoughts. Suddenly going out sounds more familiar than going home.

To see my-in-the-process-of-growing-up brother and to have sometimes to think, were the reasons I decided to return home last minute and went through all those-waiting on the line just to sit on the floor on the train home.

It was so pathetic that I had to sit on the floor and paid the same freaking amount of money that those people who were sleeping on the reclined seats paid. Yes, apparently I would do anything just to escape from the capital-jungle city.

And once I met my mother in the train station, she wonders, "why don't you just take the airplane?"

I don't think that two hours traffic jam will worth 45 minutes of plane ride.

I am never really a big fan of short distance flight, since it always goes this way: you start enjoying your reclined seats, admiring the scene from your window, letting your thoughts wander while accompanied by your very favorite songsm... and then "PUFF!!!" the seatbelt sign on and the very voice of the captain comes up announcing "flight attendants on landing position"

You have to end the unfinished thoughts and pack your belongings.

That is why I would rather take the train. Those moments that I probably could only enjoy in the airplane for a very short period, I can experience for at least 5 hours.

Moreover from those long rides, I sometimes have stories to tell. Like yesterday...that hectic moment introduced me to two fun/ crazy people. Hence, the non-stop-chit chat all the way.

But no worries, amid the noise of the train and our own chit chat, my thoughts never failed to escape.

And it was rather surprising, especially there is interesting people involved!

I had this guy, surely attractive, telling me about his impressive career and showing interests in my life by asking me tons of questions... And all I could say was "ya udah gitu aja" translates "that's it" everytime he followed up with other questions.

I was fully aware that there was flirtation effort he made. And if I were me-a year ago, perhaps there would also be a flirtation effort coming from me. But that wasn't what exactly happened last night.

I actually had to try showing interests!!! It wasn't going natural!

I knew I was attracted to him, but somehow I felt exhausted.

He wrote his number on my palm... And I didn't put his number in my cellphone although I had my blackberry handy on my hand. It was rude.

I realized that I was just so drained and I still am.

I think everything that has happened to me romantically has made me a-crush-proof.

And even the heartless guy, who was my mr.big for 6 years, confirmed and stated how I have become numb.

Maybe I have or maybe I am just too preoccupied.

Second day in this jungle, can one actually settling down?

Season six, episode "ONE" of sex and the city just brought me back to where I was couple weeks ago... Reminiscing and longing...Those two words, I thought, have evaporated..

Here goes again the melancholy... For this, I would like to blame the freaking rain that has prevented me from going out.. and my recklessness...of all 94 episodes, ofcourse I would choose that... Damn it!

But right 30 mins ago, before watching that exact episode to be exact,I actually was feeling just fine...

I worked, I had a good nap and my favorite food delivered...I guess you can only understand the meaning of relaxing when you barely have time to sit and be by yourself...

I always appreciate my 'loner' time... You know, the time when you can just be by yourself and do whatever you wanna do...without having to converse or even compromise with other people and their needs...

Being alone and all reminds me of the question that people have thrown around me since my returning, and its only been 2 weeks...

"When are you going start to settle down?"

And I am sure that the settle down here means romance wise. The questions, I believe, would go along with these: "why don't you start thinking about settling down with someone?" "Has the idea of getting married crossed your mind?" "Why don't you date an Indonesian?"

Well the last question, I actually, have heard a lot from people...

But honestly, I am not even certain how to answer all of those questions and I am pretty sure that there is no right answer.

I am enjoying my life the way it is now. Yes, sometimes I get my hearts broken. Yes, sometimes I do wanna have someone whom I can go home to. I am fully aware that my life is imperfect...

And I might not know when I can end people's question of settling down...

But all I know for sure is, I am 23 going on 24 this year and my life has just begun.

And I believe that everything will fall into places at the right place and on the perfect time.

Future and Past in the Present Inquiry

Heart of the Matter sung by Indie Arie is playing on the background... Today is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday and I will be off to another city, doing God knows what.

The future still becomes the infamous inquiry and decision to be made. I am taking my time; I stall from making any further headache and heart race everytime the thoughts of where I would be, appeared. I am waiting.

Waiting for that sign to shade some lights in this hazy situation... I know what I want, but this crucial time could decide whether I could end up living my dream or even seeking a new dream...

Well, that is future for us... us here meaning any homo sapiens who lives and dreams and in certain age has to decide where shall life be taken to?

Enough about the future... the more I speak about it, the more my hands itch to write more about non-sense....

Now back to reality.... well in this real world, at least my world, has invited the past to peek in my present... Why did I do that?!

It all started when I unpacked every letters, gretting cards and diaries that I've ever had... and there, in the mid of my unfinished diary, laid the list mobile numbers of my mates including my past.

I was fully aware that 'the list' could be the gate to my past... and hoping to befriend my past, who has refused to be amicable towards me these past years, I decided to take a shot.... I sms-ed him...

Somewhere deep inside, I was hoping that his cellphone's number had changed so my message wouldnt get anywhere and dropped in the mid of Indian ocean.

But ofcourse, about 15 mins later, 'DING'.... I received a reply from him.

He sounded eloquent, like always, and rather just-okey-with-his-life... as I am writing this, I am trying to recall how he was when I met him... I guess he hasnt changed much...

It took me hours to finally sent another message... I was uncertain with my own action, I feared that this lets-be-friend kinda action would just be like opening a pandora box. You just never know.

I was hoping that I could have a little trip down the memory lane and perhaps find an inspiration...

Couple back and forth smses later, I started to realize that neither the future nor this subtle invitation to my past can answer my question now: where is my life heading?