Writing for a reflection...

You would prefer to watch TV. You would prefer to just go to sleep. You would prefer to just ponder and cry. We would choose to go on circle. It's always frightening to try to put your thoughts in writing, because usually only then that you find the truth of the matter. Never simple, never easy. They say, you overthink. Obsessed by your own thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, they are right. But who are they to judge. Never black nor white. Never simple, never easy. It is one of those (too often) time when you feel like everything just goes off the track. It is one of those time when you feel like everyone unload their burdens on you. It is one of those time when you're drowned in your wishes trying to please everyone. To try to be enough. It is one of those vicious cycles that you wish to escape from. Ah, the word escape sounds just so beautiful. But yet, frightening. Where will it start? When will it end? You decide to stand still. Hoping for this will go away. Wishing for this is to change. Even it means, when silence knocks, your heart's just wrenched a little and your tears inevitable...

Love/Hate

In life, sometimes you have to choose. Between yes and no. Between ups and downs. Between hope and reality. Between future and present. It is not always easy. It cannot always be black and white. It, simply, cannot be not complicated. But it shouldn't stop anyone from making a choice. It may bring you to your downfall. Or, it may even bring you to the happiness that you have been longing for. Basically, do not be afraid to choose, take a chance. No one says that life would be easy. Relationship would always be convenient and comfortable. Or Work would be simple. But that is just how it is and it all comes down to how you deal with it. True, my life experience is only half yours. True, I am more idealistic when it comes to life approach. True, I am less afraid of what's facing in front of us. It is not because I am a super woman. It is not because I have magic trick. But it is simply because I know that we have now has given me strength, willingness to try. To make it work. As someone who just would rather swallow a bullet than beg anyone to stay...and as someone who's a strong advocate of women power, I find myself conflicting in the idea of having to fight or even give argument on why we could work. But rightly or wrongly, I do have and want to be honest....and it means that you have heard me over and over again sounding message 'how we are great together. Even in future tense too.' to you. True, your indecisiveness could just make me want to shake you up and scream 'grow up!' to you. True, your lack of consideration could just make me want to say 'Screw you!'. True, your mood swing could just make me have to swallow my pride. If you were somebody else, we probably wouldn't stand a chance. But you are not somebody else. You are you. One that makes me smile. One that makes me laugh. One that takes care of me. One that gets along with almost everyone that matter to me. One that can make me rethink twice before I do stupid things. One that can make me less selfish. One that can make me want to be a better person. And more importantly, one that makes me go beyond to work on our relationship. Now, its probably not enough for you. But, nothing will be enough. It's probably not giving you certainty. But, nothing will. People sometimes make promises, but they sometimes are the ones who break them. Future is unknown. But I tell you this. You love me. I love you. We are a good partner. So surely, whatever we face in future, you know we have those fundamental basics. ...and just when you think that it'd be easy to give up...just remember times when you make me laugh. Love and Hate,

...When a fool...

...well, I woke up with question that still lingers 'How long do you need to convince someone that you are worth it...and that what you have is good?', 'Why do I even need to convince you...?' Maybe I am naive, inexperienced - but I have always imagined that you wouldnt have any doubt, you wouldnt need lots of convincing when you find one that has made you less selfish, care more and see life in a more colorful way. That's how I have felt about him. Doubt was slowly swept away, replaced with hope and bliss. But when I found myself to convince him again, those doubts, dissapointment and humiliation have rushed in. I doubt if he even loves me, the way I love him. I am dissapointed at him for hurting me (again!) and at myself for letting me believe that this may work. I am humiliated when I find myself questioning my own self, trying to convince you that I am worth it. People will never change. Dreams may not always happen. I am not perfect, and I am working on myself. But I am not sure just how long it takes for me to realize that I dont need to convince someone that I am worth it... Because you know when you know.

Magical emotion

It is like a fragile glass, my heart. No matter strong it appears, with one touch it  can easily break. That's what I recently learned.

 I find my voice shaking every time I talk about you. I hold my eyes from tearing, every time I look into your eyes.I feel my heart shrunk every time the world unkind to you. I talk myself to stand still when you push me away. I smile every time i see you happy. I disregard my pride when I run to your call. 
I want to tell you all of these....but my lips sealed. 
It is not that I cannot describe how I feel...
It just terrifies me to see how much power you have over me...
...and it just kills me to know that you might disappear from my life

But on the off chance you find this... I wish you knew...

....I stand before you with my heart in my hand and I hope you don't break it...

Today's lessons

Sunday morning conversation:

My father is in town and always love to have him here given the fact that I barely see my parents and he's a good cook...

Father: I am going to make fried rice
Me: I already had breakfast
Father: With what?
Me: Spicy chicken that you made last night.
Father: Oh, well you can just have my fried rice for the second course.

- I can just see my mother shaking her head and thinking, "Your daughter needs to lose weight if she wants to fit in well in that dress!" -

and of course she goes, "You need to go to the tailor today and fix the dress... and leave at noon, the tailor lady is pregnant - so she wont be at the shop all day."

The queen of the house commanded.


Well, another conversation I had was with the guy whom I work with.

Him: I am moving to a new place today so we can either meet early tomorrow or afternoon or I can send someone to discuss this with you.
Me: I am out of town noon tomorrow and only return on Thursday. Early tomorrow at 8 am?
(I contemplated because it'd mean that I would have back to back meetings before my flight)
Him: 8 am that is.

-On the other hand, good thing that he's cute!-


I woke up at 8 am and those conversation happened in less than two hours... I guess the lesson of today is: NEVER WAKE UP BEFORE 10 AM, SO YOU WONT BE TOO SLEEPY AND START COMMITING TO ANYTHING THAT CAN ONLY RUIN YOUR PLAN TO HAVE A CHILLAXING SUNDAY.

One and half years in the industry...

It is Saturday night and here I am having the time of my life sitting at my apt and writing this blog. Well, I, sadly enough, find this better than having to develop a press release for my company's event.

Wait a minute, I am not a procrastinator (Okey, maybe sometimes) - but in my defense, this very assignment came last minute as in yesterday. Heck, I already tried to talk my way out of it - but of course, they always managed to talk my way back to it. To be fair, I don't want to be responsible for any mishap in any message communicated to outside world.

Thus, you find me here - writing this blog, only because I just finished in developing and approving my own press release in two hours time! Achievement!

Well, that's just the thing about being in the communication industry, I realize. Though, I have to admit that I am no where close to be an expert in the industry - so any views expressed here are purely based on personal experience, if not- imagination.

I like the industry - it is restless and always keeps my feet on the ground. You get to meet different walks of life and even give your-so-called-expertise to the people who's higher in world's hierarchy and smarter than you, only because you have more field experiences than them.

It is the land of bullshiting - but evidence based and expectation managed type of bullshits. (My previous PR agency taught me well).

And often time, you will be required to make the impossible- possible with the art of communication... (I will explain this in further details some other time otherwise I get you and myself bored)

PR industry is an interesting industry and never in my life that I thought I would be interested in this field, if you asked me two years ago.

I was all about being a journalist and author - but in reality, in the country where those professions face more challenges than opportunities and having to realize that not many people want to read about my sea of emotions in newspapers, I decided that taking this job as it would be quite a challenge for me.

-I get bored rather easily so constant challenge and new things are vital(if you havent known me well enough)-

It took me awhile to finally say no to the offer to working in Malaysia in a news NGO and yes to the offer of becoming a PR. The question of "should I follow my idealism or fall to reality?" was the center of my contemplation.

On one hand, I wanted to help people and made the world a better place (surprise!) but on the other hand, this PR job offered new challenge and new world. I would get to learn about new things with better pay and less life threat!

I should tell you first, it was my dream to go to Afghanistan or Iraq or Iran and report from there....

And after my trusted friend advised, "You have done journalism for almost two years, learn something new and if you dont like it, you can go back to be a journalist!" - I was sold with the thought that I could still be a journalist if I didnt like the job.

But as you may see, here I am - one and half years in the PR industry and have worked with two companies already.

Trust me when I say, Life takes you places and introduces you to people you'd never thought.

I started falling in love with the industry - see, I am a bit hesitant to use any strong word i.e. Love.. because I know that people change and I change, so I dont want to jenks it and being held accountable in the future when I decide to leave the industry.

But anyway, so far, the industry has treated me kind. Of course, there is some hiccups here and there - but hey, you'll find it anywhere else.

But I am not your typical PR though who looks and talks sweet. I dont do that. I appear presentable - even look more presentable when there's cute guy (FOCUS!) and I always try my best to have-evidence based kind of bullshit - I dont offer promises if I cant deliver, I dont suck up to people, etc. In fact, as I quote from my friend, "I am too straightforward for a PR person"

Oh well... I think it's important to stay true and have your own flavor in any career that you do - because that will make you happy and set you apart from your peers.

I think being happy in everything that you do is very important and that is something that money cant buy. So-called-a-friend-of-mine said that like happiness, everyone can be bought and I was the example of 'being bought' by my new company.

Yes, the very new career bought me... but they bought me with new and clear career opportunity - in any case, people only wants to move up (my ego is speaking).

AND

No, not everyone can be bought with money. I might not always be the best example - so I will only use all great people in the world e.g. Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, or even my new friend who's in his humble life adopts 12 children from different places that hit by disasters - as living proof that not everyone can be lured by money.

-Sometimes people's opinion can just take you by surprise-

Anyway, beyond my expectation, as a PR, I could also channel my longing to write. Be it press release, case study, white paper, etc... Of course, I would rather bitching in my blog than writing about some strange topics that I wouldnt pay attention in life e.g. agriculture, sharia banking, etc...

BUT, as many journalist and legit authors agree - writing can just take you places and introduce you to new world. I think, constant learning can only make one better.

Anyway, to summarize this non-important-blogpost, this PR industry is a career solution for my life imperfection... and this blog is my canal for my longing to write, bitching about the world and catering to my sea of emotions!

So far, it works fine.

And if you asked me if you have the exact career that you want...well I would say, if it makes you happy and willingly sacrifice your Saturday night to catch up on some works, I'd say you might already find the one, well for now. ;)


With hope and love,
Chat

I know not...

...and hello again,

Been awhile since I updated this blog - but tracing back this blog, you might just see how more and more irregular I am in updating you, my reader. (I am not even sure if anyone would even care to read this) :) But per puro caso (by sheer of chance), hope someone i.e. you would actually read my blog.

Things have been well with me... still loaded with works, and more works and more traveling (Yay!) and get to see more and more new faces. It's just amazing how different one person from another, I realize.

The recent trip to this little island humbled me and made me wondering, if life was supposed to be or could be as simple as how people there live it.

Of course, the people there do have challenges e.g. inadequate education, public facilities, etc (they were badly damaged by earthquake in 2006) - heck, they even have big concern over corruption (whats new!).. but the closer I looked, the more I realized that they are bunch of grateful people!

In this very modest scene, at least 50 teachers from different parts of the island came and were volunteered to be trained... and they were just very accepting towards the situation that they are in.

Acceptance is definitely something that might just be a characteristic that people nowadays i.e. me lack of and sets me apart with them. It is a simple concept of living this life, which sometimes I forget.

That very concept might just be the answer of my question, "Do we or could we have a safety net in life?" - well ladies and gents, maybe we do and its called, acceptance.

You try hard achieving your dream, risking your heart and getting hurt - and the vicious cycle sometimes doesnt stop - but instead of keep being dissapointed and hating the world, perhaps we just need to slow down and accept what has come.

Allow ourselves to accept that sometime, something is just not meant for us, no matter how hard we try or high we hope.

My heart sunk even when I am writing this. To me, its very clear what it is that I need to let go or actually, in the process of letting go.

Frankly I am just not too certain if it really was my heart or my pride that takes this the hardest.

But again, whatever it is - I need to accept that the very dream should just remain as a dream, in the past.

Accept. Accept. Accept. I am telling myself.

But to begin with... I am fully aware that I am not in the position to force my will nor that I want to. I have no option but accepting.

"I could have...
we could have...
What could have I done...?
What have I done...?"

Those are things that run through my head and I know that eventually I might or might not come to my consciousness that regardless how hard I try or high I hope... something is just not meant for me. And as simple as life should be, I need to accept that.




-The fact that you are willing to say, "I do not understand, and it is fine," is the greatest understanding you could exhibit.- Wayne Dyer