Bewildering maze

That is just the thing about love, or I think in this case love is too strong of a word, so I'd just use crush or infatuation. But then again, will crush-type of feeling stay for months? It is obvious that I am indecisive about how I feel... and ofcourse, it is only because one is too afraid to face the reality.

Reality is reality, the state of being real according to Dictionary online. So I suppose it is not about dwelling the past or even trying to plan out the future. It is about what is happening, what you're feeling and what you're thinking NOW. ADESSO.

It's a concept that lately, my brain has tried to re-digest. I so idolized the past and frightened of the future that I sometimes didn't feel my presence in the very moment.

Therefore, hoping to drag myself out from my comfort zone where only the past and future exist, I am writing this piece. I am always better in written words to elaborate what really is occuring in my mind. In fact, I am always fascinated by how words can describe something so usual to sound so beautiful and intriguing. Thats the power of words. And, thats why I choose this medium, hoping to conclude my mind in the most simple but yet beautiful kind of way.

Now, how do you write "lost in my maze of thoughts" in a more beautiful way?! Well, I suppose maze is proper since I really cannot seem to find the way out once I am in. Advices on how to deal with it, like millions of way out are offered..

"Just go with it, enjoy what you have", "Seek for an alternative and make yourself merry" or even "Get over it!"

But yet, I am still here trying to locate where I am.

As a person who's been in and out of love quite too often, you'd think that i'd know what to do... i'd master this. Honestly, that's what I thought. I was over confident and thinking that I'd know. I had the maps of romance that I wrote myself with tips and tricks from the very own experiences.

But of course, the universe gives the route that I am unfamiliar with. It is all strange looking of environment... It is so distant but feels so close. It is so captivating but yet it is intoxicating. It is so cruel but it just is alluring. It is so real but yet feels so delirious.

That's the kind of romance I am in now.

He is the strange looking maze that the universe delivered to me and yet, I volunteered myself to jump in. And months later, I am still here holding my-unused-past-romance-experiences-map trying to comprehend or at least, unravel way to comfortably walk in it. If that even possible.

The question is no longer about how to exit, but more about, "Should I leave? or should I stay?"

You know, this is the very time when I just wish that my future or past can swallow me. The state of being real, or so called reality, is just too bewildering.

If I were a year younger, I would be singing through the maze. But, at this age, I am exhausted but yet frightened.

Frankly, I am afraid that I already have had the answer for all these times. I am afraid that the only thing that can take me away is the map that has always been in my hand.

The map was not inapplicable to begin with, in fact, it is probably so applicable and precise for this very story.

But certainly, deep inside I am frightened that the map will only show me way that I am too familiar with. A way, no-other-than a way out.