To the dearest woman I love...

Wind Beneath My Wings

It must have been cold there in my shadow,To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, thats your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings

Ma,
How are you today? How’s work going for you? I am here doing fine, just a little bit tired of wearing jackets everywhere. Haha. It is quite cold here, oh God, I can not wait for summer to come. School goes pretty good too, trying to keep myself busy as always.
By the way, I was listening to Bette Midler song called Wind Beneath My Wings today, and a thought of you came across my mind so I decided to write you this letter.
Ma,
Do you remember when you always remind me that I can achieve my dreams even the most impossible ones? Well, look at me now ma, I am here in the place where once, was impossible for me to even dream about it. Foolish enough for me if I said that, I could get here by myself. Because in fact, I would not even dare to dream if it was not you told me that, it was okey to dream.
Ma,
I miss you, I really do, but I can not tell you; even over the phone. I am afraid if it will upset you.
Ma,
I know that I have to be strong here, just like what you have always taught me and Rivan. I might never tell you that you are my greatest teacher and that I have learned about life from you. I have learned to smile when I cry. I have learned to dream when I fail. I have learned to not to giving up when I fall. I have learned to share. I have learned to love and trust people. I have learned to always remember even in the most painful situation, God will always be there for us as long as I have faith in Him. I have learned that I will always have my family anytime I need them. And most of all, I have learned my greatest lesson that I can always count on you. You are my everything.
Ma,
I know that I still have a long way to go and I really hope that God will be kind enough to let you always be with me. I am scared if I would not have enough time to make you proud.
Ma,
I pray to God that you will be there when I finally achieve the dreams that, you believed, I could make it happen. Well that might take longer time before it come true, so I guess the best thing I do now is to try my best to never let you down. Because hurting you means hurting me too. You have given your family everything you have. Your times, works, tears, hearts and anyting that I can not even think of, all are dedicated for us. You always make sure that we get what we want. Sometimes I wonder, where did you get all of those strengths and patients?
Ma,
I might have many people whom I admire but truly, there is only one who will always have the highest place in my heart, and it is you. You are my idol whom I will always admire. An idol whom I owe my life to. An idol who has made me to be who I am right now.
You are my Wind Beneath My Wings.

I love you Ma.

Cry baby cry

Today was not really my fav day... a little heart broken which in some way save me from deeper trouble... I do not know how i feel... all I know is just I am dissapointed because it did not turn out to be like what i wanted... but the next question is, what did i even want?

I know I want him but yet I do not want him...

Have you ever been in the situation like, you know how something going to end up in the end, but you just decided to get into it anyway? Well, that was how I felt about him...

I knew that it was just impossible... no other reason but my pride and my concern about what other people think of him and I.... I am not trying to be superficial by judging people by their looks or anything (because I know I am soo away from perfect), and there is nothing wrong with him, however it is just I can never picture myself with him....

And now, when things did not work out like how I thought it would be, I am disliking it... disliking the fact that I did not have him like I thought I did... I was too confident to think that I got him in palm of my hands...

Well now the reality hit me!

Yes, I am upset about that....

But looking it from the bright side: I do not have to stuck in the same situation like how I did before...

Oh and... this evening, I just listened to the radio, and one of the radio caller told a story about her and her boyfriend who had been apart for couple years (she even got married and divorced!), getting together again...

I guess thats what I call... If it meant to be... love will always come back to you...

You know whats funny about it?! I used to be confident who am I going to end up with... a friend of mine... who was good enough to have me in palm of his hand... I fell for him the first time I saw him... been couple years, but I always know that he will always have a place in my heart.

Now?! what have happened to me in the last couple years, make me doubt about what I believed in... its like I got someone else in the picture... someone who has made me realize that I deserve to be loved... someone who could nake me feel that the world is mine... (I miss him btw)...

So yea when I listened to the lady on the radio, I was like: I do not even know who will I come back to in the future....

I think it is a good thing since it means... I manage myself to take a step away from the past... but on the other hand... I feel like I lost something... something that had kept me through everytime I went through million broken hearts... something that made me believe that I will be with somebody...

Oh yes, I definitely understand how funny Life is... You can never satisfy with what you have...

I just hope that GOD will always take my hand and guide me along my destiny...

And until that special one come along, I will always believe that God knows whats best for me just like what He has proven me...

Keep repeating the same old song...

The littlest thing

Sometimes I find myself sitting back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissing
And I remember when you started calling me your Mrs
Dreams, dreams of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, it seems that I can’t shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but it’s so true
I know it’s not right but it seems unfair
That thing’s are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come onTell meIs this the end?
The first time that you introduced me to your friends
And you could that tell I was nervous,
so you held my hand
There’s no-one in the world who could replace you


A little brief summary from Lily Allen song... kinda remind me about everything that him and i had... (its literally true!)
It's funny how lately i can smile again... and even tempted to fall with somebody else... i was happy, realizing that i finally can move on... until this minute, i find myself sitting here and writing this blog... i just hope i just over dramatize things ( somethings that i tend to do with my own feeling...)
I was planning to write something empowering to the ladies for my very first blog... but i guess, I can not always be so strong... and my weakness is... I can not lie when I am writting... Because for me, since i am not good at confronting... writting is my only way to speak my truth feelings...

I had a little conversation with a guy friend of mine, of how i realized that i tend to repeat my same mistakes over and over again.... i understand that i need to learn from my mistakes... but guess what happen? Ooops... I did it again! I fall in when I told myself I should not!

Now i know why my friends told me that I would never escape from 'guys'. I thought it was only because most of my friends are guys... but I guess... its true that my world always tempts to include guys in the story... yea i know right?! Crazzzyyy!! and to make the story even more fascinating... literally, there's always at least a guy who being tangled up in my story... (its like they are everywhere!)

And the story basically goes the same... flirtatious which result in the confusion of my own feeling....Which also in the end, going to break my heart...

Dont get me wrong... I like guys... but with me, at least for this moment, I am not into 'lets having a relationship' kinda thing... I am more in 'Yes, i like your attention, but we shall see if I really really wanna be with you' relationship...

Well, I just wanna protect my heart... nothing else but protecting my heart...