Pack and Leave

Sepertinya itu yang sudah menjadi pattern yang harus aku jalani. Pack and Leave. You pack all your belongings and leave to a new place. Yup, it sounds easy (and I am trying all my best to make it as easy as it could be...). But trust me, and I am sure you know, that it could be the harderst and the most painful thing to do.

I remember, it all started five years ago when I had to leave my last year of high school, for America. That was the turning point in my life, the point where uncertainty became a familiar word. My decision to leave was all full of excitement.. It was like a dream of every teenagers, life without parents, in a new place and full of adventures. I felt like, I got my life all planned out nicely. Plus, I couldnt be more happier when he, the man of my dream, said that he would be with me anywhere I went. I got nothing to worry about. I got everything that I wanted, my dream and the man of my dream.

All excitement went through my mind when I packed. But I wouldnt deny that the last couple weeks before I left, were like a dream. I would be there at home and packing, while my mind was already somewhere else. There was also a mix of happiness and sadness. I recall, I couldnt even comprehend what I felt.

But not taking that great opportunity, was never in my options. I managed, with bloody tears, leaving my famiy, friends and him for the very first time. Everyday in the first couple months, I escaped from 'homesickness' by planning my life around him. My dream was beautiful, he and I would go to university somewhere abroad together and we would share our life in an apartment in a city. This little thing in my mind, had kept me sane.

My first time abroad was exciting. Cliche, but meeting new people and experiencing new cultures have always been my passions. But 'that year' was also the first time that reality (fuckin'-excuse my language) hit me. I learned it in a hard way (well at least for 17 years old girl who's madly in love) that as much as you want to plan your life, SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT AS HOW YOU PLANNED IT. My ultimate dream to go to school abroad with the man of my dream and share our life in an apartment in a city, went down the hill.

And here I am now, five years later, in America, again. And I have to pack and leave soon from this apartment that I had called home for 2 semesters. The reason is almost similar, to pursue my dream. But this time, this dream does not include going to school abroad and living in an apartment together in a city, WELL at least not with the same guy 5 years ago. Hahaha.

Anyway, couple more days left and I am going to leave this uni years behind. For 3,5 years, I have been going to classes, meeting new people and going abroad. The latter part was my fav! I have learned alot about myself and ofcourse the degree that I am pursuing, i guess. But definitely, myself!

Some people ask me how I feel... truthfully, I am not sure. I am happy that I am finally able to graduate (even early!), I am sad because I am going to leave people who pretty much have become part of my life for the last couple years. I am nervous to see what's next for me. But most of all, I am aggravated because I dont fucking know how to react for all these feelings!

But I guess, one thing I know for sure now that, I am repeating my life pattern that I started five years ago: To pack and leave.

My Stranger

This smile
This dance
I do everytime I think of you
We met
Then you were gone
I shed tears
You returned
Hope you to stay
And this heart will be yours

Reunion

Questioning me?

Today, I got to think about how people perceive me and it was truly the first time since long time.

It first happened in the morning when I chatted with a friend of mine. I, actually, was shocked when she mentioned how our friend was questioning the Islam in me. According to her, she asks, "Does she really pray when she sholat? Because she's rather fast in doing it..."

I could not believe that a friend of mine could really say that. It did hurt me to have a friend who questions my belief or how I am in my belief. I really did not know how to react on that. All I could say was, "My prayer is only between God and I"

And I truly meant that.

I do not see the point of defending myself, because:
first, I know I am not perfect in many way and I truly realize that and most importantly, I am hoping and trying a better person in everyway including to be a better Moslem.
second, what do or what would she know about how I am with God? I really do not think that either slow or fast in praying matters... what matters the most is, how you really feel and mean your prayer. And only you, who truly know the answer.

Second event occured this afternoon. Saw a friend of mine from school and he happened to be a Moslem. Long story short, He's fasting and I was not. I understand that I would not have any good reason for not fasting, so I will not even try to defend myself.

However it was not it... I just could not understand how could a Moslem, like him, who has been drinking alcohol and done other the prohibited things, jokingly, said that I was a kafir?!

Such a hyprocrite.

Well, I suppose you are not able to stop people from thinking what they thinking or saying what they say. However, my question... should I care about what they think about me?

And if you think, I should... when is enough is enough? when do you have to stop to listen to what people say or do you just keep continuing care and act upon how people think you are? when will you able to be yourself?

It is a tough question and unfortunately I have learned it in a hard way. Newsflash, I can never satisfay everyone. NEVER. I am just a human and you're damn right I am not perfect.

I guess those people will just have to deal with it... and,

after all... isn't me and my family who truly knows about who and how I really am?

A stranger to my eyes but a dear to my heart

He, whom I just met even though we live not too far- not too far,
He, whom I have known for only couple days
He, who has made me dream of him in the future,
He, who has had EVERYTHING I want in a man...
Now is leaving...
Leaving me with these tears which I dont even recognize.
This is odd to me... this is unbeliavable...
I ask...
What is it that become your plan, my LORD?
Is this another lesson to learned? or
Is the joke on me?
I know that he is a stranger to me...
but please tell me, why are these tears running through my cheeks?
why is the rain pouring while he's leaving the town?
I do not know him too well, but I feel like I am losing someone I have known for years...
I feel like I am losing someone special.