A little thought amid the business of working

I cant believe it happened again... I am here, writing about things that I should have stopped writing about a week ago. That, according to the rule: "It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them"

Apparently it is not always true. I have not gotten over it or him yet... it is even longer than the amount of our dating period. Our relationship is between, "it was something and somewhere inside, I am still hoping that it would turn out to be something..."

And ofcourse, he is unaware of this fact... the particular fact that elaborates how I truly feel and what I want from him. This I-dont-miss-you gal has sent I-havent-thought-of-you-emails and I-am-too-busy kind of online chats.

Until last night, somehow I had failed to escape from the thoughts of him. I couldnt sleep.

So, I told myself that it was okey to send him a I-miss-you kind of e-mail. To my surprise, I did it.

I went even further, today, I initiated our online conversation. Having all ready to sneak a little I miss you kind of messages during our conversation, I called his name and at the same time told this little heart "Its okey, go ahead... let go"

Conversation went smoothly, he is always kind and says the right thing. Honestly, that makes me wonder if I could trust every single words he has said.

I know he is a nice person. period. to everyone else too. period. So being unkind, I dont think, would be his style.

I should stop questioning. I am learning to have some trust in him and to other people. I should stop questioning people's motives.

But the thing is, everytime I let myself go and trust people... there is always someone manages to bring me back to my skepticism... I remember once-a-mate-of-mine says to me, "Maybe your expectation on me is too high" when I asked her why she was being damn selfish.

People are people.

Oh what the hell!!!! I can never know the truth, as much as I wanted to. Surely I've got tons of questions about "him and I" now or even "him and I" before...

But just like any other affairs I have had in the past, those questions would only make us go silent and ofcourse, make me go crazy.

But unlike me in the past, to him, I am going to stop questioning. At least, I will try...my best. I just hope I dont have a-too-high-expectation on him.