I... Honestly...

I can feel my blood is rushing through my body...
Tears of mine are slipping out of my hands...
There is something inside holding me from breathing...
My mind is wandering to understand...
Feels like deja vu where I am standing now...
Will I ever return?
Will I dissapear?
There are too many things held inside..
Wishing there is no pride...
Leaving seems to be my only escape...
I was flying... flying almost high...
But the earth is holding me back
I question...
I desire...
If only I got all the times in the world...
If only we were born in the different places...
If only the oceans were not too deep
If only I told you of how I really feel...
Could you see us together?

A thing that makes me mortified...

Do I really have problem with commitment?

Or was it only in the end...in the back of my mind, they werent the ones whom I am looking for?

But my question really is... who am I looking for?

I keep saying that I want somebody who'd sacrifice even their life for me... and I keep telling myself that I havent found anyone qualified...

well, as I am writing this... I just realized that, I actually had met the 'unfortunate' people who thought that I was the center of their happiness and worth fighting for...

And as you know now.. I am still complaining about not finding one!

When I told my friends, jokingly, that I have problems with commitment...I was unsure if that really was my problem... 'til this moment when I started to believe that I might have problems with commitment..

well here is the thing... I do wanna have a one serious relationship with somebody who truly loves me... (who doesnt?!)

But is it normal that I keep running away everytime I hear the alarm of commitment sounding?

SHIT!

Seriously... I can go insane!

I, once, watched Oprah show which was discussing about how women usually in love with the bad guys because actually they think that they dont deserve the Good ones...

Well... at first, I thought... bad guys? of course..! they usually look Hotter and who wants a boring life anyway when you certainly can have a very dynamic life

and now...



--to be continued--

EX and THE CITY

Sex and the City is one of my fav tv series... well in fact... it is, a MUST see, to me.

I can relate to each episodes easily, and surely can many women in this world, regardless their nationality.

Like, their episode called, "EX and the City" which is actually quite similar with what I encounter...

When i was younger, I wouldnt think that friends with the ex-es could be a topic to think about... at least not in my mind... well now... everytime I think about the possibility of bumping into my ex-es... i started trembling...

It is not easy as I thought it was...

Life's pretty unpredictable... like when you were still together with whoever you were falling in love with then your ex, you would never thought that someday, when things didnt work out between two of you... even only to think about him, can give you diarrhea...

no kiddin!

then when you started to think that you already make peace to your 'past', let's just say only by phone, apparently you cant guarantee that all those 'diseases' can dissapear when you see him again...face to face.

I wonder, is there anything in this world can make us feel okey when we see our past for the first time after we break up?

well, before we start... i just want to make it clear that... we're only talking about the past whom could literally killing us when we found out that things couldnt work out.

My friend says, "just be friends with your ex-es" well... could you still be friend when you weren't even friends before? and the worst is... how do you start to become friends when you were emotionally attached to him?

what is X + X = friends with an ex -- carrie (sex and the city question)

then when we already solved this equation by becoming friends... would we really we be a friend to our ex-es? i mean, really, friends... who won't have, even the SLIGHTEST jealousy when we see them with their new lover...

Because doesnt friend ask about their friend's lover? can we really be happy for them when they have a new lover?

Another friend of mine copes by running away everytime she bumps into her ex-es...

Understandable...! however, what if someday you were stuck in a dead end and there he was, standing in front of you, where are you going to runaway to?

the answer is: You cant always runaway... the ghost of your past still lives in the freaking same city with you for Godsake!

Well... wont lie that anything relates to my past romance isnt easy to be solved either.. (if i knew how, i would be very content)....

i still have no answer for that question... however,when you know that you will see your ex,

to me, so far,

Looking as fine as you can + being as confident as you can = give you 'Hell! I am over and way better without you' look to your ex-es...

You might still be hurt in the end... but hey, at least, this time with DIGNITY!

The truth...

Well... apparently time flies so freaking fast... that sometimes you just wish you can return to where you were...

ahhh been doing good here... just a bit frustated about school and stuffs... I've got sooo many plans in mind... which honestly, make me mortified... bad eh?!

I thank God that I, last week, received the letter which I had been waiting for...(cant tell you the details... sorry!) let's just say that, it has given me choices... and made me relief...

I dont really worry about my future, but I wont lie that, what others think might affect me... though i keep telling myself that I should not worry... however, DUH! cant be that selfish since I still have family...

Well... apparently God still reminds me how unpredictable life is...

As unpredictable as where my heart has been.... yea... let me tell you... its been flying pretty high which scared me to death!

Whatever it is... and whoever he is... I just dont wanna fall to the same big HOLE again... trust me... it really is dark and scary down there... all I can remember is... I dont have any single good memory about it--- this is the reason why I dont wanna fall tooo deep...

Well I hope my past has taught me and restrained me from falling...

and I hope Alloh will always be with me...

I cant rely on anything or anyone but HIM...