He said, "come...take my hand." I refused to listen, my hands were still. "Come...I'll be gentle. You will be fine with me" he offered his hands. I looked at his eyes... Those grey eyes somehow were telling me that everything's going to be fine.
I could feel his fingers through mine and from that moment on, I knew that he would be my prince.
He saved me from the darkness that I had become. He had made me believe that a happy ending tale might exist. He had me smile everytime I was down. He gave me breeze everytime I lost hope. He had me thinking that he was everything that I had ever seeked for. He made me believe that him and I wasn't just a dream. It was almost real.
Almost.
My Barin breaks my heart. He makes me shade tears over all those pieces that once were sown by him,...
My Prince, my gentleman who once saved me, sucks the last air from me...
He took my ability to believe.
He took my dream away.
He took away my armor for I can no longer defend myself from amorphous and hatred.
The dream fairy had reminded me... "Somehow, someday... it will happen. The darkness is inevitable and Barin is no longer a gentleman."
For once, I refuted her... "No. You missunderstood him. He never promises me anything. But he's a barin...he's a gentleman for he will never break this heart..and look at his eyes, he doesn't fool me. He's the truth. He saved me and will always be my saviour."
But as we're welcoming another winter... One could only realize that it is coming...the familiar coldness and darkness.
Oh, it aches.
The pain just makes you hope that you could just skip every seasons by closing your eyes.
You just pray that this will be the last time you're sitting here and crying...
And there's just sometimes...when,you just wish that he was never there, picking you up and offering you his hands.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Infamous Wedding Fantasy
Wedding, marriage, engagement and even children suddenly sound more familiar than ever...
It's like everyone's doing it.. Starting from my very bestfriend who decided to marry her 4 years-boyfriend, friends from high school who suddenly race to marry each other, mates from the university to even a colleague of mine at the office...as if wedding is the new facebook...everyone, anyone is gotta sign up.
It still surprises me everytime I find that some people at my age thinks that wedding is a 'possible'verb...
They say that you wouldn't know how it feels, until you try it...well, that's what I did...although with every limitation that I have, the furthest thing I could do was imagining myself to fall deeply in love with someone and then getting all excited to walk down the aisle...
For some cases, it works...
But it was not as simple as I thought it would be...imagining to be wed was rather challenging.
In my fantasy, I saw these several dresses from traditional Javanese wedding dress 'dodot' to white gown with little fur on the hair...but somehow, I couldn't see my face on the bride's face... Heck, I even saw that the bride has blonde hair...so I suppose that's not me...
How odd! I imagined someone's else wedding when I was supposed to fantasizing about mine.
Let's try to think about the groom... Some familiar faces appear but everytime I put each face on the-already-imagined-tuxedo, none was matched!
Okey, I am truly aware that wedding isn't JUST about the party... so I started to imagine on the life after the party... I was going home to this house...
In my fantasy, I could see a nice sofa there...but I couldn't find my imaginary 'husband' anywhere...
Perhaps, in my imagination, he was out of town...or even out of the country, helping kids in Uganda...
Okey...it wasn't working...and frankly I am still uneasy with any verb that requires long term and settle.
I am still trying to decide of how I should feel towards my married-mates... Should I be mad that they give up their potential for some fairy tales? Should I be dissapointed because we don't follow the same rules anymore? or Should I be all happy knowing that they finally figure out the-ONE-puzzle?
As a good friend, of course you'd opt for the third option.
Perhaps the question you have now is: do you believe in marriage?
Well, the answer is yes I do. I believe that marriage is the destination for two people who fall in love.
I guess what I am dealing now is... I don't see it yet. I have yet found that one person who will just sweep me off my feet and make me madly in love with him...
Thus, I have yet seen marriage/ wedding/engagement/children as my destination.
But...perhaps someday, I will.
And when that moment comes, I want you to be the witness...
It's like everyone's doing it.. Starting from my very bestfriend who decided to marry her 4 years-boyfriend, friends from high school who suddenly race to marry each other, mates from the university to even a colleague of mine at the office...as if wedding is the new facebook...everyone, anyone is gotta sign up.
It still surprises me everytime I find that some people at my age thinks that wedding is a 'possible'verb...
They say that you wouldn't know how it feels, until you try it...well, that's what I did...although with every limitation that I have, the furthest thing I could do was imagining myself to fall deeply in love with someone and then getting all excited to walk down the aisle...
For some cases, it works...
But it was not as simple as I thought it would be...imagining to be wed was rather challenging.
In my fantasy, I saw these several dresses from traditional Javanese wedding dress 'dodot' to white gown with little fur on the hair...but somehow, I couldn't see my face on the bride's face... Heck, I even saw that the bride has blonde hair...so I suppose that's not me...
How odd! I imagined someone's else wedding when I was supposed to fantasizing about mine.
Let's try to think about the groom... Some familiar faces appear but everytime I put each face on the-already-imagined-tuxedo, none was matched!
Okey, I am truly aware that wedding isn't JUST about the party... so I started to imagine on the life after the party... I was going home to this house...
In my fantasy, I could see a nice sofa there...but I couldn't find my imaginary 'husband' anywhere...
Perhaps, in my imagination, he was out of town...or even out of the country, helping kids in Uganda...
Okey...it wasn't working...and frankly I am still uneasy with any verb that requires long term and settle.
I am still trying to decide of how I should feel towards my married-mates... Should I be mad that they give up their potential for some fairy tales? Should I be dissapointed because we don't follow the same rules anymore? or Should I be all happy knowing that they finally figure out the-ONE-puzzle?
As a good friend, of course you'd opt for the third option.
Perhaps the question you have now is: do you believe in marriage?
Well, the answer is yes I do. I believe that marriage is the destination for two people who fall in love.
I guess what I am dealing now is... I don't see it yet. I have yet found that one person who will just sweep me off my feet and make me madly in love with him...
Thus, I have yet seen marriage/ wedding/engagement/children as my destination.
But...perhaps someday, I will.
And when that moment comes, I want you to be the witness...
Friday, November 12, 2010
To you, the kind people
I was trying to digest every scenes, emotions, motions and everything. Honestly, I emotionally came unprepared. Every minutes on the way there, my mind was struggling to get my soul back... It has been travelling a lot lately.
"We cook the foods every forth weeks." explained the lady who was helping with the kitchen.
My emotion suddenly dragged me back to Washington DC...on the exact moment when I was applying to volunteer feeding the homeless...
The scene of me talking to the kitchen supervisor while surrounded by white bearded men, surfaced.
"You might get night shift from 9 to midnite" said the supervisor to me. I contemplated and promised to let her know my decision.
But the imagery of me walking alone every night among the homeless people frightened me. I bailed out...instead, I decided to sleep comfortably in my apartment watching some stupid shows.
"I've been doing this for four years." said a young woman with same age as me. I felt like a thunder just stroke me.
"Four years?" I disbelieved. This young woman who came from Padang would spend her every forth week to take a busway, walk in a dodgy alley, feed the homeless and even befriend with them.
She put me into a shame cave. I could barely see her eyes when she talked enthusiastically about her friends, the homeless people.
20 minutes of walking and our small group arrived at this site where at least 10 homeless were sleeping at. The sound of construction works was banging somberly in the background.
Mix emotions were just rushing in when I saw some of them willingly awaken from their sleeps only for food...
But deeply I know my head was trying to block any kind of emotions... Everything has to be logical and has solutions...
It worked. Instead of pity, I was enraged to the government who has done nothing but jailing the homeless and was mad at the old homeless man when he told me that he refuses to return home because he likes to wander around and even more, I started to despise anyone that's doing a charity...only for a show.
It was obvious, to me, rage was the closest emotion to get to the logic and sober mind...
"Do you want to join us teaching the kids every Sunday?" the question brought me back to reality. One of the group member asked. I looked at his eyes and it just broke my heart. His smile was sincere.
"I am interested in it and definitely will think about it" I replied and I meant it.
He smiled, again.
"I am 24 years old but I have never thought that I would be a taxi driver." The scene of a taxi driver who told me his life story the night before, rushed in..
"But that's life..." he continued with smile and no dissapointment tone.
He too was kind, or close to naïve.
I learned last night that... the homeless did not break into my stubborn heart..but those people who are sincerely kind in not only helping the less fortunate but also looking at the world in a forgiving way did.
You and I owe it to them...because of them, we are still fortunate too see that kind and sincere people do exist...
...And they certainly make the world a better place, even for the bitter one.
"We cook the foods every forth weeks." explained the lady who was helping with the kitchen.
My emotion suddenly dragged me back to Washington DC...on the exact moment when I was applying to volunteer feeding the homeless...
The scene of me talking to the kitchen supervisor while surrounded by white bearded men, surfaced.
"You might get night shift from 9 to midnite" said the supervisor to me. I contemplated and promised to let her know my decision.
But the imagery of me walking alone every night among the homeless people frightened me. I bailed out...instead, I decided to sleep comfortably in my apartment watching some stupid shows.
"I've been doing this for four years." said a young woman with same age as me. I felt like a thunder just stroke me.
"Four years?" I disbelieved. This young woman who came from Padang would spend her every forth week to take a busway, walk in a dodgy alley, feed the homeless and even befriend with them.
She put me into a shame cave. I could barely see her eyes when she talked enthusiastically about her friends, the homeless people.
20 minutes of walking and our small group arrived at this site where at least 10 homeless were sleeping at. The sound of construction works was banging somberly in the background.
Mix emotions were just rushing in when I saw some of them willingly awaken from their sleeps only for food...
But deeply I know my head was trying to block any kind of emotions... Everything has to be logical and has solutions...
It worked. Instead of pity, I was enraged to the government who has done nothing but jailing the homeless and was mad at the old homeless man when he told me that he refuses to return home because he likes to wander around and even more, I started to despise anyone that's doing a charity...only for a show.
It was obvious, to me, rage was the closest emotion to get to the logic and sober mind...
"Do you want to join us teaching the kids every Sunday?" the question brought me back to reality. One of the group member asked. I looked at his eyes and it just broke my heart. His smile was sincere.
"I am interested in it and definitely will think about it" I replied and I meant it.
He smiled, again.
"I am 24 years old but I have never thought that I would be a taxi driver." The scene of a taxi driver who told me his life story the night before, rushed in..
"But that's life..." he continued with smile and no dissapointment tone.
He too was kind, or close to naïve.
I learned last night that... the homeless did not break into my stubborn heart..but those people who are sincerely kind in not only helping the less fortunate but also looking at the world in a forgiving way did.
You and I owe it to them...because of them, we are still fortunate too see that kind and sincere people do exist...
...And they certainly make the world a better place, even for the bitter one.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
It was there, four years ago
I paced back and forth, looking at my watch. Time's ticking happily. Ping! A sms was coming in. "Care to night outing?" read the sms. I had been going out almost every night. Bar hopping was a familiar word. I put my mobile phone down on the table. Mariah Carey's My All playing in the background. My tears were warm on my cheeks.
"Should I postpone my flight?" or even better,
"I might just go to uni tomorrow and ask if I could extend my stay for another semester"
But another thought rushed in,
"Okey, be logic here! Just go home and if its meant to be, it is meant to be"
The latter I decided to do. I departed from Melbourne on November 12, 2006.
It was a wise decision, I suppose. Although the question of, what would've or could've happened if I stayed longer? sometimes still occurs in my mind.
He and I still converse, though not often. But it's amazing that we're still in touch, despite the fact that we have yet seen or known when we'd see each other again.
He's important to me and my life. He was my deal breaker. I owe him for making me feel that I was attractive enough and that I was worth it. Because of him, I knew how it felt to be treated like a Lady. He's a gentleman.
He was my 'turnover and life changing experience'.
He was my rainbow that shining through my doubt.
He was my breeze of hopes when I thought I was nothing.
He, a humble and true hero of my personal life, is Justin.
Days before I departed from Australia were uneasy. We only met a month prior... but it took him a week before finally asking me out.
He's a rare individual... a little odd compared to guys at his age. He'd limit his interaction with people because he's worried if he thinks too much. Strange, but I understood him.
"On the brighter side, you wont get too frustrated with me for too long" he once wrote to me.
He was fully aware that I'd leave soon. We both were just trying to make the most of everything.
A friend of mine took a photo of us candidly and the words that photo speaks thousands words just applies. We both were infatuated.
It is how it is now... I am here and he's an ocean apart. We both are working for our future.
I wish for time to cross our path sometimes in the future.... 'till then, I'd like to wish him a very merry life.... because I care about him and because he, more than anything else, deserves it.
"A smile and good life for you Justin!"
P.s:
Oh, have I mentioned that we both have the same birthday?
"Should I postpone my flight?" or even better,
"I might just go to uni tomorrow and ask if I could extend my stay for another semester"
But another thought rushed in,
"Okey, be logic here! Just go home and if its meant to be, it is meant to be"
The latter I decided to do. I departed from Melbourne on November 12, 2006.
It was a wise decision, I suppose. Although the question of, what would've or could've happened if I stayed longer? sometimes still occurs in my mind.
He and I still converse, though not often. But it's amazing that we're still in touch, despite the fact that we have yet seen or known when we'd see each other again.
He's important to me and my life. He was my deal breaker. I owe him for making me feel that I was attractive enough and that I was worth it. Because of him, I knew how it felt to be treated like a Lady. He's a gentleman.
He was my 'turnover and life changing experience'.
He was my rainbow that shining through my doubt.
He was my breeze of hopes when I thought I was nothing.
He, a humble and true hero of my personal life, is Justin.
Days before I departed from Australia were uneasy. We only met a month prior... but it took him a week before finally asking me out.
He's a rare individual... a little odd compared to guys at his age. He'd limit his interaction with people because he's worried if he thinks too much. Strange, but I understood him.
"On the brighter side, you wont get too frustrated with me for too long" he once wrote to me.
He was fully aware that I'd leave soon. We both were just trying to make the most of everything.
A friend of mine took a photo of us candidly and the words that photo speaks thousands words just applies. We both were infatuated.
It is how it is now... I am here and he's an ocean apart. We both are working for our future.
I wish for time to cross our path sometimes in the future.... 'till then, I'd like to wish him a very merry life.... because I care about him and because he, more than anything else, deserves it.
"A smile and good life for you Justin!"
P.s:
Oh, have I mentioned that we both have the same birthday?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Day 1: starting on romance rehab
The story would have been full of joy... I would have repeated the story in a big full smile painted in my face... The sparkles on my eyes should have spoken every beats in my heart.
But that is not the case. Instead, you may find me pacing back and forth, listening to all mourning lullaby and even more pondering about this... A particular tale of him and I.
Our virtual reconnection went good. Terribly went smooth and well in fact. After months and months we've written to each other and befriended with social media, we finally had the courage to 'see' each other again. It was unexpectedly like how it used to be...
Him being himself and me being myself.. Time and distance have only made us understanding each other even more...
It almost felt like, I have never left.
Stories, laughs were shared... For a moment, I felt that perhaps, him and I was a foreseeable tale.
With a rather challenging track record of relationship, a slight victorious feeling almost sneaked in when I realized that months and months apart...we are still in touch and involved in what we call, long distance lovers.
But of course, distance is distance...and time is time...
I'm here and he's there.
Based in this rather painful and challenging fact that I decided to refuse being merry for our continuous relationship and that perhaps, I should take a break from romance.
For at least 14 days.
Yes, just name them... I'm insane, paranoid, worried-much, etc, etc... Well, ladies and gents, those accusations pretty much suit me.
Should I be honest, I'm frightened of the possibility of another broken heart.
Hence, the romance rehab that I decided to enter starting from today.
Inspired by "Love Cleanse" promoted by this twitter user "TheDailyLove", I decided to stop: obssessing about romance, flirting, talking about any guy that I have crush on, (hate to admit) stalking anyone's social media, etc, etc...
Instead what I should be doing is: focusing on my fabolous self!
Bravo! Should've figured that out awhile ago! Haha
So, that's what I'm doing now...
Day 1 is definitely a challenge as there has been urge to mention my crush's name in every freaking conversations I have...
But, someone has to start from somewhere... That somewhere includes replacing songs that have been in my playlist for months with new songs, deleting photos in blackberry and even brushing up on my Italian (I need to keep my mind preoccupied with other things)
I'll reinvent about things to think or do tomorrow.. This kinda time requires lots of creativity!
Ah, can't wait for the next 13 days!
Seems like I'll be blogging a lot.. Please do bear with me.
*Bismillah
But that is not the case. Instead, you may find me pacing back and forth, listening to all mourning lullaby and even more pondering about this... A particular tale of him and I.
Our virtual reconnection went good. Terribly went smooth and well in fact. After months and months we've written to each other and befriended with social media, we finally had the courage to 'see' each other again. It was unexpectedly like how it used to be...
Him being himself and me being myself.. Time and distance have only made us understanding each other even more...
It almost felt like, I have never left.
Stories, laughs were shared... For a moment, I felt that perhaps, him and I was a foreseeable tale.
With a rather challenging track record of relationship, a slight victorious feeling almost sneaked in when I realized that months and months apart...we are still in touch and involved in what we call, long distance lovers.
But of course, distance is distance...and time is time...
I'm here and he's there.
Based in this rather painful and challenging fact that I decided to refuse being merry for our continuous relationship and that perhaps, I should take a break from romance.
For at least 14 days.
Yes, just name them... I'm insane, paranoid, worried-much, etc, etc... Well, ladies and gents, those accusations pretty much suit me.
Should I be honest, I'm frightened of the possibility of another broken heart.
Hence, the romance rehab that I decided to enter starting from today.
Inspired by "Love Cleanse" promoted by this twitter user "TheDailyLove", I decided to stop: obssessing about romance, flirting, talking about any guy that I have crush on, (hate to admit) stalking anyone's social media, etc, etc...
Instead what I should be doing is: focusing on my fabolous self!
Bravo! Should've figured that out awhile ago! Haha
So, that's what I'm doing now...
Day 1 is definitely a challenge as there has been urge to mention my crush's name in every freaking conversations I have...
But, someone has to start from somewhere... That somewhere includes replacing songs that have been in my playlist for months with new songs, deleting photos in blackberry and even brushing up on my Italian (I need to keep my mind preoccupied with other things)
I'll reinvent about things to think or do tomorrow.. This kinda time requires lots of creativity!
Ah, can't wait for the next 13 days!
Seems like I'll be blogging a lot.. Please do bear with me.
*Bismillah
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Nothing but the truth...
The view is captivating... the city lights, blue and gold are beautifully aligned with the crescent moon and this one bright star. The rush of cars contrasting to the the quiet wind blows seem to be amicable towards each other. Tonight is just beautiful.
I want to capture this view, forever. I want to show it to you and say, "Sayangku, you know... the distant city lights and the high crescent moon remind me of you."
But like any other beautiful things in life you can never keep, I am certainly aware that even the best camera would never be able to capture this scene and this exact feeling. I just wish that my brain has enough capacity to capture this view and lock it somewhere and never to dissapear.
It has been awhile, I might say, that I allow my mind wanders. I have drowned myself into the excitement of clock tickings and rush of the needs to keep walking...
I thought and thought... I talked and talked... I walked and walked...emotionlessly.
Until you came around again and thats when I was shaken by the possibility that I might have buried my mind from thinking of you.
The wind is blowing harder when I am writing, I suppose it seems to agree.
We were never through, I must acknowledge. I was unfair to you and to us. I was too frightened with the possibility of picking up pieces of my heart.
I know that you'd laugh at my fear and say, "Silly, who said that I have forgotten you?!"
Even when I am writing this, little part of me is dissaproving. "What are you doing this for? You're so weak!"
Apparently I am and I loath this state that I am in now.
I honestly want to be one of those free souls who can just love and hurt and love again with no fear.
But I am far from that. I plan to leave before I can let myself falling someone. I plant all those sad and tragic ending stories in my head before I can let someone in.
I am damned scared to be true to myself.
And this little soul of mine is whispering, "That's it... You're good. You can stop now."
Thats what I will do, to stop and somehow hoping for that someday you'll stumble on this blog and realize that whatever the masks that I've put on, I put because I fear of losing you.
I want to capture this view, forever. I want to show it to you and say, "Sayangku, you know... the distant city lights and the high crescent moon remind me of you."
But like any other beautiful things in life you can never keep, I am certainly aware that even the best camera would never be able to capture this scene and this exact feeling. I just wish that my brain has enough capacity to capture this view and lock it somewhere and never to dissapear.
It has been awhile, I might say, that I allow my mind wanders. I have drowned myself into the excitement of clock tickings and rush of the needs to keep walking...
I thought and thought... I talked and talked... I walked and walked...emotionlessly.
Until you came around again and thats when I was shaken by the possibility that I might have buried my mind from thinking of you.
The wind is blowing harder when I am writing, I suppose it seems to agree.
We were never through, I must acknowledge. I was unfair to you and to us. I was too frightened with the possibility of picking up pieces of my heart.
I know that you'd laugh at my fear and say, "Silly, who said that I have forgotten you?!"
Even when I am writing this, little part of me is dissaproving. "What are you doing this for? You're so weak!"
Apparently I am and I loath this state that I am in now.
I honestly want to be one of those free souls who can just love and hurt and love again with no fear.
But I am far from that. I plan to leave before I can let myself falling someone. I plant all those sad and tragic ending stories in my head before I can let someone in.
I am damned scared to be true to myself.
And this little soul of mine is whispering, "That's it... You're good. You can stop now."
Thats what I will do, to stop and somehow hoping for that someday you'll stumble on this blog and realize that whatever the masks that I've put on, I put because I fear of losing you.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A letter to you
Dear you a lover of mine,
I still feel the rush but for my emotion sake, I close my eyes and remind myself of any other image where it is safe from you, all fond memories and plans that we build.
People ought to follow their paths, I believe. And once upon a time, the universe crossed your path with mine.
Everything was easy, unlike any other things I knew.
Everything was possible, unlike any other things I believed in.
My bitterness met your I-wont-let-you-down attitude.
My heartache swept away by your maybe-I-really-do-like-you demeanor.
For sometimes I thought this could be whole different story. But just like any other ending I am familiar with, time drags us to different places and crosses our path with someone else.
It is a leap that I decide to take for a very selfish reason, I am too frigthened to patching up my bruised heart and to seeking for amicable words if I ever see you again.
These tears are clouding my eyes. They were held for a while, when I was acting all strong of substracting you from my life. Honestly, I dont have that power.
My breath feels heavy, obviously you had some kind of medicine to make my heart race faster.
I am sunk in this bitter melodies, in hope that I can swim through this sorrow. Sadness shouldnt be dragged too long, I learn.
You said to me, "You can say goodbye now and tomorrow and the next day"
I frequently change my mind and you are aware of that. But this time, I just hope that you would forgive me for this one-sided of farewell. I know you would never fond of this.
This is the goodbye that should have come out from my lips months ago. This is the goodbye that should have been part of us for awhile.
Secretly I wish for the tide to turn and the universe would redraw stories of you and I. But it's impossible to let myself be addicted to you for any longer. I pity my heart.
I'd like you to be happy and I'd like myself to be merry to see you happy.
Thank you for the time, laughter and hopes.
I will miss you dearly.
Sincerely yours,
Your lover
I still feel the rush but for my emotion sake, I close my eyes and remind myself of any other image where it is safe from you, all fond memories and plans that we build.
People ought to follow their paths, I believe. And once upon a time, the universe crossed your path with mine.
Everything was easy, unlike any other things I knew.
Everything was possible, unlike any other things I believed in.
My bitterness met your I-wont-let-you-down attitude.
My heartache swept away by your maybe-I-really-do-like-you demeanor.
For sometimes I thought this could be whole different story. But just like any other ending I am familiar with, time drags us to different places and crosses our path with someone else.
It is a leap that I decide to take for a very selfish reason, I am too frigthened to patching up my bruised heart and to seeking for amicable words if I ever see you again.
These tears are clouding my eyes. They were held for a while, when I was acting all strong of substracting you from my life. Honestly, I dont have that power.
My breath feels heavy, obviously you had some kind of medicine to make my heart race faster.
I am sunk in this bitter melodies, in hope that I can swim through this sorrow. Sadness shouldnt be dragged too long, I learn.
You said to me, "You can say goodbye now and tomorrow and the next day"
I frequently change my mind and you are aware of that. But this time, I just hope that you would forgive me for this one-sided of farewell. I know you would never fond of this.
This is the goodbye that should have come out from my lips months ago. This is the goodbye that should have been part of us for awhile.
Secretly I wish for the tide to turn and the universe would redraw stories of you and I. But it's impossible to let myself be addicted to you for any longer. I pity my heart.
I'd like you to be happy and I'd like myself to be merry to see you happy.
Thank you for the time, laughter and hopes.
I will miss you dearly.
Sincerely yours,
Your lover
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)