I guess we will never really move on from our past... although it might have been as painful as hell... but sometimes do i feel... i'd rather live in my past

God!

Ay ya ya.... well things are going better slowly, I thank God for that... and really... I do hope that I can see myself smiling again soon.... I mean... without thinking about anything...something that I miss really.... ahhh I wonder if I could just return to be a kid...

I had a dream about my past this morning... all I could remember is how I loved the hope that he gave me in my dream... It was such a nice feeling to have a dream. He held my hand, and i could see how happy I was. In my dream, we were only friends... but even 4 years ago we werent anything else... I think only him and I know what that really was.

You know whats so funny is... I feel like I have nothing to look forward lately... i feel like I am just living in the day... this is not me... me who always have something up... ahh maybe this is what is supposed to be called, a break!

Yea I damn need a break... from anything!!!

Well another thing is, I get ill easily too lately... maybe from too much thinking... oh well...

God, Sometimes I run away from YOU... but still do I know that You're the only ONE who knows me.... the true me... Please dont let me go... please never let me go.

oh lala

Ahhh what a day!!

Well lately, things been going better... I mean... still drowning in my own thoughts, however, now... its a bit at ease... at least thats what I tell myself... and supposedly it worked...

this evening i was feeling fine... i wasnt bothered with anything but the fact that I received a sms from a friend of mine from OZ, Lettice. She's leaving today.

As funny as it sounds, the moment I read her message, thats when I felt that she left me again... although we already havent seen each other for more than 6 months... but when she left Aussie, I feel that she's leaving me.

Maybe I am still used to the fact that I met her in Oz and that in my mind, Lettice= Oz... Although only a glimpse but I can feel the feeling I felt when I left in Nov 2006.

I hung out today also with my friend and a cousin of mine... it was pretty kewl. Went to Semawis and went to the fortune teller... I was feeling fine about myself and about the prediction that the fortune teller told me last week..

Yea...it wasnt pleasant to know what he saw about me and my pasts... it was rather painful... however, I am trying to see what is really going on here...

Whatever it is... it already happens... cant really do anything...

as much as i wanna change something about it... I understand... that It already happens... and now its time for me to move on

Even the funniest clown sometimes still shades some tears

Oh well... i've been home for about 2 weeks already... yea time flies pretty fast...

I met some friends last nite... and I found out that people do read my blog... honestly it is quite an honor for me, never thought that they would actually spend times to read my 'thoughts'

Apparently for them, my blog quite comes off as desperation... i wasnt sure what i should i say when I heard that...

I dont wanna defend myself... although I really hate if anyone think that I am not strong enough...

I understand that people can intrepret this blog anyway they want... but at the same time, I dont wanna hide any things from my blog...whats the point having a diary if you dont say what you really feel? the different is I just need to tell myself that, this is a public diary... so good news for you...I will keep writing what I really feel or think...

cuz' when i think about it more... there is nothing wrong to show vulnerability... then again...you can not always be strong all the times...and to me, my blog is my media where I can really be honest about my feelings (which apparently seems pretty 'desperate')...something that might still seem taboo for me to be displayed in public.

...even the funniest clown sometimes still shades some tears...

To Whom It may concern....

Well, Hows' life with you?

I know this e-mail for you might be really random and you might think that I must be out of my mind or even rude,

well the truth is this e-mail says what i've been wanting to say to you...but I have not been able to say it because of many reasons...

I think it would be better for us not talking anymore, not even sms... at least not until I am ready, and you're not causing me any pain.

I know it was me who started it all, however, i thought it was a good idea for me to make peace with my past... i thought by bringing you back in my life will help me to deal with my pain and somehow i could move on...

but i was wrong... in fact, if you only knew, it is killing me even more... and I really hate it.

I hate to keep thinking about you, wondering when you're going to sms, or even hoping that things between us would be different....

Because the truth is...you are still you... and I should face the fact that to you, I am not worth a try...and I should tell myself over and over again that you gave me up.

You might be laughing at or even hating me now... but I hope you understand my situation... I am just a girl who likes a guy but realizing that i am nothing for him....so with all the courages left, i am asking him to give me sometimes to over him.

I hope when the time comes for us to meet again... you will see me smilling at you for different reason...we already move on with our life... you with yours and I am with mine....

'Till then... good luck with your life.

Shatter...

Ahh today's my last day at school...but it aint totally over yet cuz' next week, shall i start to work whereelse but at my school...

at least i got couple days off before return to my school...

It's a relaxing day... ate a lot though...but then again... it makes me feel better, so hell with it!

I supposed school work was one of my stressor... cuz' I realize how relax I am at this moment...

I, once again, deleted him from my convo, but to be honest, sometimes, I still hope that miracle would happen...

well apparently, I cant always get what I want huh? What a surprise!

Quite honest, I dont recognize my feelings anymore... I am confused... and that confusion's killing me because it leaves me in blindness...

I miss him, surely do... But the more I think about it, the more I get scared if that was my last time to see him in my life... I, honestly, wont able to afford my feeling if that comes true.

I have to see him again... just to see him. You know, he was and in fact, still is special for me, in the sense that he taught me how it's so great to feel like a woman... woman who deserves better. I love him for everything that he made me feel.

I really dont know where life's going to take me next... I probably will meet somebody else, falling, broken heart, tears... what a cycle of romance eh?!

But I guess things happen for reasons... It really did hurt me... but I believe in destiny...

"I learn about life...in the hard way...show me, love doesnt have to hurt"

I pray to God, to give him and I happiness... whatever the reason, I just dont want him to suffer. And in the future, I hope God would be kind enough to cross our path again, because he is someone whom I cared about.

Smile-Tamia

Well, been awhile for me not updating my blog... I've been pretty busy not being myself... Yea, apparently... just when the exams right on the corner, my mind cant stop running through my memories...which is really killing me.

"Cuz' I am dying inside"

I made a big step in my life last week... After all this months, I re-connected to him. I almost forgot how fun he was to speak to. It was a good talk. It was not easy for me...but I managed to stay calm through our conversation.

"Sometimes i sit at home by the phone hopin he might call me but.. he dont call me"

I was glad that I phoned him, although it still gives me confusion and headache. Yea, it makes me miss him more and more.

Not only that, it feels like unfortunate things cant stop chasing after me.

My brother got accident, and I really do thank Alloh that he's now fine.

And other things which really bug me alot

I can not feel my feet on the ground.

I am yearning to cry. I really do. and I just hope I return home soon, because there, at least I can get the comfort I need.

"Lord knows how its killing me"

I hope You will forgive me...and return to take my hand.. I need You.