To Whom It may concern....

Well, Hows' life with you?

I know this e-mail for you might be really random and you might think that I must be out of my mind or even rude,

well the truth is this e-mail says what i've been wanting to say to you...but I have not been able to say it because of many reasons...

I think it would be better for us not talking anymore, not even sms... at least not until I am ready, and you're not causing me any pain.

I know it was me who started it all, however, i thought it was a good idea for me to make peace with my past... i thought by bringing you back in my life will help me to deal with my pain and somehow i could move on...

but i was wrong... in fact, if you only knew, it is killing me even more... and I really hate it.

I hate to keep thinking about you, wondering when you're going to sms, or even hoping that things between us would be different....

Because the truth is...you are still you... and I should face the fact that to you, I am not worth a try...and I should tell myself over and over again that you gave me up.

You might be laughing at or even hating me now... but I hope you understand my situation... I am just a girl who likes a guy but realizing that i am nothing for him....so with all the courages left, i am asking him to give me sometimes to over him.

I hope when the time comes for us to meet again... you will see me smilling at you for different reason...we already move on with our life... you with yours and I am with mine....

'Till then... good luck with your life.

Shatter...

Ahh today's my last day at school...but it aint totally over yet cuz' next week, shall i start to work whereelse but at my school...

at least i got couple days off before return to my school...

It's a relaxing day... ate a lot though...but then again... it makes me feel better, so hell with it!

I supposed school work was one of my stressor... cuz' I realize how relax I am at this moment...

I, once again, deleted him from my convo, but to be honest, sometimes, I still hope that miracle would happen...

well apparently, I cant always get what I want huh? What a surprise!

Quite honest, I dont recognize my feelings anymore... I am confused... and that confusion's killing me because it leaves me in blindness...

I miss him, surely do... But the more I think about it, the more I get scared if that was my last time to see him in my life... I, honestly, wont able to afford my feeling if that comes true.

I have to see him again... just to see him. You know, he was and in fact, still is special for me, in the sense that he taught me how it's so great to feel like a woman... woman who deserves better. I love him for everything that he made me feel.

I really dont know where life's going to take me next... I probably will meet somebody else, falling, broken heart, tears... what a cycle of romance eh?!

But I guess things happen for reasons... It really did hurt me... but I believe in destiny...

"I learn about life...in the hard way...show me, love doesnt have to hurt"

I pray to God, to give him and I happiness... whatever the reason, I just dont want him to suffer. And in the future, I hope God would be kind enough to cross our path again, because he is someone whom I cared about.

Smile-Tamia

Well, been awhile for me not updating my blog... I've been pretty busy not being myself... Yea, apparently... just when the exams right on the corner, my mind cant stop running through my memories...which is really killing me.

"Cuz' I am dying inside"

I made a big step in my life last week... After all this months, I re-connected to him. I almost forgot how fun he was to speak to. It was a good talk. It was not easy for me...but I managed to stay calm through our conversation.

"Sometimes i sit at home by the phone hopin he might call me but.. he dont call me"

I was glad that I phoned him, although it still gives me confusion and headache. Yea, it makes me miss him more and more.

Not only that, it feels like unfortunate things cant stop chasing after me.

My brother got accident, and I really do thank Alloh that he's now fine.

And other things which really bug me alot

I can not feel my feet on the ground.

I am yearning to cry. I really do. and I just hope I return home soon, because there, at least I can get the comfort I need.

"Lord knows how its killing me"

I hope You will forgive me...and return to take my hand.. I need You.

I dont want to make another mistake...(again!)

The only song which really describes of how I really feel:

Rushing, way too fast,
Why do I always do it?
Thinking this might last,
How could I be so stupid?
But this time,
I'm not OK, no,
I need to breathe again,
'Cause I don't want to

I don't want to make
Another mistake like you
And I don't want to hate
But love doesn't get me through
'Cause I can't be alone again
No I don't want to make
Another mistake like you

Stone cold and hurt inside,
Not what I wanted to be
I don't sleep,
It's kind Of hard when you cry,
Yeah thats where you left me,
But this time,
It's not alright, no,
I need to find someone,
Cause I don't want to
Don't want to be caught in the moment,
that never comes,
is it too much to ask,
that real love will find me,
I won't get stung, I'll find the one...

If only...

So apparently, I really have to recognize that he still haunts me even in my dream...

I was thinking about everything lately esp about my past and stuff...and I asked couple friends about how him and I really were... since I did not have any clue... I was expecting they had answer for that at least from the outsiders perspectives... but apparently, neither of them had any clue...

Then last night. it was kinda strange... I had a dream about his mother.

His mother, in my dream, answered all of my questions. I have not ever spoken to his mother for ages...and I think il suo padre e piu vicino to me than his mother. so anyway, in my dream, first she showed how she disliked me.

I was not happy, therefore, I asked her reason for being rather mean to me...

she then answered that it was because she noticed her son's struggle to replace me... basic line, she wasnt happy because (in her fashion) I hurt her son... (well, thats not how it goes in the reality...)

then (I think) I told her if he doesnt need to replace me because I am here... I am not going anywhere

Well, thats about it... but I think I said what I wanted to say for all this time to him in my dream...

Very pathetic eh?

You know... Im kinda wondering myself if I only created the story of him and I to make myself feel better... bottom line, I question if I was the one who made belief to myself how he used to like me...

Its already been years I am left with no clue... and I supposed he's already moved on with his life... a life which has not me in it...

and still, I fear the truth... truth that might crush big part of me...

Dramatic

Been awhile...

time flies...and its April already... funny, how suddenly I forgot the beauty of breathing... and I can really feel the heartache I have had for so many years... Yea, im not going to blame anyone...
it is me who chose to return to my sweet pain.... it is me who's listening to every songs that remind me of him....

there is only 1 conclusion: I miss him so bad...

and just like any other stories which hasnt ended... I am here left with no answer about what we are or even we were before...

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu... tinggalkan cerita tentang kita
akan tiada lagi kini tawamu untuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati
Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia.... dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
....tentang masa yang indah... saat kita berduka...saat kita tertawa...

you know... I always think that I have moved on because its been couple years... but its just hurtful to always remember about him... because I know that he has moved on....

Unfortunately this past couple days everysingle things have reminded me of him... as much as I dislike him... I still do have a strong feeling from him...

today was even worse... after long time, I watched AADC... what a way to forget him eh?!

It was really funny though, cuz' as soon as I heard the opening song from the movie.... I only could see him in my memory... I guess I still do miss him...

or maybe I just miss home... and he will always remind me of home and all the goodness...

sometimes I feel like I've lived here forever that I just simply live my life here... and live my days...

I miss home... I miss my home.

the more I think about it...the more I disbelieve what or where I am...

I dont even know what Im writting now... since my eyes are covered with tears...

-CINTA PERTAMA- well this is how my heart really is...
setiap manusia punya ruang kosong di hatinya, ketika seseorang datang, dan berfikir dia mengisi ruang kosong itu, sebenarnya mereka hanya berdiri di pintu dan menyamarkan ruang itu. Ruang kosong itu akan selalu ada dan tidak akan benar-benar berisi.




Ill be waiting all my life....

oh God, not again!

Well, same old story keep repeating itself this week... unpleasant, but apparently that is just something that I am meant to face (one more time)...

I learnt from the past that sometimes something is just not worth be fought over...

and although as mad as I am right now... I really dont think I should give up things and pride for fighting for uncertain thing which I am not even sure if its worth it....

I am hurt...well thats for sure...and lets see... its probably... this is my... umm... uncountless pains....too much I've been through...and one thing I dont learn... or try to forget...

---------I am going to cry sooner or later---------

I really dont know what to do...cuz' I always be the one who creates the chaos, and also I always be the one who's regretting things and crying in the end...

HAHA funny huh?

I cant stop questioning myself...: WHY??????????!!

ahhh I just wish I can answer it myself...

you know, sometimes I just wanna give up and just become like a friend of mine who seems so free with no hasty about those things...

apparently it didnt go too long after I returned here... (where was my solemn promise?)

Im jealous of her... I envy her because she seems never been hurted before...she seems so careless about such things....

Maybe I just need to try... oh wait... I have.... but so far... no good

you know what... im just gunna let things the way it is now... the best thing I can do now is to refuse to see anyone... and be my own world... at least until i am cooler..

But am I ready to give it up? What if I regret it...

well babe, I chose this way... and Im just gunna get through this...

whats the different if sooner or later heartache gunna come anyway....?

But am I really ready?

You know what?! Ready or not, apparently I have no choice other than do what I need to do now...which is:

-being in my own world
- no matter how it consequences... its the best for me...
things happen for reason...

also... I have every right in the world to shade my heart from being hurt!

I do what I have to do...!