Writing for a reflection...

You would prefer to watch TV. You would prefer to just go to sleep. You would prefer to just ponder and cry. We would choose to go on circle. It's always frightening to try to put your thoughts in writing, because usually only then that you find the truth of the matter. Never simple, never easy. They say, you overthink. Obsessed by your own thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, they are right. But who are they to judge. Never black nor white. Never simple, never easy. It is one of those (too often) time when you feel like everything just goes off the track. It is one of those time when you feel like everyone unload their burdens on you. It is one of those time when you're drowned in your wishes trying to please everyone. To try to be enough. It is one of those vicious cycles that you wish to escape from. Ah, the word escape sounds just so beautiful. But yet, frightening. Where will it start? When will it end? You decide to stand still. Hoping for this will go away. Wishing for this is to change. Even it means, when silence knocks, your heart's just wrenched a little and your tears inevitable...

Love/Hate

In life, sometimes you have to choose. Between yes and no. Between ups and downs. Between hope and reality. Between future and present. It is not always easy. It cannot always be black and white. It, simply, cannot be not complicated. But it shouldn't stop anyone from making a choice. It may bring you to your downfall. Or, it may even bring you to the happiness that you have been longing for. Basically, do not be afraid to choose, take a chance. No one says that life would be easy. Relationship would always be convenient and comfortable. Or Work would be simple. But that is just how it is and it all comes down to how you deal with it. True, my life experience is only half yours. True, I am more idealistic when it comes to life approach. True, I am less afraid of what's facing in front of us. It is not because I am a super woman. It is not because I have magic trick. But it is simply because I know that we have now has given me strength, willingness to try. To make it work. As someone who just would rather swallow a bullet than beg anyone to stay...and as someone who's a strong advocate of women power, I find myself conflicting in the idea of having to fight or even give argument on why we could work. But rightly or wrongly, I do have and want to be honest....and it means that you have heard me over and over again sounding message 'how we are great together. Even in future tense too.' to you. True, your indecisiveness could just make me want to shake you up and scream 'grow up!' to you. True, your lack of consideration could just make me want to say 'Screw you!'. True, your mood swing could just make me have to swallow my pride. If you were somebody else, we probably wouldn't stand a chance. But you are not somebody else. You are you. One that makes me smile. One that makes me laugh. One that takes care of me. One that gets along with almost everyone that matter to me. One that can make me rethink twice before I do stupid things. One that can make me less selfish. One that can make me want to be a better person. And more importantly, one that makes me go beyond to work on our relationship. Now, its probably not enough for you. But, nothing will be enough. It's probably not giving you certainty. But, nothing will. People sometimes make promises, but they sometimes are the ones who break them. Future is unknown. But I tell you this. You love me. I love you. We are a good partner. So surely, whatever we face in future, you know we have those fundamental basics. ...and just when you think that it'd be easy to give up...just remember times when you make me laugh. Love and Hate,

...When a fool...

...well, I woke up with question that still lingers 'How long do you need to convince someone that you are worth it...and that what you have is good?', 'Why do I even need to convince you...?' Maybe I am naive, inexperienced - but I have always imagined that you wouldnt have any doubt, you wouldnt need lots of convincing when you find one that has made you less selfish, care more and see life in a more colorful way. That's how I have felt about him. Doubt was slowly swept away, replaced with hope and bliss. But when I found myself to convince him again, those doubts, dissapointment and humiliation have rushed in. I doubt if he even loves me, the way I love him. I am dissapointed at him for hurting me (again!) and at myself for letting me believe that this may work. I am humiliated when I find myself questioning my own self, trying to convince you that I am worth it. People will never change. Dreams may not always happen. I am not perfect, and I am working on myself. But I am not sure just how long it takes for me to realize that I dont need to convince someone that I am worth it... Because you know when you know.

Magical emotion

It is like a fragile glass, my heart. No matter strong it appears, with one touch it  can easily break. That's what I recently learned.

 I find my voice shaking every time I talk about you. I hold my eyes from tearing, every time I look into your eyes.I feel my heart shrunk every time the world unkind to you. I talk myself to stand still when you push me away. I smile every time i see you happy. I disregard my pride when I run to your call. 
I want to tell you all of these....but my lips sealed. 
It is not that I cannot describe how I feel...
It just terrifies me to see how much power you have over me...
...and it just kills me to know that you might disappear from my life

But on the off chance you find this... I wish you knew...

....I stand before you with my heart in my hand and I hope you don't break it...

Today's lessons

Sunday morning conversation:

My father is in town and always love to have him here given the fact that I barely see my parents and he's a good cook...

Father: I am going to make fried rice
Me: I already had breakfast
Father: With what?
Me: Spicy chicken that you made last night.
Father: Oh, well you can just have my fried rice for the second course.

- I can just see my mother shaking her head and thinking, "Your daughter needs to lose weight if she wants to fit in well in that dress!" -

and of course she goes, "You need to go to the tailor today and fix the dress... and leave at noon, the tailor lady is pregnant - so she wont be at the shop all day."

The queen of the house commanded.


Well, another conversation I had was with the guy whom I work with.

Him: I am moving to a new place today so we can either meet early tomorrow or afternoon or I can send someone to discuss this with you.
Me: I am out of town noon tomorrow and only return on Thursday. Early tomorrow at 8 am?
(I contemplated because it'd mean that I would have back to back meetings before my flight)
Him: 8 am that is.

-On the other hand, good thing that he's cute!-


I woke up at 8 am and those conversation happened in less than two hours... I guess the lesson of today is: NEVER WAKE UP BEFORE 10 AM, SO YOU WONT BE TOO SLEEPY AND START COMMITING TO ANYTHING THAT CAN ONLY RUIN YOUR PLAN TO HAVE A CHILLAXING SUNDAY.

One and half years in the industry...

It is Saturday night and here I am having the time of my life sitting at my apt and writing this blog. Well, I, sadly enough, find this better than having to develop a press release for my company's event.

Wait a minute, I am not a procrastinator (Okey, maybe sometimes) - but in my defense, this very assignment came last minute as in yesterday. Heck, I already tried to talk my way out of it - but of course, they always managed to talk my way back to it. To be fair, I don't want to be responsible for any mishap in any message communicated to outside world.

Thus, you find me here - writing this blog, only because I just finished in developing and approving my own press release in two hours time! Achievement!

Well, that's just the thing about being in the communication industry, I realize. Though, I have to admit that I am no where close to be an expert in the industry - so any views expressed here are purely based on personal experience, if not- imagination.

I like the industry - it is restless and always keeps my feet on the ground. You get to meet different walks of life and even give your-so-called-expertise to the people who's higher in world's hierarchy and smarter than you, only because you have more field experiences than them.

It is the land of bullshiting - but evidence based and expectation managed type of bullshits. (My previous PR agency taught me well).

And often time, you will be required to make the impossible- possible with the art of communication... (I will explain this in further details some other time otherwise I get you and myself bored)

PR industry is an interesting industry and never in my life that I thought I would be interested in this field, if you asked me two years ago.

I was all about being a journalist and author - but in reality, in the country where those professions face more challenges than opportunities and having to realize that not many people want to read about my sea of emotions in newspapers, I decided that taking this job as it would be quite a challenge for me.

-I get bored rather easily so constant challenge and new things are vital(if you havent known me well enough)-

It took me awhile to finally say no to the offer to working in Malaysia in a news NGO and yes to the offer of becoming a PR. The question of "should I follow my idealism or fall to reality?" was the center of my contemplation.

On one hand, I wanted to help people and made the world a better place (surprise!) but on the other hand, this PR job offered new challenge and new world. I would get to learn about new things with better pay and less life threat!

I should tell you first, it was my dream to go to Afghanistan or Iraq or Iran and report from there....

And after my trusted friend advised, "You have done journalism for almost two years, learn something new and if you dont like it, you can go back to be a journalist!" - I was sold with the thought that I could still be a journalist if I didnt like the job.

But as you may see, here I am - one and half years in the PR industry and have worked with two companies already.

Trust me when I say, Life takes you places and introduces you to people you'd never thought.

I started falling in love with the industry - see, I am a bit hesitant to use any strong word i.e. Love.. because I know that people change and I change, so I dont want to jenks it and being held accountable in the future when I decide to leave the industry.

But anyway, so far, the industry has treated me kind. Of course, there is some hiccups here and there - but hey, you'll find it anywhere else.

But I am not your typical PR though who looks and talks sweet. I dont do that. I appear presentable - even look more presentable when there's cute guy (FOCUS!) and I always try my best to have-evidence based kind of bullshit - I dont offer promises if I cant deliver, I dont suck up to people, etc. In fact, as I quote from my friend, "I am too straightforward for a PR person"

Oh well... I think it's important to stay true and have your own flavor in any career that you do - because that will make you happy and set you apart from your peers.

I think being happy in everything that you do is very important and that is something that money cant buy. So-called-a-friend-of-mine said that like happiness, everyone can be bought and I was the example of 'being bought' by my new company.

Yes, the very new career bought me... but they bought me with new and clear career opportunity - in any case, people only wants to move up (my ego is speaking).

AND

No, not everyone can be bought with money. I might not always be the best example - so I will only use all great people in the world e.g. Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, or even my new friend who's in his humble life adopts 12 children from different places that hit by disasters - as living proof that not everyone can be lured by money.

-Sometimes people's opinion can just take you by surprise-

Anyway, beyond my expectation, as a PR, I could also channel my longing to write. Be it press release, case study, white paper, etc... Of course, I would rather bitching in my blog than writing about some strange topics that I wouldnt pay attention in life e.g. agriculture, sharia banking, etc...

BUT, as many journalist and legit authors agree - writing can just take you places and introduce you to new world. I think, constant learning can only make one better.

Anyway, to summarize this non-important-blogpost, this PR industry is a career solution for my life imperfection... and this blog is my canal for my longing to write, bitching about the world and catering to my sea of emotions!

So far, it works fine.

And if you asked me if you have the exact career that you want...well I would say, if it makes you happy and willingly sacrifice your Saturday night to catch up on some works, I'd say you might already find the one, well for now. ;)


With hope and love,
Chat

I know not...

...and hello again,

Been awhile since I updated this blog - but tracing back this blog, you might just see how more and more irregular I am in updating you, my reader. (I am not even sure if anyone would even care to read this) :) But per puro caso (by sheer of chance), hope someone i.e. you would actually read my blog.

Things have been well with me... still loaded with works, and more works and more traveling (Yay!) and get to see more and more new faces. It's just amazing how different one person from another, I realize.

The recent trip to this little island humbled me and made me wondering, if life was supposed to be or could be as simple as how people there live it.

Of course, the people there do have challenges e.g. inadequate education, public facilities, etc (they were badly damaged by earthquake in 2006) - heck, they even have big concern over corruption (whats new!).. but the closer I looked, the more I realized that they are bunch of grateful people!

In this very modest scene, at least 50 teachers from different parts of the island came and were volunteered to be trained... and they were just very accepting towards the situation that they are in.

Acceptance is definitely something that might just be a characteristic that people nowadays i.e. me lack of and sets me apart with them. It is a simple concept of living this life, which sometimes I forget.

That very concept might just be the answer of my question, "Do we or could we have a safety net in life?" - well ladies and gents, maybe we do and its called, acceptance.

You try hard achieving your dream, risking your heart and getting hurt - and the vicious cycle sometimes doesnt stop - but instead of keep being dissapointed and hating the world, perhaps we just need to slow down and accept what has come.

Allow ourselves to accept that sometime, something is just not meant for us, no matter how hard we try or high we hope.

My heart sunk even when I am writing this. To me, its very clear what it is that I need to let go or actually, in the process of letting go.

Frankly I am just not too certain if it really was my heart or my pride that takes this the hardest.

But again, whatever it is - I need to accept that the very dream should just remain as a dream, in the past.

Accept. Accept. Accept. I am telling myself.

But to begin with... I am fully aware that I am not in the position to force my will nor that I want to. I have no option but accepting.

"I could have...
we could have...
What could have I done...?
What have I done...?"

Those are things that run through my head and I know that eventually I might or might not come to my consciousness that regardless how hard I try or high I hope... something is just not meant for me. And as simple as life should be, I need to accept that.




-The fact that you are willing to say, "I do not understand, and it is fine," is the greatest understanding you could exhibit.- Wayne Dyer

Do I have a life?!

I was stunned when a colleague in retrospect asked if I had a life. The question appeared when I told her that I had spent sometime working during the holiday. It is not a first that I find people either think a) that I work too hard and rarely relax b) I have no life.

Maybe they are not entirely wrong. I do work hard and every time I catch myself doing nothing, I get a little anxious and just want to do something. My works come to rescue. It is perhaps for my own mind wellness. I need to feed my mind so it doesn't wander in its own track.

I am an obsessive thinker, if you don't notice. It is a bless and a curse. I mostly can think of every scenarios that might happen in my life and prepare me for that - you rarely catch me off guard. But that very scenarios drive me insane at times. I get worried for the thoughts that is created by my own mind. It is exhausting.

So when I don't have good books to read (which usually only take 2-3 days to finish), or new places to visit (so I can be mesmerized by the new of it), I tend to reach out to the closest solution, working.

I happen to like what I do, so far.

Working is definitely good distraction for my restless mind and it definitely is something that I have control over.

I am a big believer of "be the best in something that you can control..." so at least if other major things in your life (e.g. Romance) steer you in unexpected situation, you aren't completely lost.

And in this very time, one of the major things in my life, romance, is very much not always in my favor - which of course, has made me thinking, a little too much.

But here's what I've learned... by the end of the day, when there's only so much that you can do... you can only hope and pray....and let go.

Let go things that you have no control over and be the best in things where you know you have more control... in my case is my work.

So to answer retrospective question if I have a life... well, I very much do.

Hello and Goodbye

Good evening, to you.

How has life been treating you? Trust that everything goes well and works, your favorite, been kind and letting you to breathe once in awhile.

Tomorrow is Monday and I remember how we used to curse the day. But one thing that I didn't get to tell you was that Monday was also my favorite day... only because I'd get to see you again.

We were very close than anyone would have expected. You were there when I needed you. You were the sun that shone its rays and brightened my days. You taught me all of the possibilities that eventually had taken me here, a distant away from you.

I know that time has changed so fast and been weeks that we have gone without any communication. No exchange of supports nor silly jokes.

I am well, I am doing just fine. Something that I thought I was not capable of when you did not decline when I asked, "Shall we not see each other again?"

If you only knew, my hurt was sunk and it took me a good amount of days to dry my tears.

"Some people doesn't stay in your life but teaches you something" says the wise man. I suppose, your purpose was to take me to where I am now. And although, part of me wished that you could be with me hands in hands... I understand that there's world out there waiting for you to return.

I am letting you go.

Sincerely thank you,
Batman.

To the new.

It is a non-stop cycle, that is what I realized. Before a story ends, another one starts. For the past 3 years, it has always been about fall in and out of romance. I see. I fall. I conquer. I cry. And back to step one: I see. That is exactly
what's happened.

I guess that is how I have moved on quickly.

Well, you might wonder if I have someone else in placed of the previous one. You might also wonder who this guy is and what he does and where we met. And of course, you might wonder... What the hell happened between him and you?

I shall answer from the last question. It ended, you might say, abruptly. But to me, I could not find better words to describe than it was the most appropriate decision that I had taken.

If there's any consolation, it hurt as hell and I spent fairly amount of time sobbing.


But again, it is what it is and at times, you ought to be brave to face disappointment, despair, anger and of course, loneliness. That is why they call it a broken heart ergo you literally can feel that you can hardly breathe because of someone cuts your heart. The very someone who previously might have said to you, "You and I are meant to be" or foolishly joked, "Let's go to Vegas and elope!"

As the heart was broken, the story ended. People moves on, though.

He is not anything special, yet. However, he is a good distraction. Everytime I think of him, I could hear vividly the song
of 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift play in the back of my mind.

"I was enchanted by you"

Enchanted by someone else is a good thing for me. It is good to be reminded that there is a possibility of someone out there who does not mind to travel an hour away to see you or even makes awkward jokes to break the silence. It was an
instant connection.

But as I am writing this particular blog, I have learned that I shall take my time, have as little expectation as possible but hope for the best.

It is certainly not an easy practice. But, you ought to be brave... And of course, every once in awhile... I suppose a girl should just enjoy a sms, "I'm playing golf. What about you?"

To another intense feeling

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

You're in wrongness. Meanness. Insensitiveness.

"My life's a mess"

I told a friend of mine who professed his feeling towards me. So desperately my mind ran through all of those lame excuses of why having a relationship was not a priority for me.

The truth was, I lied. My life has always been a mess, but it had and has not refrained me from being in relationships in the past.

The truth was, I did not have the courage to tell him that I was not into him.

The truth was, I wished it was someone else who dined with me that very night and said the very exact thing that this 'friend' said.

And now, I am bitten by own karma. Months later. I really am a mess in this messy romance story with a somewhat messed-up person.

Uncertainty and indecisiveness, which I loathe the most, have fairly befriended me. And to my own heart, I go.... no body's perfect and never in my life that I've ever had a normal romance story. Bad romance, unfortunately, is not an irregularity to my life.

And like any other stories that I have been in, the belief that somewhat, this time around would be different came across my mind.

Red flags are flown right before my eyes. But of course, all I could see is his child-alike eyes...

"What the fuck are you doing?" is the very question that is familiar to my ears. But of course, his 'honest' answers are deafening...

My long awaited- past's invitation seems to be nothing compared to the excitement that he ignites.

I am drawn into his wrongness. meanness. insensitiveness.

Infatuation and loathsome linger between us.

Hope and despair embed this story.

Don't ask me on how I'd go... because I dont know.
Don't ask me if he'd ever break my heart... because I hope he won't.

I am heavy hearted.

But I know that when words are soon to be understated in describing this very messed up story, I am going back to where I started.

With a smile. A BIG ONE.

Fickle mind says...

"Let him go..." is the only word that should be resounded in my ears. It should have been easy and less heartache.

But like other people who are entangled by the feeling of romance, one could only dare to brave difficulties and heartaches...

I loathe to see how the world gets you down.

I second guess my sanity to understand you.

I risk my heart to wait for your never ending indecisiveness.

"I will walk with you if you're there to catch me when I fall."

Life is imperfect and uneasy, at times. People change so as seasons. But, you have my words that I will be there, for you...as long as you will be there for me.

"We could have it all..."

But then again, there are only so many heartbroken songs to accompany me when you hurt my heart, there are only so many words to convince you that I will walk the miles with you...

and frankly, there is only so much time that I have to wait for you.

A confession for you

It has taken time to let my heart falling. But it also has taken time to let my eyes shed tears for the ache you have caused.

I have grown fonder... Times with you have become something that I've always looked forward to. Conversations with you have become my favorite things to do.

To be present and be anything that you need are something that I've always tried...

You've become a particle that can make or ruin my days. Your words have become happy pills or knife that cuts my once-happy day.

There were times when I just wanted to run to you and lift all of your fears and tell you, "I'm here."

I wanted to scream, "Stop it! You are perfect...to me" when you confided me your worriness.

"I will take a good care of you, if you let me" was the only that I wanted to say when you were feeling uncertain.

I've wanted to be anything and everything for you...something that I have never felt about anyone.

I hope you would never believe in this careless-mask that I have always put or mean-words that I have said..

Because the truths are there has not been a day that I don't think of you and there has not been a day that I hope I could tell you that I am weak for you.

But it is your heart that I have no power over. It is your stubbornness that I can never win from. It is your wander eyes that will always break my heart.

And it is my heart that might be too afraid to take the leap to tell you how I truly feel. The same heart that decides to give up on you.

Uneasy emotion

Awaken at dawn only to realize that my mind hasn't stopped thinking of you. This almost happens everyday and I am terrified. It is uneasy when you, at times, find yourself keep guessing what the universe tries to tell you.

Is it a stop or a go? Will I be crying for joy or in tragedy?

Difference has never stopped me from falling before... But when you keep crying in the end, you start to ask if this will even be a different story...

I like you, very much. There is no question about how I feel about you and there is no doubt that I try to undo my emotion towards you.

I don't deal very well with uncertainty and it always drives me insane everytime I remember that I put my heart at risk. Again.

You might laugh at my sentimental writing... But frankly, this is what I have tried to hide from you.

when writing is easier...

Emails and Facebook are websites that I avoid right now as both only remind me of how bad I am communicating with people. Yes people, I am aware that an online message comes from me only comes once in a blue moon.

At times, I do not have the time to sit myself down and write an email. While most of the times, I just don't feel like reaching out to people.

A dear friend said to me, "That's why you use Facebook to write short message."

And that is exactly the problem for me. I don't like writing a short and non-personalized message. My close mates and people whom I care about (usually my past romance) are used to receive long and personalized emails.

I'm a big believer of "say what you mean and mean what you say". I try to walk the talk.

Thus, when I write to people, you can almost guarantee that I spend good amount of time to sit myself down, pour my thoughts on you and write, as if I am talking to you.

Words are not just words. They could make or break you... and you need to choose carefully on which words you will use to convey your thoughts.

Writing is one of my favorite things to do, and apparently one of my strengths- that is why I used to be a journalist who dreamed to change the world from my very writings. (Let's not commenting on my dream)

I communicate my heart better in writing, so many times... you read lots and lots of writings on my emotional state.

Some words and emotion are better left unspoken but should be written. Exactly the type of emotion that I feel right now.

There are different flavors of emotions running through my heart and affecting my brain.

Effortlessly longing and thinking while I was supposed to use both heart and mind to focus on other things.

This is not healthy. But then again, since when does anything related to romance is a healthy thing? It only keeps you at different polars... either you are extremely in love and happy or you are painfully out of love and broken heart.

Romance is some kind of cycle. It likes to take you to the highest possible level and then drops you, just like that... and it repeats.

I tell myself to stop, every time. But the cycle is like gravity that you can never really runaway from.

And certainly now, I feel like I am tied and bouncing ups and downs on the trampoline of romance vicious cycle.

In the edge of year 2010

Two days before new year's eve, two men with whom I had romance with re-emerged, as if welcoming the new year isn't challenging enough.

But that's really what happens with life. It could give you the best and worst memories of all time.

The year 2010, to me was a mediocre year... It wasn't as mental as 2007, serious as 2008 or even free as 2009.

Flashback to the last new year's eve...

I was preoccupied with what dress I was going to wear for the new years party, how many suitcases I could fit my six years life in, last travels that I should make, future career and the romance that I was involved in.

Lots of things I needed to sort out. They were just so many that I could barely sense the emotion that ran through.

It would have been upsetting since I would leave the country where I had spent my last six years. It would have been saddening since I would leave the very friends that had become part of my life.

It would have been everything else but being thrilled for the plans that him and I made.

"You'll meet my brother and we'll go to the sushi place in Brooklyn. The one that I really like."

Those plans didn't occur. Instead, I was strolling New York City with my very very bestfriend and listening to 'Speechless' by Lady Gaga.

"I can't believe what you said to me last night when were alone, You threw your arms up and baby you gave up..."

My heart was broken.

"I can't believe you let him ruined our plans. It should've been about us."

I looked into my bestfriend's eyes and listened to his words. He made his dissapointment obvious to me. Those last days were supposed to be between him and I cherishing our friendship.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Attempted to smile but I knew that he was aware that my mind was somewhere else.

Somewhere... hoping that my romance would soon realize that he broke his promise and that I waited to meet his little brother.

"Let's go to Little Italy and have your favorite, Fettucini"

My bestfriend took my hand and I knew that I was foolish for trading our six years friendship for some romance that started only a month ago.

But hey, being a fool whose heart been broken hadn't hindered me from continuing whatever I had with the very man who broke my heart that new year's eve. Amazingly enough, we had our affair continued for 11 months after I left the country.

Romance could end. Men could leave. But your bestfriends... they're here to stay.

And that's my bestfriend, Aure, who is still my very bestfriend even after I dissapointed him so many times.

Him and my other bestfriends spread around the world had colored my colorless year.

Now...hours before the new year, 2011, comes...

Here I am sitting at some hairdresser's salon, thinking back of how my life is this year.

"Plenty of challenges but I'm blessed"

That'd be this year's description.

So with less worries in mind, well aside from i-hope-this-hairdresser-wont-screw-up-his-cut, I could only pray and hope that in new year's eve next year... I could say:

"God, You're Grand and this is the best year I've ever had so far and looking forward for more blesses from You, My Almighty."



Yours truly.

Dear you, the unknown number

"Unknown number" I read. As if every unknown matters in my life doesn't suffice. But hey, that's life where predictable isn't quite the description.

I wouldn't mind, really. I like when people paying attention and decide to phone me. It's always a thrill when your phone rings, you see on your phone screen who's calling and you get to decide if you're going to pick it up or not.

And for most of the time, unless you're some kind of people I blacklist due to misdemeanor or trying to sell me stuffs, I would usually pick up your call.

Hey, I even picked up a phone call from my very own version of Mr. Big, whom I blacklisted. Yes, I'm a huge fan of Sex and The City... Thus, I code a former love who had strung me for years...a 'special' name like that John guy who has strung Carrie for 6 years in Sex and The City.

As I mentioned, he's actually in my blacklist... So picking up his call wasn't intentionally. I deleted his number... But of course, when the phone rang.. my curiosity to pick up a call from an unfamiliar number defeated my memory...

But then again, you can only enlist so many phone numbers in your brain.


Anyway, yes... I usually pick up calls. And certainly calls from 'unknown number' become my favorite ones since it bring such vast chances of guessing who, among my dearest mates residing abroad, would phone me.

Alright... dearest mates might be understated... I should also say romance interest... A romance interest who might care enough to phone me all the way here...

If this occured two months ago... I would have identified the caller easily as I was involved in a long distance affair... However with this cold winter and cold heart... I would have to guess who the unknown number is.

This could be a fun game and we could name it, "Guessing the unknown"

But seriously at this very moment with no one crosses my mind... I could only hope that the unknown number would call me again.

So to you, the unknown number, please do call again. I promise I won't be throwing out garbage when you call so I can actually hear my phone rings and pick up your call.


Yours truly.

Once upon a time in the la la land...

We were happy once. You know, like a normal couple who were infatuated. Emails were our messenger and that special sound from my blackberry became something that thrilled me... I'd be fully in alert, it was another email from him. It was real, what we had.

But like other stories that I am familiar with, the curtain was soon closing... Time and place had witnessed us growing apart. The story was no longer appealing as it only offered tears and heartache.

Then I moved on... like an actress who's desperately looking for the next act. And, I just knew where I wanted to go... it was to him, my very favorite one.

I always always seek for him everytime life is unkind. With him, I find myself. As insane as it sounds, he's a true reflection of me... I see myself in him and he sees himself in me.

And, somehow...life wasn't so bad anymore...

But that's not how life works and you can't always hide from it. He would soon leave and find someone else... who's real for him and not some kind of 'reflection' that only stays temporarily.

He needs love and I can give him that. I am more than capable of that... But all I need for him to do is just have more faith in me and us.

He did not. He preferred to move on. Without me. Without us.

And then, like the sun rays warms the winter... life decided to introduce me to someone new...

It is easy, simple but yet complicated with him... Laughing becomes so easy. He does bring me back from my dull scenes.

But again... the maze of the story is just so bewildering that I am frightened... it will just drag me back to that familiar place where tears, dissapointment and heartache will embrace and befriend me.