EX and THE CITY

Sex and the City is one of my fav tv series... well in fact... it is, a MUST see, to me.

I can relate to each episodes easily, and surely can many women in this world, regardless their nationality.

Like, their episode called, "EX and the City" which is actually quite similar with what I encounter...

When i was younger, I wouldnt think that friends with the ex-es could be a topic to think about... at least not in my mind... well now... everytime I think about the possibility of bumping into my ex-es... i started trembling...

It is not easy as I thought it was...

Life's pretty unpredictable... like when you were still together with whoever you were falling in love with then your ex, you would never thought that someday, when things didnt work out between two of you... even only to think about him, can give you diarrhea...

no kiddin!

then when you started to think that you already make peace to your 'past', let's just say only by phone, apparently you cant guarantee that all those 'diseases' can dissapear when you see him again...face to face.

I wonder, is there anything in this world can make us feel okey when we see our past for the first time after we break up?

well, before we start... i just want to make it clear that... we're only talking about the past whom could literally killing us when we found out that things couldnt work out.

My friend says, "just be friends with your ex-es" well... could you still be friend when you weren't even friends before? and the worst is... how do you start to become friends when you were emotionally attached to him?

what is X + X = friends with an ex -- carrie (sex and the city question)

then when we already solved this equation by becoming friends... would we really we be a friend to our ex-es? i mean, really, friends... who won't have, even the SLIGHTEST jealousy when we see them with their new lover...

Because doesnt friend ask about their friend's lover? can we really be happy for them when they have a new lover?

Another friend of mine copes by running away everytime she bumps into her ex-es...

Understandable...! however, what if someday you were stuck in a dead end and there he was, standing in front of you, where are you going to runaway to?

the answer is: You cant always runaway... the ghost of your past still lives in the freaking same city with you for Godsake!

Well... wont lie that anything relates to my past romance isnt easy to be solved either.. (if i knew how, i would be very content)....

i still have no answer for that question... however,when you know that you will see your ex,

to me, so far,

Looking as fine as you can + being as confident as you can = give you 'Hell! I am over and way better without you' look to your ex-es...

You might still be hurt in the end... but hey, at least, this time with DIGNITY!

The truth...

Well... apparently time flies so freaking fast... that sometimes you just wish you can return to where you were...

ahhh been doing good here... just a bit frustated about school and stuffs... I've got sooo many plans in mind... which honestly, make me mortified... bad eh?!

I thank God that I, last week, received the letter which I had been waiting for...(cant tell you the details... sorry!) let's just say that, it has given me choices... and made me relief...

I dont really worry about my future, but I wont lie that, what others think might affect me... though i keep telling myself that I should not worry... however, DUH! cant be that selfish since I still have family...

Well... apparently God still reminds me how unpredictable life is...

As unpredictable as where my heart has been.... yea... let me tell you... its been flying pretty high which scared me to death!

Whatever it is... and whoever he is... I just dont wanna fall to the same big HOLE again... trust me... it really is dark and scary down there... all I can remember is... I dont have any single good memory about it--- this is the reason why I dont wanna fall tooo deep...

Well I hope my past has taught me and restrained me from falling...

and I hope Alloh will always be with me...

I cant rely on anything or anyone but HIM...

I guess we will never really move on from our past... although it might have been as painful as hell... but sometimes do i feel... i'd rather live in my past

God!

Ay ya ya.... well things are going better slowly, I thank God for that... and really... I do hope that I can see myself smiling again soon.... I mean... without thinking about anything...something that I miss really.... ahhh I wonder if I could just return to be a kid...

I had a dream about my past this morning... all I could remember is how I loved the hope that he gave me in my dream... It was such a nice feeling to have a dream. He held my hand, and i could see how happy I was. In my dream, we were only friends... but even 4 years ago we werent anything else... I think only him and I know what that really was.

You know whats so funny is... I feel like I have nothing to look forward lately... i feel like I am just living in the day... this is not me... me who always have something up... ahh maybe this is what is supposed to be called, a break!

Yea I damn need a break... from anything!!!

Well another thing is, I get ill easily too lately... maybe from too much thinking... oh well...

God, Sometimes I run away from YOU... but still do I know that You're the only ONE who knows me.... the true me... Please dont let me go... please never let me go.

oh lala

Ahhh what a day!!

Well lately, things been going better... I mean... still drowning in my own thoughts, however, now... its a bit at ease... at least thats what I tell myself... and supposedly it worked...

this evening i was feeling fine... i wasnt bothered with anything but the fact that I received a sms from a friend of mine from OZ, Lettice. She's leaving today.

As funny as it sounds, the moment I read her message, thats when I felt that she left me again... although we already havent seen each other for more than 6 months... but when she left Aussie, I feel that she's leaving me.

Maybe I am still used to the fact that I met her in Oz and that in my mind, Lettice= Oz... Although only a glimpse but I can feel the feeling I felt when I left in Nov 2006.

I hung out today also with my friend and a cousin of mine... it was pretty kewl. Went to Semawis and went to the fortune teller... I was feeling fine about myself and about the prediction that the fortune teller told me last week..

Yea...it wasnt pleasant to know what he saw about me and my pasts... it was rather painful... however, I am trying to see what is really going on here...

Whatever it is... it already happens... cant really do anything...

as much as i wanna change something about it... I understand... that It already happens... and now its time for me to move on

Even the funniest clown sometimes still shades some tears

Oh well... i've been home for about 2 weeks already... yea time flies pretty fast...

I met some friends last nite... and I found out that people do read my blog... honestly it is quite an honor for me, never thought that they would actually spend times to read my 'thoughts'

Apparently for them, my blog quite comes off as desperation... i wasnt sure what i should i say when I heard that...

I dont wanna defend myself... although I really hate if anyone think that I am not strong enough...

I understand that people can intrepret this blog anyway they want... but at the same time, I dont wanna hide any things from my blog...whats the point having a diary if you dont say what you really feel? the different is I just need to tell myself that, this is a public diary... so good news for you...I will keep writing what I really feel or think...

cuz' when i think about it more... there is nothing wrong to show vulnerability... then again...you can not always be strong all the times...and to me, my blog is my media where I can really be honest about my feelings (which apparently seems pretty 'desperate')...something that might still seem taboo for me to be displayed in public.

...even the funniest clown sometimes still shades some tears...

To Whom It may concern....

Well, Hows' life with you?

I know this e-mail for you might be really random and you might think that I must be out of my mind or even rude,

well the truth is this e-mail says what i've been wanting to say to you...but I have not been able to say it because of many reasons...

I think it would be better for us not talking anymore, not even sms... at least not until I am ready, and you're not causing me any pain.

I know it was me who started it all, however, i thought it was a good idea for me to make peace with my past... i thought by bringing you back in my life will help me to deal with my pain and somehow i could move on...

but i was wrong... in fact, if you only knew, it is killing me even more... and I really hate it.

I hate to keep thinking about you, wondering when you're going to sms, or even hoping that things between us would be different....

Because the truth is...you are still you... and I should face the fact that to you, I am not worth a try...and I should tell myself over and over again that you gave me up.

You might be laughing at or even hating me now... but I hope you understand my situation... I am just a girl who likes a guy but realizing that i am nothing for him....so with all the courages left, i am asking him to give me sometimes to over him.

I hope when the time comes for us to meet again... you will see me smilling at you for different reason...we already move on with our life... you with yours and I am with mine....

'Till then... good luck with your life.