when writing is easier...

Emails and Facebook are websites that I avoid right now as both only remind me of how bad I am communicating with people. Yes people, I am aware that an online message comes from me only comes once in a blue moon.

At times, I do not have the time to sit myself down and write an email. While most of the times, I just don't feel like reaching out to people.

A dear friend said to me, "That's why you use Facebook to write short message."

And that is exactly the problem for me. I don't like writing a short and non-personalized message. My close mates and people whom I care about (usually my past romance) are used to receive long and personalized emails.

I'm a big believer of "say what you mean and mean what you say". I try to walk the talk.

Thus, when I write to people, you can almost guarantee that I spend good amount of time to sit myself down, pour my thoughts on you and write, as if I am talking to you.

Words are not just words. They could make or break you... and you need to choose carefully on which words you will use to convey your thoughts.

Writing is one of my favorite things to do, and apparently one of my strengths- that is why I used to be a journalist who dreamed to change the world from my very writings. (Let's not commenting on my dream)

I communicate my heart better in writing, so many times... you read lots and lots of writings on my emotional state.

Some words and emotion are better left unspoken but should be written. Exactly the type of emotion that I feel right now.

There are different flavors of emotions running through my heart and affecting my brain.

Effortlessly longing and thinking while I was supposed to use both heart and mind to focus on other things.

This is not healthy. But then again, since when does anything related to romance is a healthy thing? It only keeps you at different polars... either you are extremely in love and happy or you are painfully out of love and broken heart.

Romance is some kind of cycle. It likes to take you to the highest possible level and then drops you, just like that... and it repeats.

I tell myself to stop, every time. But the cycle is like gravity that you can never really runaway from.

And certainly now, I feel like I am tied and bouncing ups and downs on the trampoline of romance vicious cycle.

In the edge of year 2010

Two days before new year's eve, two men with whom I had romance with re-emerged, as if welcoming the new year isn't challenging enough.

But that's really what happens with life. It could give you the best and worst memories of all time.

The year 2010, to me was a mediocre year... It wasn't as mental as 2007, serious as 2008 or even free as 2009.

Flashback to the last new year's eve...

I was preoccupied with what dress I was going to wear for the new years party, how many suitcases I could fit my six years life in, last travels that I should make, future career and the romance that I was involved in.

Lots of things I needed to sort out. They were just so many that I could barely sense the emotion that ran through.

It would have been upsetting since I would leave the country where I had spent my last six years. It would have been saddening since I would leave the very friends that had become part of my life.

It would have been everything else but being thrilled for the plans that him and I made.

"You'll meet my brother and we'll go to the sushi place in Brooklyn. The one that I really like."

Those plans didn't occur. Instead, I was strolling New York City with my very very bestfriend and listening to 'Speechless' by Lady Gaga.

"I can't believe what you said to me last night when were alone, You threw your arms up and baby you gave up..."

My heart was broken.

"I can't believe you let him ruined our plans. It should've been about us."

I looked into my bestfriend's eyes and listened to his words. He made his dissapointment obvious to me. Those last days were supposed to be between him and I cherishing our friendship.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Attempted to smile but I knew that he was aware that my mind was somewhere else.

Somewhere... hoping that my romance would soon realize that he broke his promise and that I waited to meet his little brother.

"Let's go to Little Italy and have your favorite, Fettucini"

My bestfriend took my hand and I knew that I was foolish for trading our six years friendship for some romance that started only a month ago.

But hey, being a fool whose heart been broken hadn't hindered me from continuing whatever I had with the very man who broke my heart that new year's eve. Amazingly enough, we had our affair continued for 11 months after I left the country.

Romance could end. Men could leave. But your bestfriends... they're here to stay.

And that's my bestfriend, Aure, who is still my very bestfriend even after I dissapointed him so many times.

Him and my other bestfriends spread around the world had colored my colorless year.

Now...hours before the new year, 2011, comes...

Here I am sitting at some hairdresser's salon, thinking back of how my life is this year.

"Plenty of challenges but I'm blessed"

That'd be this year's description.

So with less worries in mind, well aside from i-hope-this-hairdresser-wont-screw-up-his-cut, I could only pray and hope that in new year's eve next year... I could say:

"God, You're Grand and this is the best year I've ever had so far and looking forward for more blesses from You, My Almighty."



Yours truly.

Dear you, the unknown number

"Unknown number" I read. As if every unknown matters in my life doesn't suffice. But hey, that's life where predictable isn't quite the description.

I wouldn't mind, really. I like when people paying attention and decide to phone me. It's always a thrill when your phone rings, you see on your phone screen who's calling and you get to decide if you're going to pick it up or not.

And for most of the time, unless you're some kind of people I blacklist due to misdemeanor or trying to sell me stuffs, I would usually pick up your call.

Hey, I even picked up a phone call from my very own version of Mr. Big, whom I blacklisted. Yes, I'm a huge fan of Sex and The City... Thus, I code a former love who had strung me for years...a 'special' name like that John guy who has strung Carrie for 6 years in Sex and The City.

As I mentioned, he's actually in my blacklist... So picking up his call wasn't intentionally. I deleted his number... But of course, when the phone rang.. my curiosity to pick up a call from an unfamiliar number defeated my memory...

But then again, you can only enlist so many phone numbers in your brain.


Anyway, yes... I usually pick up calls. And certainly calls from 'unknown number' become my favorite ones since it bring such vast chances of guessing who, among my dearest mates residing abroad, would phone me.

Alright... dearest mates might be understated... I should also say romance interest... A romance interest who might care enough to phone me all the way here...

If this occured two months ago... I would have identified the caller easily as I was involved in a long distance affair... However with this cold winter and cold heart... I would have to guess who the unknown number is.

This could be a fun game and we could name it, "Guessing the unknown"

But seriously at this very moment with no one crosses my mind... I could only hope that the unknown number would call me again.

So to you, the unknown number, please do call again. I promise I won't be throwing out garbage when you call so I can actually hear my phone rings and pick up your call.


Yours truly.

Once upon a time in the la la land...

We were happy once. You know, like a normal couple who were infatuated. Emails were our messenger and that special sound from my blackberry became something that thrilled me... I'd be fully in alert, it was another email from him. It was real, what we had.

But like other stories that I am familiar with, the curtain was soon closing... Time and place had witnessed us growing apart. The story was no longer appealing as it only offered tears and heartache.

Then I moved on... like an actress who's desperately looking for the next act. And, I just knew where I wanted to go... it was to him, my very favorite one.

I always always seek for him everytime life is unkind. With him, I find myself. As insane as it sounds, he's a true reflection of me... I see myself in him and he sees himself in me.

And, somehow...life wasn't so bad anymore...

But that's not how life works and you can't always hide from it. He would soon leave and find someone else... who's real for him and not some kind of 'reflection' that only stays temporarily.

He needs love and I can give him that. I am more than capable of that... But all I need for him to do is just have more faith in me and us.

He did not. He preferred to move on. Without me. Without us.

And then, like the sun rays warms the winter... life decided to introduce me to someone new...

It is easy, simple but yet complicated with him... Laughing becomes so easy. He does bring me back from my dull scenes.

But again... the maze of the story is just so bewildering that I am frightened... it will just drag me back to that familiar place where tears, dissapointment and heartache will embrace and befriend me.

Twirled Story

It is how it is... something is just irreversible. You exchanged gaze, number and the world was suddenly about you and him... But time has the power...and it does show if it is or isn't meant to be.

It took me awhile to finally able to write about this... I'm still agitated with his promise of the future or even with his way of affecting my life.

...and I'm still readjusting my heart to be once again in sync with my head.

It is visible although I have to rely on loads of works to preoccupy both heart and mind. That's the only time when I find them in line with each other.

Frankly, I have been back in the maze, which I couldn't comprehend myself.

It's like you are there but your heart and mind are nowhere to be found...

Take it one step at a time... I don't have the capacity to rush as long as mind and heart refuse to cooperate.

I'm trying to focus... But his face and our time together still pop up uninvited. Hence, letting mind and heart wander are sound ideas.

The wind is blowing fairly hard now... My eyes are struggling to tear...and I find a little ache in my heart.

I'm not interested in anything... not even a laugh...

I feel slightly dead inside.

But I suppose, anything...even slightly a dead soul...I would endure to at least help me going through this 'cuore infranto'...

barin who breaks my heart

He said, "come...take my hand." I refused to listen, my hands were still. "Come...I'll be gentle. You will be fine with me" he offered his hands. I looked at his eyes... Those grey eyes somehow were telling me that everything's going to be fine.

I could feel his fingers through mine and from that moment on, I knew that he would be my prince.

He saved me from the darkness that I had become. He had made me believe that a happy ending tale might exist. He had me smile everytime I was down. He gave me breeze everytime I lost hope. He had me thinking that he was everything that I had ever seeked for. He made me believe that him and I wasn't just a dream. It was almost real.

Almost.

My Barin breaks my heart. He makes me shade tears over all those pieces that once were sown by him,...

My Prince, my gentleman who once saved me, sucks the last air from me...

He took my ability to believe.

He took my dream away.

He took away my armor for I can no longer defend myself from amorphous and hatred.

The dream fairy had reminded me... "Somehow, someday... it will happen. The darkness is inevitable and Barin is no longer a gentleman."

For once, I refuted her... "No. You missunderstood him. He never promises me anything. But he's a barin...he's a gentleman for he will never break this heart..and look at his eyes, he doesn't fool me. He's the truth. He saved me and will always be my saviour."

But as we're welcoming another winter... One could only realize that it is coming...the familiar coldness and darkness.

Oh, it aches.

The pain just makes you hope that you could just skip every seasons by closing your eyes.

You just pray that this will be the last time you're sitting here and crying...

And there's just sometimes...when,you just wish that he was never there, picking you up and offering you his hands.

Infamous Wedding Fantasy

Wedding, marriage, engagement and even children suddenly sound more familiar than ever...

It's like everyone's doing it.. Starting from my very bestfriend who decided to marry her 4 years-boyfriend, friends from high school who suddenly race to marry each other, mates from the university to even a colleague of mine at the office...as if wedding is the new facebook...everyone, anyone is gotta sign up.

It still surprises me everytime I find that some people at my age thinks that wedding is a 'possible'verb...

They say that you wouldn't know how it feels, until you try it...well, that's what I did...although with every limitation that I have, the furthest thing I could do was imagining myself to fall deeply in love with someone and then getting all excited to walk down the aisle...

For some cases, it works...

But it was not as simple as I thought it would be...imagining to be wed was rather challenging.

In my fantasy, I saw these several dresses from traditional Javanese wedding dress 'dodot' to white gown with little fur on the hair...but somehow, I couldn't see my face on the bride's face... Heck, I even saw that the bride has blonde hair...so I suppose that's not me...

How odd! I imagined someone's else wedding when I was supposed to fantasizing about mine.

Let's try to think about the groom... Some familiar faces appear but everytime I put each face on the-already-imagined-tuxedo, none was matched!

Okey, I am truly aware that wedding isn't JUST about the party... so I started to imagine on the life after the party... I was going home to this house...

In my fantasy, I could see a nice sofa there...but I couldn't find my imaginary 'husband' anywhere...

Perhaps, in my imagination, he was out of town...or even out of the country, helping kids in Uganda...

Okey...it wasn't working...and frankly I am still uneasy with any verb that requires long term and settle.

I am still trying to decide of how I should feel towards my married-mates... Should I be mad that they give up their potential for some fairy tales? Should I be dissapointed because we don't follow the same rules anymore? or Should I be all happy knowing that they finally figure out the-ONE-puzzle?

As a good friend, of course you'd opt for the third option.

Perhaps the question you have now is: do you believe in marriage?

Well, the answer is yes I do. I believe that marriage is the destination for two people who fall in love.

I guess what I am dealing now is... I don't see it yet. I have yet found that one person who will just sweep me off my feet and make me madly in love with him...

Thus, I have yet seen marriage/ wedding/engagement/children as my destination.

But...perhaps someday, I will.

And when that moment comes, I want you to be the witness...