Unspeakable...

So what are we saying when everything has said and done?
We were just being ourselves, I guess.
It might be delirious to think that somehow we would work it out
I had been there, always.
But I surrendered.
I am done.
It is difficult to seek for a reason to stay
It is hard to restart all over again...
To each other, we are now nothing
Although this mess, that I didn't cause, keeps haunting me somehow

Welcoming myself to a different age box

So.. here I am sitting on my bed after a bit 'floating-day'... its one of those days, when you present but your mind doesnt...

I've got a good excuse for that... it is my birthday today!!! WOO HOO (i guess)

How did I spend it? well, started with a very dizzy night... my head was aching last nite so I took the fabolous NYQUIL and pretty much passed out...

until.. 12.08, a friend of mine phoned and wished me a happy birthday...

It was very thoughtful of her...

Anywho... all morning, I was hoping for my family back home to call... mmm... I was a bit worried if they'd forget...

--trust me, it happened last year... and ofcourse my mother went, "I messed up the day..." (blaming the time difference....)---

Then, I decided to phone them... (anticipating some excuses)... and ofcourse, no one was home.

So... called my papa's cell... it was off. My brother's cell... he didnt pick up. and last resort... my mama's cell... and it... WENT through!!!

AWESOMENESS!!! -- yes, I sound like American.

"Hallo wuk, dari tadi mama nyoba telpon kok nggak bisa ya?" --

I went, "masak sih ma? kalo mama telpon pasti kan ada tulisan miscall"

Yup... I am a pretty tough daughter... but ofcourse, she's a TOUGHER mother... so pretty much in the end... I ended up believe that yes, she called me but it didnt go through...

So, anyway... got to the office... I was a bit... no, a bit is understated... I was VERY shocked!

My desk was decorated with pretty much every single things that you could find in our office... from cans, mirrors, to umbrella? yes, indeed. It was CROWDED.

But yea... It was hillarious though. And I truly appreciate all the efforts that they put through... I bet it wasnt easy to 'decorate' my empty desk. hahaha

And the surprise didnt stop... Mbak Dhania bought some breakfast for us... (good thing, since I only had cereals)...

then... in the afternoon, the VOA radio ganks (Mbak Ven, Mbak Di, Mbak Ut, Mas Irf, Mas Ari and minus Teteh) brought a delioso choco cake.. YUMMY.

Ah... also, two cute pair of shoes for the present!!! I really fancy them. Thank you.

Then got an unexpected call from Holland.

Anyway, these people really knows how to make my day... I was a bit anxious by the fact that I would turn 23...

Yes I know... 23, for some of you, might be nothing and you might think that I dont have anything to complain about... and that I still have long wayyy to go...

but anyway, enough with emotional crap!

I still want to thank people who had gone their way to either e-mail, facebook, or even phone to wish me a happy birthday, or simply just being who they are... a true friend for me.

The feeling of being loved is priceless. And you have given me the BEST gift that any birthday girl could want.

Love,
Chat

"In the end, bukannya kita semua jual diri?"

Penting nie....:
this is pretty flattering for me, but I just discovered that some people does spend their time to read my blog.... and I thank you for that. I really wouldnt think that you'd actually read some random thoughts of mine...so once again thank you.

and please remember, comments are welcomed.

Anywho... hari ini di washington dc, the weather is pleasant... nggak dingin dan lumayanlah buat jalan-jalan...

so.. there I was, meskipun badan sakit semua... tapi tetap memaksakan diri untuk keluar rumah... ke GIANT... hahah grocery shopping, meskipun nggak begitu ada yang dibutuhkan... but tentu aja, in the end... tetap menemukan tofu, cabbage, jeruk, yoghurt untuk dibeli... (nggak penting)

But anyway... i got to think about my life lately (hahahah sebelumnya sering sih... terlalu sering bahkan)... bentar lagi, aku bertambah tua... and honestly, this is the first time in my entire life, aku nggak keingetan soal ulang tahun-ku. Biasanya selalu heboh sendiri kalo bulan maret datang... but untuk tahun ini... kayaknya biasa aja ya... and I know why... cuz' I am getting OLD-er...

So... punya banyak waktu di tangan, tentu aku gunakan untuk refleksi... tentang hidupku. Selama 22 tahun hidup, kayaknya belum banyak yang dicapai... apa yang aku sangat inginkan belum tercapai... dan semoga di tahun ini, akan tercapai, amin.

Lalu, gimana umur 22 kemarin? Mmmm... pretty good, i guess. Lulus kuliah, bisa magang di tempat yang aku inginkan, bisa research di Atambua untuk thesis-ku dan sekarang alhamdullilah lagi practical training di washington DC. So, slowly... I got and I did what I always wanted to have or do... So umur 22, ROCKS deh! (Special Thanks untuk Mio Dio (My God Almighty)).

Terussss....? hidup udah... karir... on the making.

Nah sekarang, pertanyaan yang selalu ditanyakan orang-orang yang udah lama nggak ketemu... bisa dibilang, pertanyaan setelah, "apakabar?", "ngapain sekarang?"... apalagi kalo nggak, "sekarang sama siapa?"

Jawaban aku berbeda-beda, kalo lagi jalan sendiri, ya bilang sendiri; kalo sama temenku, ya bilang sama temen.

Hahahaha iya sih... bukan itu yang dimaksud... But biasalah sok misterius, boleh kan?!

Mungkin gara-gara ini juga ya, akhir akhir ini banyak banget temen-temen di sekeliling aku, yang mau mengenalkan aku ke temen-temen mereka.

"Maksudnya? ngenalin gimana?" tanya aku sama temenku dari Indo... yang katanya punya temen cowok yang potensi gitu deh buat aku.

"Ya, kenalan gitu chat. Siapa tau kan!" jawab temen aku online. Dan dibelakangnya ditambah WINK WINK

MMM... reaksi aku? mmmm... ya, bingung!

Dan yang lebih parah lagi, paling nggak ada 3-4 temenku yang mempunyai temen yang ingin mereka kenalkan ke aku.

Dan jawaban aku , masih sama: bingung. Pake bingung segala?

Okey, yang pertama: ceritanya tuh nggak pernah tentang chatrine dikenalkan ke... tapi yang ada selama ini, chatrine mengenalkan ke...

"Hello, aku itu tukang comblang! masak tukang comblang mau dicomblangin?!!!" -- teriak otak dan jiwaku.

Yang kedua: aneh aja gitu... maksudnya, biasanya kan kalo kenal sama orang juga naturally banget... Nggak pake, "dia minta hp kamu chat".

Ya sih emang, aku suka comblangin temen-temenku... tapi kan, emang aku punya terlalu banyak temen laki-laki yang nganggur (maaf teman-teman :P) dan kebetulan aja, punya temen-temen cewek yang kayaknya oke juga buat temen2ku tadi...

So this time is different donnggg.....

But ternyata... nggak hanya temen-temen aja, tentu aja nie mama aku sendiri juga ikut terlibat. Nah, kalo yang ini sih... bukan mencomblangin... tapi mensupport (atau lebih tepatnya memaksakan) aku buat mendekati temenku, yang kata mama "kayaknya dia bisa mengerti kamu... kalo kamu orangnya seenaknya sendiri dan masa bodoh."

Yang ini lebih aneh lagi, karena yang pertama... masak mamaku bilang kalo aku seenaknya sendiri? dan aku bisa membayangkan mamaku, suatu saat kalo ada cowok yang mau beliau kenalin, bilang gini sama cowoknya, "ini chatrine, dia anaknya suka seenaknya sendiri dan masa bodoh" (so helpful mama!)

nah, yang kedua... bukannya mamaku sendiri yang ngajarin... jadi cewek jangan agresif?! Hahaha dan jawaban mama untuk yang terakhir waktu aku komentar ini, adalah, "bukan agresif... tapi memberi umpan... dan orang kayak dia, tipenya emang harus dideketin"

OUW OUW OUW....! Perhatian: cewek nggak boleh agresif. Okey, mungkin, kalo untuk memberi umpan atau tipe cowoknya harus dideketin, mungkin boleh.

But anyway,

Sekarang baru tahu deh aku gimana rasanya masuk di dunia comblang mencomblang, dan jadi salah satu pemainnya.

Mmmm... jadi inget kata-kata Papa pas berbagi ilmu tentang pacaran,

"Bukannya, pada akhirnya itu kita semua ingin menjual 'dagangan' kita?"

Not "the one"

My dearest bestfriend said "I guess there's always that one person that you will always come back to, and I guess for him... that person is not you, its her"

Well, he's not that one person for me either.
He's not the one that I am always always reminded of...
He's not the one that I sometimes secretly hope for...
He's not the one that randomly comes to my dream and makes me smile...
He's not the one that everytime I hear his name, I shiver...
He's not the one that I would give up my life for
He's not the one whose name will always be the nicest thing I have heard
He's not the one that my parents get mad about everytime they hear some news about him... cuz' they know his effect on me
He's not the one that I built my world and dreams around...
He's not the one who makes me anxious everytime I have to think that someday, I might have to see him tying the knot with someone else
He's not the one that had, has and will always have some part of me...
He's not the one that I love, and I always will...
He's not "the one" for me,
But I was willing to try...
I was willing to learn to embrace my feeling
It was scary and uncertain...
But I slowly broke those wall around me...I did.
Because I thought It might worth it...
But in the end, I guess I was wrong...
Because I will never be "the one" for him.

Bertemu dengan President Ramos Horta

Pengen banget cerita....!!!

Kalo ditanya hari ini, gimana kabarku? jawabannya...waaahh aku juga nggak tau...

So many things happened today... dari pagi hari yang sial karena memecahkan kaca punya orang laen dan yang satu lagi, menumpahkan persediaan pembersih muka yang emang udah aku simpan baek-baek (karena belum mampu membeli yang baru... abis mahal)

Yah karena aku lumayan supertitious.. jadi pas yang abis memecahkan kaca itu, otomatis aku langsung berdoa: semoga jangan sial. Jadi selama perjalanan ke kantor bener-bener yang liat kanan kiri, sangat cautious sekali, dan segala pikiran "jangan-jangan nanti..." bertaburan di sekeliling otak.

But alhamdullilah, sampai kantor dengan selamat. Nah abis itu, langsung cabut lagi buat ikutan forum ama Presiden Ramos Horta, president dari Timor Leste atau yang orang indo, mantan propinsi ke 27 kita.

Aku berangkat sama temanku dari kantor, Puri. Dan ada kejadian sebelum berangkat yang bener-bener membuat aku mikir, kesialan karena memecahkan kaca udah dimulai. (Nggak bisa dibagi disini tapi ceritanya) Okey well, anyway, berangkat tuh kami ke CSIS (Center Strategic International Studies) di daerah Farragout West gitulah...

CSIS tuh macam lembaga penelitian yang berkaitan dengan humanities, human rights and international current affairs... dan banyak banget diplomat atau orang-orang penting dunia yang jadi pembicara disitu... dan today, pak Ramos Horta yang jadi guest-nya.

Datang kita agak mepet, tapi tetap duduk depan... berharap dapat liat dan merekam speech dari pak presiden (biasa urusan kerjaan). Wah, aku yang emang dari dulu tertarik dengan masalh Timor Leste dan lepasnya dia dari Indo... bener-bener menunggu saat-saat ini...

Kalo orang laen pengen ketemu artis, aku malah pengen ketemu Ramos Horta. (And thank GOD, kesampaian.)--- iya, aku aneh.hahaha

Dan terus terang aja, tentang Ramos Horta, yang aku tau cuman dikit: dia salah satu orang Fretilin dan yang lumayan vokal membawa nama Indonesia ke pentas dunia sebagai "the invader" Timor Timur

So... datang ke CSIS, sebenarnya aku udah antisipasi nama Indonesia dijelek-jelekkan. Pas pertama liat Ramos Horta, agak biasa aja (meskipun dongkol dengan track record-nya yang menjelekkan nama Indonesia)

Belia memakai baju model Perdana Menter Nehru gitu, berwarna biru keabu-abuan. (bingung ngejelasinnya.. dan orang yang aku tau pake baju model begituan politisi pula)

Okey akhirnya dia berbicara selama lamaaaa banget (but he actually was quiet funny and candid jadi nggak buat bosen) dan tidak menyebut nama Indonesia. Hanya Australia, Portugis dan Malaysia yang disebut... oh bersama dengan Kuba dan Amerika Serikat...

Yaaa tentu aja, aku jadi tambah dongkol dong... (enak aja kita nggak disebut, padahal kita kan juga nolong Timor Leste banyak banget selama ini? hati kecil ini berteriak)

Dan tiba-tiba... INDONESIA... (YA, akhirnya Ramos Horta menyebutkan nama Indonesia!!!)

Dan bilang if America wants to help East Timor, it should help Indonesia... The U.S needs to lift their military sanction from Indonesia... and so on and so on.

Salah satu pengunjung disitu, aku denger bilang, "he saved best for last"

YA YA YA.. it was such a gesture buat hubungan Indonesia dan Timor Leste tentunya. But nggak hanya itu aja lho... aku dan Puri juga dapat kesempatan interview one on one dengan mr. President di kamar hotelnya...

So we did that... and yes, I could tell you this that... Ramos Horta is an eloquent politician. He definitely knows his way to win you with his chasm and words...

I dont know if all of his praises towards Indonesia was sincere... but all I know is that he knows how to make you believe on whatever he says, was real.

"For my very last time"

Trying to breathe... feeling this breeze...
But I saw you again in my dream last night
Walking away from what I had been used to...
But You pulled me close to you in my dream last night
Rebuilding the hopes that vanished
But you gave me the sweetest kisses in my dream last night
Ignoring my dreams... and believe me, I am trying.
But I realized that you will always be there...
in the secret place that no one hasnt been able to replace
Speak to me... How do you move on?
Then at least, I can learn from you.

"Start Fresh"

Some people finds it easy to speak their mind, some people finds it easier to write about how they feel... but I am neither of them, at least not now. I find myself trying to figure out what or how I truly feel.

Why? I might know the reason... but I am trying my best to ignore it. It is for my own good, I said to myself and tried to justify my action. My mother once said that I should not lie to myself and my heart. But she never told me if the truth would only break my heart.

This is the moment that I realize how heartless I could be... or tried to be. It is for my own sake, there once again I tried to tell myself. I have been there too many times. Though every person brought different stories, the memories remain the same. They all are, somewhat, unpleasant.

True, that your life is a lesson to learn. True, that you cant always get what you want. Those are what I believe. I saw, I fell and I, somehow, managed to stand up again. Right or wrong, this is how I have coped and managed to be the person who I am right now.

I am stubborn and yes I know that. "Start fresh" I kept saying... but that words just have not gone through my mind.

I just wish we were stronger... I just wish I believed myself when I said "start fresh"