This does full of shits... literally!

What is life really? Well mine is pretty much full of shit!! And yes, I feel slightly better after I wrote that...

I almost cried for a reason, which has reminded me that people you love, can just make or break you...

They can make you super merry and give you courage that you've never had... but there are sometimes when they can also make you feel like shit and the loneliest person despite the fact that you're surrounded by crowd...

When there's only that wistful feeling left, you have options to participate in your emotion or to let it go...

And for this particular issue, I am just going to let it go... I dont give a shit!

Here is what I have learned... some people you love, you can never change... the only thing that you can change is how you reckon about it...

It sucks and I have to admit that pride used to go on my way... but then I thought to myself, as long as I didnt start the fire, I could only give a shit about it!

Yes... I have buzzed many shits words here since I couldnt find any better words to elaborate what I wanted to say (I searched for the similar-but more appropriate word of shit on thesaurus and the result was NIL)




**Let me breathe for abit... been running for awhile and obviously been disoriented...

when reality becomes too real

I don't really use the word "lonely" in my life for an obvious reason, I didn't reckon it was applicable to me. Until today.

The word has found me. I damn deteste it! Its like I want to be honest with myself but yet part of me defies it.

Perhaps I am just too emotional. Perhaps I had always been in denial. Whatever the reason is, loneliness is palpable.

To God, would you please hold my hand?

Me and Waiting and I am Pissed off!

Here I am waiting, and waiting is never listed as my favorite word.

If it was, perhaps I wouldn't be flying solo... Perhaps, I would be travelling hand in hand with someone whom I liked but had made me wait... Perhaps, I would tolerate anyone who moved on slower phase than me... Perhaps, I would take my time doing nothing and enjoy my vacation...Perhaps, I wouldn't be here waiting...

But waiting in fact is the verb that I've tried to avoid. That, and being in uncertainty. Those would catch me off-guard and make me unhappy.

When you make people wait and if it is because of your own bad time management, it shows disrespect.

Yes tons of excuses I've heard. The rubber time culture, the-infinite-traffic-jam, etc etc.

Well how about trying this alternative, consider about all possibilities before you leave including "traffic jam, late trains" shits, calculate the time, and leave accordingly...

Waiting for 2 hours? How does it make you feel?

NO GOOD! Perhaps start valuing other people's time would be an alternative?

Walking through the rain

It is raining outside and it has always been raining every night lately...As I am writing this, I see how the rain describes some current events in my life: sometimes it soothes me but there are many times when I wish I'd just stay home.

It could be your frenemies indeed.

And just like the rain, you can't really stop some events in your life to occur... They are inevitable, regardless how painful they are to you.

Life, you can't just choose to get in and out anytime you want...

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"

This I remind myself everyday...

You need ridiculously big faith... But sometimes you find yourself wondering, "Really? Can I make it through the rain?" and when you seek around, you don't find any signs.

Worse, your necessary faith takes time to be found...

Your eyes seemed to be immune regardless how desperately you want to cry. You listen to your own words repeating every wisdoms you have heard, but somehow they all just sound strange.

It is like you're there but your soul is no where close.

When this happened, one could only beg that Alloh didn't trust her enough to go through this alone, she needed HIM more than anything.

And So I pray...

It is amazing how a course of life can change in a matter of days. Yesterday, I was all ready to plan my vacation trip and suddenly today everything seems more and more uncertain.

We can never plan our life, can't we? This is why I always admire gambler or optimist. How could you be certain when you know that life is unpredictable? And how could you be fine if things don't go your way?

I'm not a risk taker when it comes to my future. I have to be certain about what will be ahead of me for I to jump into a situation. I usually think of as many scenarios as I can find... I apply "prepare for the worst" for everything, including my expectations to people and the way I perceive my future.

On the surface, people misunderstood me as risk taker and that is usually because I have traveled to some unfamiliar places and stuffs...

In case of travelling to some strange sites with no language I speak, I reckon as long as I know what I want and some basic things like where I will stay and such... I will be fine.

I need a purpose, I will figure things out later.

Purpose makes me feel that I am in control. That keeps me from getting insane.

But ofcourse, life is way too powerful even for someone who has two or three back up plans... It always manages to throw you offguard.

"Shit does happen!" and all you can do just keep reminding yourself, "you'll make it!"

Yes it is tough especially when the world seems to be unkind and the future seems unpromising...

When that happens, I find peace in my past...

A friend of mine asked me if I ever let go my past... I answered, Yes I have but there are sometimes when revisiting the past becomes the only way for me to going through the present.

And at this very moment, that is what I am trying to do... revisiting my past...

But somehow, this time, I fail to find familiar faces and here I am, alone.



IL MIO DIO, please give me mercy.

Dance in the different life stage

I finally have the time and energy to update this little blog... Life has been in fast speed... I commenced my new job as a PR and it has only been my second day...but, I have been pretty drained.

The good news is my colleague promised that I could still have social life and go clubbing despite the crazy work hours... That's a relief, I guess.

I am liking my job, so far. But I'm pretty sure that this phase of learning new things has exhausted my brain and energy...

So exhausted that I slept away my Saturday night.

It feels damn good though when you get sometimes to just relax for a bit after your long hours of running around... But honestly, I'm liking myself to be busy and keep going...

I have also progressed in meeting new ppl and actually made efforts to hang out with them... Only some of them, but it is pretty good considering that "mingle" was something that I refused to do sometimes ago...

I'm taking my time but I'll get there eventually.

I have started giving direction to ppl who's giving me ride home... Though sometimes it would take me longer to get home... A little lost here and there happens...

As you can notice, my attention has been divided into many things...I am trying to digest things slowly so I don't overwhelm myself.

Its bad enough that on my first day, all the paperworks that I would have to do in the future, made every single bones in my body ache only by looking at it!

Yes, welcome to the real freaking world! -my friend told me.

Ahh this is the world that they have been talking about! I though to myself. It does not seem distant anymore, in fact,I am living in it now!

As for the romance update, I suppose its on break for the moment... Well unless my heart decides differently...(Based on my experience, it could happen in a blink of an eye)

But as I'm having this brief moment to write this, I am praying that my existing experiences have made me wiser and stronger in handling this so called real world.

After all, I am still trying to find my new tune but you can damn be sure that I am ready to dance in this real life stage!!!

A little thought amid the business of working

I cant believe it happened again... I am here, writing about things that I should have stopped writing about a week ago. That, according to the rule: "It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them"

Apparently it is not always true. I have not gotten over it or him yet... it is even longer than the amount of our dating period. Our relationship is between, "it was something and somewhere inside, I am still hoping that it would turn out to be something..."

And ofcourse, he is unaware of this fact... the particular fact that elaborates how I truly feel and what I want from him. This I-dont-miss-you gal has sent I-havent-thought-of-you-emails and I-am-too-busy kind of online chats.

Until last night, somehow I had failed to escape from the thoughts of him. I couldnt sleep.

So, I told myself that it was okey to send him a I-miss-you kind of e-mail. To my surprise, I did it.

I went even further, today, I initiated our online conversation. Having all ready to sneak a little I miss you kind of messages during our conversation, I called his name and at the same time told this little heart "Its okey, go ahead... let go"

Conversation went smoothly, he is always kind and says the right thing. Honestly, that makes me wonder if I could trust every single words he has said.

I know he is a nice person. period. to everyone else too. period. So being unkind, I dont think, would be his style.

I should stop questioning. I am learning to have some trust in him and to other people. I should stop questioning people's motives.

But the thing is, everytime I let myself go and trust people... there is always someone manages to bring me back to my skepticism... I remember once-a-mate-of-mine says to me, "Maybe your expectation on me is too high" when I asked her why she was being damn selfish.

People are people.

Oh what the hell!!!! I can never know the truth, as much as I wanted to. Surely I've got tons of questions about "him and I" now or even "him and I" before...

But just like any other affairs I have had in the past, those questions would only make us go silent and ofcourse, make me go crazy.

But unlike me in the past, to him, I am going to stop questioning. At least, I will try...my best. I just hope I dont have a-too-high-expectation on him.