Do I have a life?!

I was stunned when a colleague in retrospect asked if I had a life. The question appeared when I told her that I had spent sometime working during the holiday. It is not a first that I find people either think a) that I work too hard and rarely relax b) I have no life.

Maybe they are not entirely wrong. I do work hard and every time I catch myself doing nothing, I get a little anxious and just want to do something. My works come to rescue. It is perhaps for my own mind wellness. I need to feed my mind so it doesn't wander in its own track.

I am an obsessive thinker, if you don't notice. It is a bless and a curse. I mostly can think of every scenarios that might happen in my life and prepare me for that - you rarely catch me off guard. But that very scenarios drive me insane at times. I get worried for the thoughts that is created by my own mind. It is exhausting.

So when I don't have good books to read (which usually only take 2-3 days to finish), or new places to visit (so I can be mesmerized by the new of it), I tend to reach out to the closest solution, working.

I happen to like what I do, so far.

Working is definitely good distraction for my restless mind and it definitely is something that I have control over.

I am a big believer of "be the best in something that you can control..." so at least if other major things in your life (e.g. Romance) steer you in unexpected situation, you aren't completely lost.

And in this very time, one of the major things in my life, romance, is very much not always in my favor - which of course, has made me thinking, a little too much.

But here's what I've learned... by the end of the day, when there's only so much that you can do... you can only hope and pray....and let go.

Let go things that you have no control over and be the best in things where you know you have more control... in my case is my work.

So to answer retrospective question if I have a life... well, I very much do.

Hello and Goodbye

Good evening, to you.

How has life been treating you? Trust that everything goes well and works, your favorite, been kind and letting you to breathe once in awhile.

Tomorrow is Monday and I remember how we used to curse the day. But one thing that I didn't get to tell you was that Monday was also my favorite day... only because I'd get to see you again.

We were very close than anyone would have expected. You were there when I needed you. You were the sun that shone its rays and brightened my days. You taught me all of the possibilities that eventually had taken me here, a distant away from you.

I know that time has changed so fast and been weeks that we have gone without any communication. No exchange of supports nor silly jokes.

I am well, I am doing just fine. Something that I thought I was not capable of when you did not decline when I asked, "Shall we not see each other again?"

If you only knew, my hurt was sunk and it took me a good amount of days to dry my tears.

"Some people doesn't stay in your life but teaches you something" says the wise man. I suppose, your purpose was to take me to where I am now. And although, part of me wished that you could be with me hands in hands... I understand that there's world out there waiting for you to return.

I am letting you go.

Sincerely thank you,
Batman.

To the new.

It is a non-stop cycle, that is what I realized. Before a story ends, another one starts. For the past 3 years, it has always been about fall in and out of romance. I see. I fall. I conquer. I cry. And back to step one: I see. That is exactly
what's happened.

I guess that is how I have moved on quickly.

Well, you might wonder if I have someone else in placed of the previous one. You might also wonder who this guy is and what he does and where we met. And of course, you might wonder... What the hell happened between him and you?

I shall answer from the last question. It ended, you might say, abruptly. But to me, I could not find better words to describe than it was the most appropriate decision that I had taken.

If there's any consolation, it hurt as hell and I spent fairly amount of time sobbing.


But again, it is what it is and at times, you ought to be brave to face disappointment, despair, anger and of course, loneliness. That is why they call it a broken heart ergo you literally can feel that you can hardly breathe because of someone cuts your heart. The very someone who previously might have said to you, "You and I are meant to be" or foolishly joked, "Let's go to Vegas and elope!"

As the heart was broken, the story ended. People moves on, though.

He is not anything special, yet. However, he is a good distraction. Everytime I think of him, I could hear vividly the song
of 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift play in the back of my mind.

"I was enchanted by you"

Enchanted by someone else is a good thing for me. It is good to be reminded that there is a possibility of someone out there who does not mind to travel an hour away to see you or even makes awkward jokes to break the silence. It was an
instant connection.

But as I am writing this particular blog, I have learned that I shall take my time, have as little expectation as possible but hope for the best.

It is certainly not an easy practice. But, you ought to be brave... And of course, every once in awhile... I suppose a girl should just enjoy a sms, "I'm playing golf. What about you?"

To another intense feeling

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

You're in wrongness. Meanness. Insensitiveness.

"My life's a mess"

I told a friend of mine who professed his feeling towards me. So desperately my mind ran through all of those lame excuses of why having a relationship was not a priority for me.

The truth was, I lied. My life has always been a mess, but it had and has not refrained me from being in relationships in the past.

The truth was, I did not have the courage to tell him that I was not into him.

The truth was, I wished it was someone else who dined with me that very night and said the very exact thing that this 'friend' said.

And now, I am bitten by own karma. Months later. I really am a mess in this messy romance story with a somewhat messed-up person.

Uncertainty and indecisiveness, which I loathe the most, have fairly befriended me. And to my own heart, I go.... no body's perfect and never in my life that I've ever had a normal romance story. Bad romance, unfortunately, is not an irregularity to my life.

And like any other stories that I have been in, the belief that somewhat, this time around would be different came across my mind.

Red flags are flown right before my eyes. But of course, all I could see is his child-alike eyes...

"What the fuck are you doing?" is the very question that is familiar to my ears. But of course, his 'honest' answers are deafening...

My long awaited- past's invitation seems to be nothing compared to the excitement that he ignites.

I am drawn into his wrongness. meanness. insensitiveness.

Infatuation and loathsome linger between us.

Hope and despair embed this story.

Don't ask me on how I'd go... because I dont know.
Don't ask me if he'd ever break my heart... because I hope he won't.

I am heavy hearted.

But I know that when words are soon to be understated in describing this very messed up story, I am going back to where I started.

With a smile. A BIG ONE.

Fickle mind says...

"Let him go..." is the only word that should be resounded in my ears. It should have been easy and less heartache.

But like other people who are entangled by the feeling of romance, one could only dare to brave difficulties and heartaches...

I loathe to see how the world gets you down.

I second guess my sanity to understand you.

I risk my heart to wait for your never ending indecisiveness.

"I will walk with you if you're there to catch me when I fall."

Life is imperfect and uneasy, at times. People change so as seasons. But, you have my words that I will be there, for you...as long as you will be there for me.

"We could have it all..."

But then again, there are only so many heartbroken songs to accompany me when you hurt my heart, there are only so many words to convince you that I will walk the miles with you...

and frankly, there is only so much time that I have to wait for you.