Bewildering maze

That is just the thing about love, or I think in this case love is too strong of a word, so I'd just use crush or infatuation. But then again, will crush-type of feeling stay for months? It is obvious that I am indecisive about how I feel... and ofcourse, it is only because one is too afraid to face the reality.

Reality is reality, the state of being real according to Dictionary online. So I suppose it is not about dwelling the past or even trying to plan out the future. It is about what is happening, what you're feeling and what you're thinking NOW. ADESSO.

It's a concept that lately, my brain has tried to re-digest. I so idolized the past and frightened of the future that I sometimes didn't feel my presence in the very moment.

Therefore, hoping to drag myself out from my comfort zone where only the past and future exist, I am writing this piece. I am always better in written words to elaborate what really is occuring in my mind. In fact, I am always fascinated by how words can describe something so usual to sound so beautiful and intriguing. Thats the power of words. And, thats why I choose this medium, hoping to conclude my mind in the most simple but yet beautiful kind of way.

Now, how do you write "lost in my maze of thoughts" in a more beautiful way?! Well, I suppose maze is proper since I really cannot seem to find the way out once I am in. Advices on how to deal with it, like millions of way out are offered..

"Just go with it, enjoy what you have", "Seek for an alternative and make yourself merry" or even "Get over it!"

But yet, I am still here trying to locate where I am.

As a person who's been in and out of love quite too often, you'd think that i'd know what to do... i'd master this. Honestly, that's what I thought. I was over confident and thinking that I'd know. I had the maps of romance that I wrote myself with tips and tricks from the very own experiences.

But of course, the universe gives the route that I am unfamiliar with. It is all strange looking of environment... It is so distant but feels so close. It is so captivating but yet it is intoxicating. It is so cruel but it just is alluring. It is so real but yet feels so delirious.

That's the kind of romance I am in now.

He is the strange looking maze that the universe delivered to me and yet, I volunteered myself to jump in. And months later, I am still here holding my-unused-past-romance-experiences-map trying to comprehend or at least, unravel way to comfortably walk in it. If that even possible.

The question is no longer about how to exit, but more about, "Should I leave? or should I stay?"

You know, this is the very time when I just wish that my future or past can swallow me. The state of being real, or so called reality, is just too bewildering.

If I were a year younger, I would be singing through the maze. But, at this age, I am exhausted but yet frightened.

Frankly, I am afraid that I already have had the answer for all these times. I am afraid that the only thing that can take me away is the map that has always been in my hand.

The map was not inapplicable to begin with, in fact, it is probably so applicable and precise for this very story.

But certainly, deep inside I am frightened that the map will only show me way that I am too familiar with. A way, no-other-than a way out.

Trauma of Promises

It hit me that if there was any trauma I have, it'd be trauma of promises.

Tonight is just like any other nights, except I finally managed to bring myself to go to the mosque.

Then it was the time for the preaching. This imam started with all the good that this Holy Month brings...but it wasn't until he mentioned the word 'trauma' that I started paying attention and without me knowing, my mind rushed back to the past.

It was exactly August 21, 2003 when I departed from him to pursue my dreams. I was overwhelmingly sad but his promises gave me strength and belief that what we had would defeat oceans and time.

His promises had fed me and even allowed me to construct such a wonderful dreams, which I frequently had mentioned in this blog.

Little that I know, oceans and time beat us. His promises sounded more like mocking words.

It was the beginning of a new definition and sensation that promises bring...

Promises start to alarming me instead of giving me hopes.

Promises are identified with lies instead of happiness.

Promises can only mean nothing but the spoken words.

But it isn't until tonight that I realize that he has made me trauma with promises.

The Uncertainty

It is amazing how you could lose your words when you are required to write about topics that have always been the center of your blog. While ofcourse in some other times, you've always tried to find a way to sneak in and write in your blog even when your boss has sent you a kindly reminder for not going online for non-work-purposes.

It is always the story, isnt it?

You would think that you're prepared for everything in life. But when such opportunity like writing about you're passionate about present or when your past decided to add you in Blackberry messenger, your brain starts to question your ability to cope with that.

Yes it certainly is challenging. It is life's character that always prefers uncertainty that sometimes catches you off guard.

Thus, you can blame the uncertainty for bringing your past back to you. Unfortunately, it is also the same thing that took your dream away seven years ago.

Seven years apart and ofcourse the uncertainty caught off you guard with your past replying, "It has been too long since we last met, so in the end, there is nothing to miss," when you messaged "I miss you"

See, that same thing "the uncertainty" has just dragged you down just as fast as it lifted you up .

You just can never be too certain.

But at least there's always that "Haha. I even forgot that we ever met" kind of answer.

Ah new guy, same dick!

Its an awakening call. It feels like someone has punched my heart, in the morning. Just what I was wishing for.

Trying to think of what is a better word for broken heart, but instead I could only find a fool and misery to substitute the words.

I wasn't a foolish, he did offer me a romance. I wasn't in misery, he had me merry.

But this morning, these two words are sounding louder than ever.

It is never easy but I guess I am used to it. I'm just hoping that I'm immune to the pain. Therefore in the future, there is no memory lane that will hold me back from taking a leap to fall in love.

I'm used to this, I keep reminding myself. But I suppose, this tiny hear ache is playing dominantly in my thoughts.

Move on, oh how I just hate that word! Can I just move on with you? A little part of my heart screams to give us another chance...

Damn, you've even charmed my heart...

But no. This is the time like any other time for me to keep my head up and say, "I will be fine" and inhale my freedom that I once surrendered to you.

Life is life and I am picking up this broken pieces of my heart.

A guest star in my movie

Every story always has two sides of POV... But unfortunately with the past still being himself and the universe still keeps the distance, you will only hear this story from me.

It is easy to reminisce but it is sometimes damn difficult to accept that something or someone might only belong in the past. Yes, no matter how keen you are to bring it to your present... somehow the past has stronger gravity that will pull that something/ someone away from you...

Life, I realize, has its own mind and time. It is now teasing me to think that he might still be my mr. Big and that I might get that "it-took-me-awhile-here-but-i'm-here-now" kind of finale.

But ofcourse, the more I try... the more skeptic I become. Whatever that is happening now, he's only a guest in my movie.

I start to think that afterall, perhaps there is a reason why he has always been only a temporer in my movie...

An ended life...

That thought has crossed my mind more often... It seems that it almost convinces me that it perhaps the only way to appease this ache.

They say it is about being ready, but to me... it is about being keen or desperately want... When you want it desperately, that's the only thing that keeps replying in your mind...and you can just do it... Hell or heaven seem surreal because the only place you want to be at is anywhere but here...

Tears become the real bestfriend...ache become the regular heart's visitor...

Answers don't mean anything anymore when there are too many questions.

You ask to yourself if perhaps in a second, smile could paint your face and there is no more ache...but then life pulls you and brings you back to what's so called present.

Your eyes open but your lips still whisper:

I wish, I pray for no more ache.

What is life really? I'm trying to find the answer everyday in my life in every faces that I see.

They say, life means nothing when there's no one to love or love you, and when dreams are no longer exist. Well, I guess my life has had no meaning for awhile.

They also say that your life brings something to the world. Really? Which world do they talk about? which world that needs me? Because I'd love to see and feel needed.

Bitter or whatever you may call me...I am numbing my feelings anyway.

I am trying not to feel anything. Cuz' frankly the only thing that I can feel is hopelessness and frighten.

I tell myself, "Hold on.. Don't feel anything. Wait, just wait until God is kind enough to bring you back in His arm"