A friend of mine told me a story about a girl he's been seeing for more than 10 years. It wouldn't have been impressive if she didn't remind me of how my story could end. In his story, he mentioned of how they were together on and off... For some years, she dissapeared from his life. And it was not until a year ago, that life finally crossed their path again. She was persistent, he said.

Another story came up. This time about my mates. The girl who has been falling for him since high school, finally got her chance. Though they're not together, they were on and off last year.

Persistance? Perhaps that's what she had been doing. These stories make me wonder, is being persistant necessary in achieving love? Couldn't you just be happy? What's the different between being persistant and agressive? How do you know if he or she ever worths your persistance?

More questions tickle my mind. Somehow, it occurs to me that persistance in love is never really my fashion.

I learned to believe that persistance should be a guy's case and not the other way around.

In love, I am a conservative believer: ladies await for the guys. And ladies should only fight for the guy if she alreay is certain that he is worth a fight.

I recall a friend of mine whom I used to have a crush on says , "sometimes you need to show the guy that you like, how you feel about him"

At that time, I thought that was what I had been doing: Showing that I kinda like him.

Yes, I missed every chance I had to accept his dinner offer. Yes, I sometimes left the class without giving him a chance to speak to me.

As I am writing this, I started figuring out why in the end he opted to date a girl whom he just met in a club.

I kept telling myself that he should have been more persistant... But then, it hit me that he had been persistant. I was the one who surrendered without fighting.

And unfortunately, stories keep repeating themselves.

Gosh! what is it with me? Why is it so hard to just let myself go?

A day before Ramadhan commence...

Been awhile for I to write on my blog... Reasons are various:

-working all day... 5 days a week

-weekends end with various activities: from doing random things with mates... (well, it is summer in the end), baking, cleaning my apt or even my favorite thing to do...sitting on the couch watching TV all day (someone has to catch up with Anthony Bourdain's and HBO's shows)

-and now since I was recruited as an intern by a NGO here in DC... my everyday is even busier

So busy that there is not even a second for I not thinking about how inviting my bed is...

-oh and, my laptop's getting older and older... so old that it takes almost 30 mins just to turn it on... Hence, I'd prefer not to further burdening my PUB (my laptop's name)

Those understate the reasons why I dissapeared for awhile from my own blog...

Dont get me wrong... though,I might have not had enough time to write on my blog...I keep myself insane by writing on my notes in my cellphone, which by the way, doesnt have a name yet...

But I realize.. there is nothing like writing in this public diary...

And ofcourse, encouraged by Kambing Jantan movie (finally, I got to watch it!) and envied my friend Edu... who's apparently been updating his blog... I decided to write this

So here I am... sitting in my cubicle, listening to Adele "Right as Rain" and using my 45 mins break to write on my blog after a 3-month-break

Today is the last day before Ramadhan commence tomorrow. How do I feel? Well... I dont know...

Part of me... despise the fact that I would have to fast for whole days... Being here in the U.S, in the summer where the weather can reach as high as 40 C... and break-fasting as early as 8 pm in the evening.... really discouraging.

However, the other part of me... started begging me to change...for a better. I have never fasted in Ramadhan in my entire life. Well, maybe for one to three days, but I dont recall myself fasting for more than 5 days in Ramadhan...

And I am not going to justify my previous actions...Therefore, being 23 and being where I am right now...I feel that, this might be the time. Time to be a better person, which also means trying to be closer to Alloh.

Amid I being hesitant, I hope you'd pray for us to be better people... for people around us... for the world.

Life is full of uncertainties, for sure. Heck, even I cant make my own decision whether I am going to fast tomorrow...

But thats so funny about life... It presents you with options.

And sometimes, we take that for granted. We dont appreciate options that we have.

Like, we got options to appreciate and let people we love know how our true feeling is... and when life decides to take our options... perhaps the only option that left is... regret.

Lately, I am reminded that people you love is not immortal... People do die. Bummer! how I deteste that word!

Hence, I'd like to say thank you for everyone who's been in my life, even if it was for a very short time.

I believe that there's always reasons for everything...

And as Ramadhan's coming tomorrow... I'd like to start it on a good note... I apologize for any words or attitudes which might have hurted you.

once again, thank you for being part of my life in anyway.

A day is just a day... or so I thought.

A friend of mine says, "you know why you're upset, you just dont want to admit it". I insist, "No, I really dont know"

Hours later, here I am writing this blog. I started to doubt my answer,
"Maybe he is precise. I am upset by the things, which I dont want to acknowledge."
I ponder, if acknowledging the source of this "turbulance feeling" could ever change the situation.
Unfortunately, I do not believe so.
What would be good for setting me free if it did not change anything, Not even a single thing.
I want to cry. I do.
But I always lost in my own tears.
They always say, "You're very brave"
I used to think that I was... but somehow, I could only find fears.
They always say, "You're not alone"
I used to think that I wasn't... but somehow, I couldnt find any familiar faces.
I want to return to where I was.
But the world seems to be cruel to me.
And at this very moment, those faces are appearing.
They are the reasons why I am at where I am right now.
I recall, I admitted to him, "the worst feeling that I've ever felt is feeling hopeless.."
He said, "well... sometimes, you cant really do anything chat."
I despised his answer.
I hate the fact that "my dream" just presented me with a harsh reality.
I was afraid that he was right... but he was.
And at this very moment, I am tempted to return to him.
Something that seems so beautiful...
Something that could take me far far away, at least for a moment...
But a dream is just a dream, no matter how painfully beautiful they are.
And at this very moment, I miss the comfort that he offered.
I long all the excitement that he brought.
He was my gateaway. He was my great distraction.
I whisper, hoping that he would hear, "Please take me away"
But I fail to see where he locates.
I do not hear his obnoxious but so damn precise answers.
But instead I can only find myself sitting here.
And at this very moment, I know... I am fighting alone.

Puzzled....

Once again, I am writing...
Broke my own promises...
there was no expectations, I thought to myself
Wrong I am... indeed
Attempted to recall all the thoughts, I am sitting here to write this
Persisting to end "us"
but secretly I suffered by all the broken hopes
Blaming my insanity
but I wanted to see you, and still I do
With you, I learned... heart is not everything
Once again, I let my pride won
and I lost someone I care about...

Unspeakable...

So what are we saying when everything has said and done?
We were just being ourselves, I guess.
It might be delirious to think that somehow we would work it out
I had been there, always.
But I surrendered.
I am done.
It is difficult to seek for a reason to stay
It is hard to restart all over again...
To each other, we are now nothing
Although this mess, that I didn't cause, keeps haunting me somehow

Welcoming myself to a different age box

So.. here I am sitting on my bed after a bit 'floating-day'... its one of those days, when you present but your mind doesnt...

I've got a good excuse for that... it is my birthday today!!! WOO HOO (i guess)

How did I spend it? well, started with a very dizzy night... my head was aching last nite so I took the fabolous NYQUIL and pretty much passed out...

until.. 12.08, a friend of mine phoned and wished me a happy birthday...

It was very thoughtful of her...

Anywho... all morning, I was hoping for my family back home to call... mmm... I was a bit worried if they'd forget...

--trust me, it happened last year... and ofcourse my mother went, "I messed up the day..." (blaming the time difference....)---

Then, I decided to phone them... (anticipating some excuses)... and ofcourse, no one was home.

So... called my papa's cell... it was off. My brother's cell... he didnt pick up. and last resort... my mama's cell... and it... WENT through!!!

AWESOMENESS!!! -- yes, I sound like American.

"Hallo wuk, dari tadi mama nyoba telpon kok nggak bisa ya?" --

I went, "masak sih ma? kalo mama telpon pasti kan ada tulisan miscall"

Yup... I am a pretty tough daughter... but ofcourse, she's a TOUGHER mother... so pretty much in the end... I ended up believe that yes, she called me but it didnt go through...

So, anyway... got to the office... I was a bit... no, a bit is understated... I was VERY shocked!

My desk was decorated with pretty much every single things that you could find in our office... from cans, mirrors, to umbrella? yes, indeed. It was CROWDED.

But yea... It was hillarious though. And I truly appreciate all the efforts that they put through... I bet it wasnt easy to 'decorate' my empty desk. hahaha

And the surprise didnt stop... Mbak Dhania bought some breakfast for us... (good thing, since I only had cereals)...

then... in the afternoon, the VOA radio ganks (Mbak Ven, Mbak Di, Mbak Ut, Mas Irf, Mas Ari and minus Teteh) brought a delioso choco cake.. YUMMY.

Ah... also, two cute pair of shoes for the present!!! I really fancy them. Thank you.

Then got an unexpected call from Holland.

Anyway, these people really knows how to make my day... I was a bit anxious by the fact that I would turn 23...

Yes I know... 23, for some of you, might be nothing and you might think that I dont have anything to complain about... and that I still have long wayyy to go...

but anyway, enough with emotional crap!

I still want to thank people who had gone their way to either e-mail, facebook, or even phone to wish me a happy birthday, or simply just being who they are... a true friend for me.

The feeling of being loved is priceless. And you have given me the BEST gift that any birthday girl could want.

Love,
Chat

"In the end, bukannya kita semua jual diri?"

Penting nie....:
this is pretty flattering for me, but I just discovered that some people does spend their time to read my blog.... and I thank you for that. I really wouldnt think that you'd actually read some random thoughts of mine...so once again thank you.

and please remember, comments are welcomed.

Anywho... hari ini di washington dc, the weather is pleasant... nggak dingin dan lumayanlah buat jalan-jalan...

so.. there I was, meskipun badan sakit semua... tapi tetap memaksakan diri untuk keluar rumah... ke GIANT... hahah grocery shopping, meskipun nggak begitu ada yang dibutuhkan... but tentu aja, in the end... tetap menemukan tofu, cabbage, jeruk, yoghurt untuk dibeli... (nggak penting)

But anyway... i got to think about my life lately (hahahah sebelumnya sering sih... terlalu sering bahkan)... bentar lagi, aku bertambah tua... and honestly, this is the first time in my entire life, aku nggak keingetan soal ulang tahun-ku. Biasanya selalu heboh sendiri kalo bulan maret datang... but untuk tahun ini... kayaknya biasa aja ya... and I know why... cuz' I am getting OLD-er...

So... punya banyak waktu di tangan, tentu aku gunakan untuk refleksi... tentang hidupku. Selama 22 tahun hidup, kayaknya belum banyak yang dicapai... apa yang aku sangat inginkan belum tercapai... dan semoga di tahun ini, akan tercapai, amin.

Lalu, gimana umur 22 kemarin? Mmmm... pretty good, i guess. Lulus kuliah, bisa magang di tempat yang aku inginkan, bisa research di Atambua untuk thesis-ku dan sekarang alhamdullilah lagi practical training di washington DC. So, slowly... I got and I did what I always wanted to have or do... So umur 22, ROCKS deh! (Special Thanks untuk Mio Dio (My God Almighty)).

Terussss....? hidup udah... karir... on the making.

Nah sekarang, pertanyaan yang selalu ditanyakan orang-orang yang udah lama nggak ketemu... bisa dibilang, pertanyaan setelah, "apakabar?", "ngapain sekarang?"... apalagi kalo nggak, "sekarang sama siapa?"

Jawaban aku berbeda-beda, kalo lagi jalan sendiri, ya bilang sendiri; kalo sama temenku, ya bilang sama temen.

Hahahaha iya sih... bukan itu yang dimaksud... But biasalah sok misterius, boleh kan?!

Mungkin gara-gara ini juga ya, akhir akhir ini banyak banget temen-temen di sekeliling aku, yang mau mengenalkan aku ke temen-temen mereka.

"Maksudnya? ngenalin gimana?" tanya aku sama temenku dari Indo... yang katanya punya temen cowok yang potensi gitu deh buat aku.

"Ya, kenalan gitu chat. Siapa tau kan!" jawab temen aku online. Dan dibelakangnya ditambah WINK WINK

MMM... reaksi aku? mmmm... ya, bingung!

Dan yang lebih parah lagi, paling nggak ada 3-4 temenku yang mempunyai temen yang ingin mereka kenalkan ke aku.

Dan jawaban aku , masih sama: bingung. Pake bingung segala?

Okey, yang pertama: ceritanya tuh nggak pernah tentang chatrine dikenalkan ke... tapi yang ada selama ini, chatrine mengenalkan ke...

"Hello, aku itu tukang comblang! masak tukang comblang mau dicomblangin?!!!" -- teriak otak dan jiwaku.

Yang kedua: aneh aja gitu... maksudnya, biasanya kan kalo kenal sama orang juga naturally banget... Nggak pake, "dia minta hp kamu chat".

Ya sih emang, aku suka comblangin temen-temenku... tapi kan, emang aku punya terlalu banyak temen laki-laki yang nganggur (maaf teman-teman :P) dan kebetulan aja, punya temen-temen cewek yang kayaknya oke juga buat temen2ku tadi...

So this time is different donnggg.....

But ternyata... nggak hanya temen-temen aja, tentu aja nie mama aku sendiri juga ikut terlibat. Nah, kalo yang ini sih... bukan mencomblangin... tapi mensupport (atau lebih tepatnya memaksakan) aku buat mendekati temenku, yang kata mama "kayaknya dia bisa mengerti kamu... kalo kamu orangnya seenaknya sendiri dan masa bodoh."

Yang ini lebih aneh lagi, karena yang pertama... masak mamaku bilang kalo aku seenaknya sendiri? dan aku bisa membayangkan mamaku, suatu saat kalo ada cowok yang mau beliau kenalin, bilang gini sama cowoknya, "ini chatrine, dia anaknya suka seenaknya sendiri dan masa bodoh" (so helpful mama!)

nah, yang kedua... bukannya mamaku sendiri yang ngajarin... jadi cewek jangan agresif?! Hahaha dan jawaban mama untuk yang terakhir waktu aku komentar ini, adalah, "bukan agresif... tapi memberi umpan... dan orang kayak dia, tipenya emang harus dideketin"

OUW OUW OUW....! Perhatian: cewek nggak boleh agresif. Okey, mungkin, kalo untuk memberi umpan atau tipe cowoknya harus dideketin, mungkin boleh.

But anyway,

Sekarang baru tahu deh aku gimana rasanya masuk di dunia comblang mencomblang, dan jadi salah satu pemainnya.

Mmmm... jadi inget kata-kata Papa pas berbagi ilmu tentang pacaran,

"Bukannya, pada akhirnya itu kita semua ingin menjual 'dagangan' kita?"