To another intense feeling

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

"When are you going you write your next blogpost?"

A very question that I remember he asked, about a week ago. I didn't answer because I knew that the nature of my blog usually runs on some unspoken feelings, which many times means feelings towards romance, and which in this very case means him.

I just knew that the next time I'd write a blogpost, it'd be about him, again. And I was right.

"I can't keep up with your turning tables."

The very time that would put distance between him and I finally arrived. And this time, like many other stories, I left everything that was my everyday and him.

A close friend of mine screamt, "Listen to yourself!" and I did. My voice was breaking and repeating the same broken tune, "I am selfish and I shouldn't treat him this way."

What way, dare I asked myself. And I couldn't move my lips. I was perfectly aware that my mind was running for more excuses for him.

"He needs more time. He does not know what he wants. He is overwhelmed with other stuffs."

While, deep down, I knew that the only truth that I needed to face was I might be the only one in love.

I know what I want. I want to be his one and only woman and walk miles, together with him.
But if that has not crossed his mind, then we shall never complicate further... this very story should be ceased.

You're in wrongness. Meanness. Insensitiveness.

"My life's a mess"

I told a friend of mine who professed his feeling towards me. So desperately my mind ran through all of those lame excuses of why having a relationship was not a priority for me.

The truth was, I lied. My life has always been a mess, but it had and has not refrained me from being in relationships in the past.

The truth was, I did not have the courage to tell him that I was not into him.

The truth was, I wished it was someone else who dined with me that very night and said the very exact thing that this 'friend' said.

And now, I am bitten by own karma. Months later. I really am a mess in this messy romance story with a somewhat messed-up person.

Uncertainty and indecisiveness, which I loathe the most, have fairly befriended me. And to my own heart, I go.... no body's perfect and never in my life that I've ever had a normal romance story. Bad romance, unfortunately, is not an irregularity to my life.

And like any other stories that I have been in, the belief that somewhat, this time around would be different came across my mind.

Red flags are flown right before my eyes. But of course, all I could see is his child-alike eyes...

"What the fuck are you doing?" is the very question that is familiar to my ears. But of course, his 'honest' answers are deafening...

My long awaited- past's invitation seems to be nothing compared to the excitement that he ignites.

I am drawn into his wrongness. meanness. insensitiveness.

Infatuation and loathsome linger between us.

Hope and despair embed this story.

Don't ask me on how I'd go... because I dont know.
Don't ask me if he'd ever break my heart... because I hope he won't.

I am heavy hearted.

But I know that when words are soon to be understated in describing this very messed up story, I am going back to where I started.

With a smile. A BIG ONE.

Fickle mind says...

"Let him go..." is the only word that should be resounded in my ears. It should have been easy and less heartache.

But like other people who are entangled by the feeling of romance, one could only dare to brave difficulties and heartaches...

I loathe to see how the world gets you down.

I second guess my sanity to understand you.

I risk my heart to wait for your never ending indecisiveness.

"I will walk with you if you're there to catch me when I fall."

Life is imperfect and uneasy, at times. People change so as seasons. But, you have my words that I will be there, for you...as long as you will be there for me.

"We could have it all..."

But then again, there are only so many heartbroken songs to accompany me when you hurt my heart, there are only so many words to convince you that I will walk the miles with you...

and frankly, there is only so much time that I have to wait for you.

A confession for you

It has taken time to let my heart falling. But it also has taken time to let my eyes shed tears for the ache you have caused.

I have grown fonder... Times with you have become something that I've always looked forward to. Conversations with you have become my favorite things to do.

To be present and be anything that you need are something that I've always tried...

You've become a particle that can make or ruin my days. Your words have become happy pills or knife that cuts my once-happy day.

There were times when I just wanted to run to you and lift all of your fears and tell you, "I'm here."

I wanted to scream, "Stop it! You are perfect...to me" when you confided me your worriness.

"I will take a good care of you, if you let me" was the only that I wanted to say when you were feeling uncertain.

I've wanted to be anything and everything for you...something that I have never felt about anyone.

I hope you would never believe in this careless-mask that I have always put or mean-words that I have said..

Because the truths are there has not been a day that I don't think of you and there has not been a day that I hope I could tell you that I am weak for you.

But it is your heart that I have no power over. It is your stubbornness that I can never win from. It is your wander eyes that will always break my heart.

And it is my heart that might be too afraid to take the leap to tell you how I truly feel. The same heart that decides to give up on you.

Uneasy emotion

Awaken at dawn only to realize that my mind hasn't stopped thinking of you. This almost happens everyday and I am terrified. It is uneasy when you, at times, find yourself keep guessing what the universe tries to tell you.

Is it a stop or a go? Will I be crying for joy or in tragedy?

Difference has never stopped me from falling before... But when you keep crying in the end, you start to ask if this will even be a different story...

I like you, very much. There is no question about how I feel about you and there is no doubt that I try to undo my emotion towards you.

I don't deal very well with uncertainty and it always drives me insane everytime I remember that I put my heart at risk. Again.

You might laugh at my sentimental writing... But frankly, this is what I have tried to hide from you.

when writing is easier...

Emails and Facebook are websites that I avoid right now as both only remind me of how bad I am communicating with people. Yes people, I am aware that an online message comes from me only comes once in a blue moon.

At times, I do not have the time to sit myself down and write an email. While most of the times, I just don't feel like reaching out to people.

A dear friend said to me, "That's why you use Facebook to write short message."

And that is exactly the problem for me. I don't like writing a short and non-personalized message. My close mates and people whom I care about (usually my past romance) are used to receive long and personalized emails.

I'm a big believer of "say what you mean and mean what you say". I try to walk the talk.

Thus, when I write to people, you can almost guarantee that I spend good amount of time to sit myself down, pour my thoughts on you and write, as if I am talking to you.

Words are not just words. They could make or break you... and you need to choose carefully on which words you will use to convey your thoughts.

Writing is one of my favorite things to do, and apparently one of my strengths- that is why I used to be a journalist who dreamed to change the world from my very writings. (Let's not commenting on my dream)

I communicate my heart better in writing, so many times... you read lots and lots of writings on my emotional state.

Some words and emotion are better left unspoken but should be written. Exactly the type of emotion that I feel right now.

There are different flavors of emotions running through my heart and affecting my brain.

Effortlessly longing and thinking while I was supposed to use both heart and mind to focus on other things.

This is not healthy. But then again, since when does anything related to romance is a healthy thing? It only keeps you at different polars... either you are extremely in love and happy or you are painfully out of love and broken heart.

Romance is some kind of cycle. It likes to take you to the highest possible level and then drops you, just like that... and it repeats.

I tell myself to stop, every time. But the cycle is like gravity that you can never really runaway from.

And certainly now, I feel like I am tied and bouncing ups and downs on the trampoline of romance vicious cycle.