The Uncertainty

It is amazing how you could lose your words when you are required to write about topics that have always been the center of your blog. While ofcourse in some other times, you've always tried to find a way to sneak in and write in your blog even when your boss has sent you a kindly reminder for not going online for non-work-purposes.

It is always the story, isnt it?

You would think that you're prepared for everything in life. But when such opportunity like writing about you're passionate about present or when your past decided to add you in Blackberry messenger, your brain starts to question your ability to cope with that.

Yes it certainly is challenging. It is life's character that always prefers uncertainty that sometimes catches you off guard.

Thus, you can blame the uncertainty for bringing your past back to you. Unfortunately, it is also the same thing that took your dream away seven years ago.

Seven years apart and ofcourse the uncertainty caught off you guard with your past replying, "It has been too long since we last met, so in the end, there is nothing to miss," when you messaged "I miss you"

See, that same thing "the uncertainty" has just dragged you down just as fast as it lifted you up .

You just can never be too certain.

But at least there's always that "Haha. I even forgot that we ever met" kind of answer.

Ah new guy, same dick!

Its an awakening call. It feels like someone has punched my heart, in the morning. Just what I was wishing for.

Trying to think of what is a better word for broken heart, but instead I could only find a fool and misery to substitute the words.

I wasn't a foolish, he did offer me a romance. I wasn't in misery, he had me merry.

But this morning, these two words are sounding louder than ever.

It is never easy but I guess I am used to it. I'm just hoping that I'm immune to the pain. Therefore in the future, there is no memory lane that will hold me back from taking a leap to fall in love.

I'm used to this, I keep reminding myself. But I suppose, this tiny hear ache is playing dominantly in my thoughts.

Move on, oh how I just hate that word! Can I just move on with you? A little part of my heart screams to give us another chance...

Damn, you've even charmed my heart...

But no. This is the time like any other time for me to keep my head up and say, "I will be fine" and inhale my freedom that I once surrendered to you.

Life is life and I am picking up this broken pieces of my heart.

A guest star in my movie

Every story always has two sides of POV... But unfortunately with the past still being himself and the universe still keeps the distance, you will only hear this story from me.

It is easy to reminisce but it is sometimes damn difficult to accept that something or someone might only belong in the past. Yes, no matter how keen you are to bring it to your present... somehow the past has stronger gravity that will pull that something/ someone away from you...

Life, I realize, has its own mind and time. It is now teasing me to think that he might still be my mr. Big and that I might get that "it-took-me-awhile-here-but-i'm-here-now" kind of finale.

But ofcourse, the more I try... the more skeptic I become. Whatever that is happening now, he's only a guest in my movie.

I start to think that afterall, perhaps there is a reason why he has always been only a temporer in my movie...

An ended life...

That thought has crossed my mind more often... It seems that it almost convinces me that it perhaps the only way to appease this ache.

They say it is about being ready, but to me... it is about being keen or desperately want... When you want it desperately, that's the only thing that keeps replying in your mind...and you can just do it... Hell or heaven seem surreal because the only place you want to be at is anywhere but here...

Tears become the real bestfriend...ache become the regular heart's visitor...

Answers don't mean anything anymore when there are too many questions.

You ask to yourself if perhaps in a second, smile could paint your face and there is no more ache...but then life pulls you and brings you back to what's so called present.

Your eyes open but your lips still whisper:

I wish, I pray for no more ache.

What is life really? I'm trying to find the answer everyday in my life in every faces that I see.

They say, life means nothing when there's no one to love or love you, and when dreams are no longer exist. Well, I guess my life has had no meaning for awhile.

They also say that your life brings something to the world. Really? Which world do they talk about? which world that needs me? Because I'd love to see and feel needed.

Bitter or whatever you may call me...I am numbing my feelings anyway.

I am trying not to feel anything. Cuz' frankly the only thing that I can feel is hopelessness and frighten.

I tell myself, "Hold on.. Don't feel anything. Wait, just wait until God is kind enough to bring you back in His arm"

Headache and works and life

About thirty minutes ago, I was writing my blog when my computer died on me. The blog started with something like this:

Here I am sitting, trying to breathe through my stuffed nose... bla bla bla..

It was the beginning of another sobering episode of my life recorded in this blog. Thankfully, about 10 mins ago I found something to laugh at... I had not laughed that hard... It's reducing headache, which has accompanied me all day...

Then here I am in a more lightened mood... trying to convey what my mind wants to say...

Let list words that usually stressing me out:

1. Miss/ Long
I dont reckon that I miss or long for anyone currently. My recent pasts have popped up out of nowhere and befriended me. They did make me merry, impermanently though... Things will just remain the same, regardless how I've wanted to change it...They're million miles away, I am here. They pursue their dreams, I am busy make a living and busy to seek for what I want.

2. Future
Yes, I am a bit freaking out with the reality. Reality wants to suck me in. Will the place that I have always dreamed of be the place where I will reside in the future? Have I made the right decision? Had I tried hard enough?

3. Some other personal things
That includes everything that I have kept in private for love sake. This, I truly realize have played the largest part for my headache lately.

4. Friends
Gosh! I havent found a friend whom I can just share stories with... I am a bit cautious. Thanks to my friendship history. I know some people are sincerely kind but it is just hard for me sometimes to just letting myself go.
However, I would not complain any further about this as I have my very very best mates around the world, who have been there for me even they're million miles away...

There, I am a bit unfocus... pardon that. My headache is just returning

Alright, I am just going to leave it here...

This does full of shits... literally!

What is life really? Well mine is pretty much full of shit!! And yes, I feel slightly better after I wrote that...

I almost cried for a reason, which has reminded me that people you love, can just make or break you...

They can make you super merry and give you courage that you've never had... but there are sometimes when they can also make you feel like shit and the loneliest person despite the fact that you're surrounded by crowd...

When there's only that wistful feeling left, you have options to participate in your emotion or to let it go...

And for this particular issue, I am just going to let it go... I dont give a shit!

Here is what I have learned... some people you love, you can never change... the only thing that you can change is how you reckon about it...

It sucks and I have to admit that pride used to go on my way... but then I thought to myself, as long as I didnt start the fire, I could only give a shit about it!

Yes... I have buzzed many shits words here since I couldnt find any better words to elaborate what I wanted to say (I searched for the similar-but more appropriate word of shit on thesaurus and the result was NIL)




**Let me breathe for abit... been running for awhile and obviously been disoriented...