Here I am, laying on this bed and trying to laugh at the tv show that I am watching... But obviously, laugh doesn't come easy when you try hard...

Life brought me back home, along with inquiries from people about the future plan that I (might) have...

Yes, questions, questions and more questions...

I was type of person who was pretty certain about where I was heading in my life, but the course of life has taught me differently...

The wisdom, "shit happens" and ofcourse "everything happens for a reason", sounds more familiar and comforting at last...

The last phrase, I am currently trying to find the answer of...

The world might fuss over my future, but frankly I fuss over my heart.

He walked into my life and I question, "did we really happen for a reason? Or was she the butt of some universe joke?"

And I'm praying that the answer would come soon, a merry one, I hope.

understanding the heart

Raining is pouring outside while my thoughts are thinking of all different ends on the chapter that I almost close. Happiness and no tears would be my aim...but understanding where I stand now... I realize that those would be impossible to achieve...

Life brings you suprises even it would mean changing the course of your life...and that is what I am going through now.

The surprise that life brought me, is beautiful and tempting me to just let go and believe in things that I have refused to believe.

Tears started running through my cheeks, because I know what the end is going to be...

And I surrender...

A friend of mine told me a story about a girl he's been seeing for more than 10 years. It wouldn't have been impressive if she didn't remind me of how my story could end. In his story, he mentioned of how they were together on and off... For some years, she dissapeared from his life. And it was not until a year ago, that life finally crossed their path again. She was persistent, he said.

Another story came up. This time about my mates. The girl who has been falling for him since high school, finally got her chance. Though they're not together, they were on and off last year.

Persistance? Perhaps that's what she had been doing. These stories make me wonder, is being persistant necessary in achieving love? Couldn't you just be happy? What's the different between being persistant and agressive? How do you know if he or she ever worths your persistance?

More questions tickle my mind. Somehow, it occurs to me that persistance in love is never really my fashion.

I learned to believe that persistance should be a guy's case and not the other way around.

In love, I am a conservative believer: ladies await for the guys. And ladies should only fight for the guy if she alreay is certain that he is worth a fight.

I recall a friend of mine whom I used to have a crush on says , "sometimes you need to show the guy that you like, how you feel about him"

At that time, I thought that was what I had been doing: Showing that I kinda like him.

Yes, I missed every chance I had to accept his dinner offer. Yes, I sometimes left the class without giving him a chance to speak to me.

As I am writing this, I started figuring out why in the end he opted to date a girl whom he just met in a club.

I kept telling myself that he should have been more persistant... But then, it hit me that he had been persistant. I was the one who surrendered without fighting.

And unfortunately, stories keep repeating themselves.

Gosh! what is it with me? Why is it so hard to just let myself go?

A day before Ramadhan commence...

Been awhile for I to write on my blog... Reasons are various:

-working all day... 5 days a week

-weekends end with various activities: from doing random things with mates... (well, it is summer in the end), baking, cleaning my apt or even my favorite thing to do...sitting on the couch watching TV all day (someone has to catch up with Anthony Bourdain's and HBO's shows)

-and now since I was recruited as an intern by a NGO here in DC... my everyday is even busier

So busy that there is not even a second for I not thinking about how inviting my bed is...

-oh and, my laptop's getting older and older... so old that it takes almost 30 mins just to turn it on... Hence, I'd prefer not to further burdening my PUB (my laptop's name)

Those understate the reasons why I dissapeared for awhile from my own blog...

Dont get me wrong... though,I might have not had enough time to write on my blog...I keep myself insane by writing on my notes in my cellphone, which by the way, doesnt have a name yet...

But I realize.. there is nothing like writing in this public diary...

And ofcourse, encouraged by Kambing Jantan movie (finally, I got to watch it!) and envied my friend Edu... who's apparently been updating his blog... I decided to write this

So here I am... sitting in my cubicle, listening to Adele "Right as Rain" and using my 45 mins break to write on my blog after a 3-month-break

Today is the last day before Ramadhan commence tomorrow. How do I feel? Well... I dont know...

Part of me... despise the fact that I would have to fast for whole days... Being here in the U.S, in the summer where the weather can reach as high as 40 C... and break-fasting as early as 8 pm in the evening.... really discouraging.

However, the other part of me... started begging me to change...for a better. I have never fasted in Ramadhan in my entire life. Well, maybe for one to three days, but I dont recall myself fasting for more than 5 days in Ramadhan...

And I am not going to justify my previous actions...Therefore, being 23 and being where I am right now...I feel that, this might be the time. Time to be a better person, which also means trying to be closer to Alloh.

Amid I being hesitant, I hope you'd pray for us to be better people... for people around us... for the world.

Life is full of uncertainties, for sure. Heck, even I cant make my own decision whether I am going to fast tomorrow...

But thats so funny about life... It presents you with options.

And sometimes, we take that for granted. We dont appreciate options that we have.

Like, we got options to appreciate and let people we love know how our true feeling is... and when life decides to take our options... perhaps the only option that left is... regret.

Lately, I am reminded that people you love is not immortal... People do die. Bummer! how I deteste that word!

Hence, I'd like to say thank you for everyone who's been in my life, even if it was for a very short time.

I believe that there's always reasons for everything...

And as Ramadhan's coming tomorrow... I'd like to start it on a good note... I apologize for any words or attitudes which might have hurted you.

once again, thank you for being part of my life in anyway.

A day is just a day... or so I thought.

A friend of mine says, "you know why you're upset, you just dont want to admit it". I insist, "No, I really dont know"

Hours later, here I am writing this blog. I started to doubt my answer,
"Maybe he is precise. I am upset by the things, which I dont want to acknowledge."
I ponder, if acknowledging the source of this "turbulance feeling" could ever change the situation.
Unfortunately, I do not believe so.
What would be good for setting me free if it did not change anything, Not even a single thing.
I want to cry. I do.
But I always lost in my own tears.
They always say, "You're very brave"
I used to think that I was... but somehow, I could only find fears.
They always say, "You're not alone"
I used to think that I wasn't... but somehow, I couldnt find any familiar faces.
I want to return to where I was.
But the world seems to be cruel to me.
And at this very moment, those faces are appearing.
They are the reasons why I am at where I am right now.
I recall, I admitted to him, "the worst feeling that I've ever felt is feeling hopeless.."
He said, "well... sometimes, you cant really do anything chat."
I despised his answer.
I hate the fact that "my dream" just presented me with a harsh reality.
I was afraid that he was right... but he was.
And at this very moment, I am tempted to return to him.
Something that seems so beautiful...
Something that could take me far far away, at least for a moment...
But a dream is just a dream, no matter how painfully beautiful they are.
And at this very moment, I miss the comfort that he offered.
I long all the excitement that he brought.
He was my gateaway. He was my great distraction.
I whisper, hoping that he would hear, "Please take me away"
But I fail to see where he locates.
I do not hear his obnoxious but so damn precise answers.
But instead I can only find myself sitting here.
And at this very moment, I know... I am fighting alone.

Puzzled....

Once again, I am writing...
Broke my own promises...
there was no expectations, I thought to myself
Wrong I am... indeed
Attempted to recall all the thoughts, I am sitting here to write this
Persisting to end "us"
but secretly I suffered by all the broken hopes
Blaming my insanity
but I wanted to see you, and still I do
With you, I learned... heart is not everything
Once again, I let my pride won
and I lost someone I care about...

Unspeakable...

So what are we saying when everything has said and done?
We were just being ourselves, I guess.
It might be delirious to think that somehow we would work it out
I had been there, always.
But I surrendered.
I am done.
It is difficult to seek for a reason to stay
It is hard to restart all over again...
To each other, we are now nothing
Although this mess, that I didn't cause, keeps haunting me somehow