Pack and Leave

Sepertinya itu yang sudah menjadi pattern yang harus aku jalani. Pack and Leave. You pack all your belongings and leave to a new place. Yup, it sounds easy (and I am trying all my best to make it as easy as it could be...). But trust me, and I am sure you know, that it could be the harderst and the most painful thing to do.

I remember, it all started five years ago when I had to leave my last year of high school, for America. That was the turning point in my life, the point where uncertainty became a familiar word. My decision to leave was all full of excitement.. It was like a dream of every teenagers, life without parents, in a new place and full of adventures. I felt like, I got my life all planned out nicely. Plus, I couldnt be more happier when he, the man of my dream, said that he would be with me anywhere I went. I got nothing to worry about. I got everything that I wanted, my dream and the man of my dream.

All excitement went through my mind when I packed. But I wouldnt deny that the last couple weeks before I left, were like a dream. I would be there at home and packing, while my mind was already somewhere else. There was also a mix of happiness and sadness. I recall, I couldnt even comprehend what I felt.

But not taking that great opportunity, was never in my options. I managed, with bloody tears, leaving my famiy, friends and him for the very first time. Everyday in the first couple months, I escaped from 'homesickness' by planning my life around him. My dream was beautiful, he and I would go to university somewhere abroad together and we would share our life in an apartment in a city. This little thing in my mind, had kept me sane.

My first time abroad was exciting. Cliche, but meeting new people and experiencing new cultures have always been my passions. But 'that year' was also the first time that reality (fuckin'-excuse my language) hit me. I learned it in a hard way (well at least for 17 years old girl who's madly in love) that as much as you want to plan your life, SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT AS HOW YOU PLANNED IT. My ultimate dream to go to school abroad with the man of my dream and share our life in an apartment in a city, went down the hill.

And here I am now, five years later, in America, again. And I have to pack and leave soon from this apartment that I had called home for 2 semesters. The reason is almost similar, to pursue my dream. But this time, this dream does not include going to school abroad and living in an apartment together in a city, WELL at least not with the same guy 5 years ago. Hahaha.

Anyway, couple more days left and I am going to leave this uni years behind. For 3,5 years, I have been going to classes, meeting new people and going abroad. The latter part was my fav! I have learned alot about myself and ofcourse the degree that I am pursuing, i guess. But definitely, myself!

Some people ask me how I feel... truthfully, I am not sure. I am happy that I am finally able to graduate (even early!), I am sad because I am going to leave people who pretty much have become part of my life for the last couple years. I am nervous to see what's next for me. But most of all, I am aggravated because I dont fucking know how to react for all these feelings!

But I guess, one thing I know for sure now that, I am repeating my life pattern that I started five years ago: To pack and leave.